Losing my mind!
Soooo...I may loose my mind soon. For four years I have dealt with a pissy ex-wife in my life who has declared she lives only to make my husband's life "a living hell". Lately she is doing just that. Ever since we married and he stopped sending her add'l funds for $90. child haircuts, Disney World funds, meals out, having the mother's dog groomed, etc...she has been dragging him back to court for frivolous items. Her last attempt was for more child support, you see it seems he was erroneously paying her $60. extra each and every week for 12 years...and now that we applied for a mortgage, the loan officer uncovered this error in what he pays and what his court order required...so now she is fighting tooth and nail for more money. Well, gladly, she lost. This is just the tip of her iceberg. The constant Jerry Springer style antics of humiliating her own daughter (my step-daughter) on facebook, berating my husband in public and even threatening to punch him in the head at a soccer meet, etc....is driving me over the edge. Sadly her 12 year old daughter has recently started lying to cover her mother's trail, lying about her homework not being done, refusing despite my husband's pleas to call her father at night. She has called him once in 7 months. Unless she is with us for our weekends, she blows him off entirely...wait, unless she wants money for things or to secure a playdate on our weekends. I am ready to pack-it in, she is disrepectful to others, ignoring many hellos of friends and relatives and refusing to thank people for treating her to things even when I request she do so...I simply get in response ignoring or an "I'm all set". What am I to do. I love my hubby, but my 2 grown children would NEVER be allowed to be as manipulative, deceptive and outright rude as this child is. My husband says he is trying to remedy her and the ex wife but he NEVER puts his foot down. Example, he was going to take away her electronics only to see 30 min. later she has her laptop "to read her book on"...what???? Ugh. Help!!!
Your husband should be laying
Your husband should be laying down the ground rules.
I chucked myself into trying to correct my step daughters disgraceful behaviour and spent way too much time concerning myself with how she was going to turn out and what sort of adult she would become unless someone not emotionally attached would step in and give her the stricture she needed. I did that for nearly seven years.
Now my stepdaughter knows what we expect from her but utterly rebels against it because I'm not mum. Bottom line. I've raised her since she was three. I'm the only real mother figure she knows. Doesn't make a damn difference.
This child isn't a reflection on you or your world... But she is a reflection on your husband so he needs to address this.
If he does like my husband is trying to brilliant, she may not listen anyway and continue down this route.
If your husband doesn't listen look into disengaging. A few seasoned step mums put me in that direction and if I stay the course I hope it will redirect my mind set about this step child of mine tearing up my family life. It isn't easy but it has to be better than the stress and battles.
The biomum again same story - the dad has to put the ex in her place and I'm telling you now there is very little you can do about how she behaves and what she chooses to put your hubby through. Approach it like a job. Professional and emotionally detached when dealing with her would be my advice.
For your sanity, save the effort and the worry for you. Support your husband and yourself.
Thank you, sounds like very
Thank you, sounds like very sage advice coming from a true SM veteran.
Upward and onward this morning.
I prefer the bare the ass of
I prefer the bare the ass of the toxic opposition approach myself. If BM wants the kid to have $90 haircuts then tell her to get off if her ass and earn the money. The kid needs the same message. Set the standards of acceptable behavior for the Skid and apply consequences if she fails to comply.
Disengage......for your own
Disengage......for your own sanity and for the sake of your marriage. Emotional and moral support for your DH is one thing but trying to change the poor behavior of your SD won't work, at least in my experience. It's hard to watch a kid being rude and unfriendly but I tell myself....not my kid I have no control. I demand good manners and respect when the skids are in our home but if we are out and about and their poor behavior is revealed I look to DH to correct it. Sometimes he does but mostly he doesn't see it. We all love our children unconditionally and DH has a blindfold on with his kids. The last time I interfered and tried to discipline SD four years ago by taking her phone away, BM called the police to charge me with theft. That was it for me. I disengaged completely from the skids and my life is SO much better. It took a while to get good at disengaging but I did it!
Hmmm, thank you. I will work
Hmmm, thank you. I will work on disengaging. I am good at physically leaving the house...but not so good at watching the train wreck and keeping my mouth shut. Although it truly is like swimming against the tide. Not worth my time really, but then it affects my life.
I feel badly for you; this is
I feel badly for you; this is extremely difficult for you to put up with in your own home.
When DH and I got together; we had YSS15 living with us. DH would go to work and within an hour YSS15 was home from school and laid around all day watching TV on the couch. The School would call and tell me that he left school and was not attending classes. My reply: "I will let his Father know when he returns home from work". I would have a nice dinner on and a drink mixed for DH. After dinner, with SS15 bellied up to the dinner table, DH and I would take our after dinner drink to the patio. I would tell SS15, "please clean up the kitchen and load the dishwasher", in DH's presence. SS15 would reply, "no problem"; then he would clean the kitchen, in hopes I wouldn't rat him out. Out of ear shot, I told DH that "the school called and SS15 did not go to school today." Nothing more was discussed and DH took care of it, out of my ear shot.
Point being: Let DH and BM handle this brat. You can disengage and give them the entire headache and enjoy your life separate with your DH. It isn't easy to disengage and it takes time. I take it one event at a time with my grown SD. It's not your problem. Have a talk with DH on your expectations in your home, then insist that DH back you and your wishes in your own home. Do not discuss anything in ear shot of SD. You have powers over her Dad that she does not have and you need to use them at the right time and the right place.
If you love your DH and want your marriage to work, give it the time and energy that it takes to make it work. You can figure ways around this.
Your SD12 is at the age, she will continue to play the middle.