Matriarch Issues
Wow, I am so glad I found you guys. I just broke things off with a guy immediately after I realized he was still emotionally married to his ex-wife. I thought maybe I was being unreasonable, but after reading your comments I can see that my gut instincts were dead on. His ex has been remarried for years, yet he's perfectly content being the "third wheel" in her marriage. Throw in their two narcissistic kids, and I am ashamed I even spent four months of my life with this guy. Oh well, it was a good learning opportunity.
What's with dudes who need to be best friends with the mother of their children, and playmates to their kids? Men who can't create and enforce boundaries of their own are so spineless. Yuck.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, and thank you for the advice and support.
There are a lot of screwed up
There are a lot of screwed up situations out there and a lot of guys in the middle of them. They all want to date, but don't have much if any insight into how things got to be so fk'd. They don't realize that it's their poor decisions to blame and so they keep making them. Congrats on seeing the writing on the wall early on, and not even trying to be part of a weird foursome with your SO, his ex, and her husband. Take the experience and move on, watching for red flags.
People can not
Be best friends with someone one they had sex with, it changes the relationship forever. There should be no reason to have anything to do with an ex. Except communication about the kids. You have to be in a step relationship to understand this.
Normal people ( still married to there first) just don't understand this. So they want everyone to be buddy,buddy for the kids. If they where so worried about the kids they would be still married.to each other.
"If they where so worried
"If they where so worried about the kids they would be still married.to each other."
I know, right? If your kids are your top priority, above all else, and you and their other parent get along well, enjoy each other's company, and communicate well as coparents, why the fk are you not still together? I'm all for exes being polite and civil, and doing the necessary communicating. But, this BFF crap is something else.
I never thought of it that
I never thought of it that way: Why aren't they still together? It's so weird how proud he is of what a "great relationship" he has with his ex; it's like a badge of honor or something. "Divorced people just don't understand how we can be such great friends..."
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being civil & even friendly but there are healthy boundaries in both directions. She left him, but that doesn't seem to bother him much. She just likes having an extra dude around, I guess. And he gives her so much attention, he's emotionally unavailable for anyone else. But he doesn't see that as a problem. It's no wonder their kids are so screwed up. The parents have no ability to create boundaries with each other and no ability to say "no" to their kids either.
Quite fascinating in a macabre way. Definitely not something I'm interested in personally exploring any further. *Shudder* Thanks for letting me think this through and offering suggestions so I can be better prepared in future relationships.
When I brought that issue up
When I brought that issue up to my SO, one of the things he said was that on TV and in movies, it's portrayed as cool and modern to be close with your ex. I was like "You're going to take life advice from people like Harvey Weinstein and other Hollywood actors?"
Which begs the question...
Why are you with this waste of skin?
Congratulations on your
Congratulations on your clarity and on not serving yourself up to the SParental sacrificial alter or worshipping someone and their failed family progeny.
Good instincts
That situation would have been a mess.
My SO is guilty of parenting out of guilt - but I realize I have it easier than most because he and BM Darth Vader don't speak at all and two of his three kids have some degree of PAS. So it really only SD24 Bratty McBratFace that I've had to deal with.
If I had to deal with him going to Darth Vader's house all the time to play happy family - that would have been the end of things for sure.
What's weird is some men do
What's weird is some men do learn that boundaries make everybody's life better, including their own and the kids, and other's do not. My advice for all these people that think divorced couples should still hang out like one big happy family (for the kids) is YOU hang out with the ex when she has the kids ... Then maybe you'll understand why I'm good never having anything to do with that mess.