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Much Needed Advice on Accepting SO's Child

Lana's picture

Submitted by Lana on Sat, 01/29/2011 - 12:25pm

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It's been about 4.5 years since I met my SO. We've had a rocky relationship for 3.5 years and separated for 1, and now have given it another shot. It has been an emotional roller-coaster ever since we had met. I was never told about his son until 8 months after we had been dating... and his son was only 7months at the time. If you're doing the math... yes, he was born 1 month after we had met! And who knows exactly how his relationship with the BM was like at the time. My SO was dating BM only for a couple of months before he broke up with her for cheating... just to find out that she was pregnant and insisting on keeping the child, even knowing that he would not stay with her. So, you can imaging my resentment towards her. I really fell hard for my SO even after 8months and was willing to give it a try, not realizing how hard it would be. We gave it some time before I would first meet his son and hanging out with him wasn't so bad until my buried resentment unfortunately caught up with me. My anger and short temper coincided with the EOW schedule and we found ourselves spending more and more of his son's bonding time without me.

We did try counseling for sometime, but I felt that my feelings and expectations for this relationship were minimized compared to my SO's responsibilities to his son. I look at this child as an extension of BM and my SO's only fault... which I can't help but to wish never existed. The dreams of experiencing the "firsts" in one's life seemed to quickly fade because he had already gone through these delicate moments with his son, and not mine. I wake up feeling so guilty and wishing I had more strength and compassion to deal with the situation, because of the mere fact that I love this man so much and know that we were meant to be together despite the unexpected and ideal (cheesy, I know). I've never been an angry and jealous person, but somehow that's what I've become. Even after a year of time apart and reflection, the feeling of jealousy and resentment rush back as powerful and quickly as they came. I know what needs to be done to make it work, but I guess I just don't know how.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sat, 01/29/2011 - 12:47pm

Hi Lana,

Welcome Smile you'll meet a lot of great people here who can offer you really good advice.

A few pieces of advice that have really helped improve my relationships with my skids:

1. Try to remember to yourself that this child didn't ask to be here whenever you feel anger towards him arising. None of us get a say regarding the family situation we're born into. If SS had his choice, he probably wouldn't have picked this situation either.

2. Yes, he'll undoubtedly have some of the same qualities as BM. However, he'll probably share some traits with SO, too. Does he look like SO? Does he have any of SO's oddities, habits or mannerisms? Each time you feel the resentment building up, think about the traits, looks and habits he shares with SO.

3. If I feel myself getting resentful and/or tense about something I exercise, read a book, or call a family member/friend to talk. Just taking a small break from a tense situation can really help a lot.

I hope this helps. You're not an awful person, and we're here for you.

Layla21's picture

Submitted by Layla21 on Sat, 01/29/2011 - 2:57pm

I definitely understand your feelings as I also have struggled with similar ones. My fiance married his girlfriend at the time because she accidentally got pregnant and they needed his insurance for the birth (so romantic, right?). They were both junkies at the time and while he managed to get clean and stay that way, she only cleaned up for the birth and is now back on drugs and currently in jail. After being with him throughout a long custody battle which we finally won, we also had to deal with getting him divorced which wasn't easy. As a result, a lot of my first experiences weren't firsts for him. I have never been married and had never even lived with someone I was dating until him. I also have no kids of my own but all these he has already done. I just had to accept it though because I love him so much and I know that whatever we have together is so much stronger than what he shared with others. It does also mean that we are stuck having to deal with a drug-addicted BM who keeps trying to pop in and out of our lives. She acts like she is going to try and clean up one second, then is right back to the same nonscence. Unfortunately she was granted 8 hours of supervised visitation a week so once she is out of jail, she has every right to claim that time. I guess what I'm trying to get accross here is that relationships are hard enough but when you add a child to the mix, you really need to think hard about what is involved and make a decision that you stick to. As someone pointed out above, kids don't pick their situations so it's unfair to take your frustrations out on them. You also need to realize exactly what is involved and what will be expected of you, should you decide you want to stay with your SO. Compromise is key with children because they need love, attention, and affection a lot more often and you need to be willing to share him with his son. I admit that can get very difficult and I have trouble with it myself at times. Just make sure you really think hard about this because children don't recover as easily or quickly from a break-up. If you start becoming involved in your SO's life and with his son, you need to try and let go of your resentment and make the commitment to be there. It's tough but when kids are involved in dating, it's a whole other ball game as you are affecting multiple people with your actions. I wish you lots of luck!