What do you think?
Last week my husband gets a call from his daughter (my step-daughter) who just turned 17 asking if she could drive from Kentucky to Tennessee with her 19 year old boyfriend and stay the weekend. We’ve never met this boyfriend getting her to visit alone is like pulling teeth. She tells him that he can sleep on the couch and it’s no big deal because he stays with her and her mother. He sleeps in her bed and she sleeps in her moms room because she has 2 beds (it’s actually a King bed but in her head and her mothers it’s 2 beds in one). So he tells her he needs to talk to me and think about this. We talk about it and ultimately he tells her it’s not a good weekend and that it would be very awkward meeting this way.
In my Opinion, No way over my dead body will her boyfriend stay the night any night in my house, I would NEVER allow my own daughters to go anywhere with her boyfriend for the weekend, I’d never allow a boy sleepover period while she’s living under my roof, the only circumstance where I’d consider allowing it is if they are both mature adults and even then I just might make them sleep in separate rooms. Boyfriends are welcome to visit, hangout, join us bowling or whatever but he’ll be going home.
IDK Maybe I am being bias but my mom was one of those ‘cool’ moms that let my boyfriend sleep over and let me go on weekend trips with him and guess what I was a teenage mom at 16 and divorced and a single mom at 18 stranded alone in another state without a single family member in sight to help me. But please I welcome all opinions and I don’t judge regardless I’d just like to know what others think. Thank so much for reading.
My mom let me stay with my XH
My mom let me stay with my XH when we were in high school, and I didn't end up pregnant. I waited until I had enough money in my bank account to have an abortion and was old enough to make the decision on my own. I also purchased my own BC, and XH always used condoms. I didn't want to be a teen mom, so I did everything I could think of to prevent it (minus not having sex).
DH and BM were forbidden from having sleepovers, and they were teens parents. They married the day DH turned 18, and got divorced about 6 years later.
I'm not saying you should allow this to happen. I'm saying you can't necessarily take your own experiences and use that as the scale by which you make decisions. Does SD make good decisions in general? Would she follow the rules of not sleeping with/near her BF? She'll be 18 soon; will she use this refusal as a jumping off point for making future, stupid decisions?
Ultimately, it's your house and she is the child. What you say goes, whether she likes it or not. If you think this boy is going to be future husband material, she is generally pretty reasonable, and she can follow rules, then I would probably try to come up with a solution other than no. If this boy is just her flavor-of-the-week and she will undermine everything you tell her or try to skirt the rules, then stick with no.
ETA: If you all live a state away, how are you planning on meeting the BF? Are you expecting them to drive down for the day alone, then drive back that night? That is still a lot of alone time where shenanigans can happen. Will you and DH visit her in her home state? I don't know how many hours drive it is, but unless you two visit her and stay or drive back, you're not going to be able to meet this kid without coming up with a solution where they stay with you, or that she does and he drives home. I think finding a suitable solution is necessary, because coming out with just no is going to make her not come at all ever again.
If I understand correctly,
If I understand correctly, she's coming to visit you and bringing her boyfriend to meet you. Is that right? And they live in another state. So if they're going to come, they need to stay with you (or maybe in a hotel, which is probably not in the budget of a 17 and 19 year old). If that's the case, then unless there is something else going on (like the boyfriend being an undesirable or the SD being promiscuous and untrustworthy), I personally would let him stay with you and just make sure that he and the SD were not sleeping in the same room if you don't want them to. I would give them clear rules as to what is and is not permitted in the house, and where they will be sleeping. If those rules were violated, it would be the boyfriend's last visit. But that's me - you have to do what makes YOU (and your husband) comfortable.
FWIW, my parents let my then-boyfriend live with us for 18 months when I was in high school (his parents were nuts and he was thrown out of his own house) and I didn't get pregnant. They let my sister's boyfriend visit and stay with them multiple times when she brought him home from college with her. She didn't get pregnant either. It is possible for teenagers to be responsible sometimes.
It is your bouse your
It is your bouse your rules.
i wouldnt let boyfriends stay over either.
my daughter is 19 nearly 20 been seeing the same boy for a while. She has never asked i if he can stay over. This week she has told me she is staying at his. I have no issue with that. I just dont want to hear my daughter having sex in my house!
Humm NO... simply because I
Humm NO... simply because I will not allow it.
You are welcome to visit, but there will be no room/bed sharing happening in my house, not at that age... separate bedrooms over and done with it.
I am surprised that a kid
I am surprised that a kid who hardly ever visits would think to call Daddy for permission to go out of town with her boyfriend.
Sleeping over? I dont have a problem - I have a guest room. Sleeping in the same room or bed? Nope not while under aged.
Your statement around 16 and pregnant? Yeah, this is what happens when parents are too embarrassed or ignorant to talk to their kids about contraception and sex education. It is not the job of the school or the church or who ever. You dont want your teenager pregnant or knocking up some girl? It is YOUR responsibility as a parent to talk to your own child.
As long as they sleep in
As long as they sleep in separate rooms I don't see an issue with it. But it's your house, your rules.
I'm not sure how you plan to
I'm not sure how you plan to meet the kid if he can't stay at your house. I am guessing he will need to get a hotel room since he is travelling from out of state? Keeping people from sleeping together in your home doesn't keep people from getting pregnant.