Just left mu boyfriend but I do have questions
Yesterday, I broke it off with my boyfriend. I never knew dating a man with kids would be so difficult and so dramatic. I do have questions that I hope I can find answers to because I am finding myself going into a deep depression.
Why is it that he glorified his ex? He doesn't generally speak well of women, but he would always be so chatty with her on the phone and flirt etc. She has another boyfriend now but he would still do that.
After he got off the phone with her he would look at me and say "What's wrong with getting along with my ex?" I would say I don't have a problem with it but I didn't like how he would rub it in my face.
Why did he not care that 70% of his income went to child support? He would say "My ex has been so awesome through all of this."
Why was Christmas and other holidays all about his kids....like he could care less about me?
Why is it that I always felt like I was on the back burner?
Why is it that whenever he would tell me how important I was to him, he would always throw in the kids too. "Well, the kids are way up there too, but you come pretty close." WTF?
Why do kids and significant others fall into the same damn category?
Why is it that when the kids were over, he treated me like the maid and cook....wouldn't touch me in front of them, or even not in front of them...just wouldn't hug, kiss or hold my hand at all! And would barely speak to me? It made me feel worthless!
Why is it that he made himself sound like this amazing guy but in reality has nothing?
I have so many other questions that are plaguing my mind right now. But I'll wait till people reply
I am jealous that you got out
I am jealous that you got out when you did. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
Thank you....I feel like a
Thank you....I feel like a failure though. Do most women generally feel like they are just not good enough or will never measure up when kids from a previous marriage in a situation like this are involved?
Why do men with kids even look for another woman if all they ever do is make their kids into some sort of deity?, and then proceed to put their girlfriend or 2nd spouse on the back burner?
Your man is about as rare as
Your man is about as rare as finding gold coins popping up from the streets of Brooklyn. From my findings probably less than 1% of the male population with previously enjoyed families.
My FDH is the same way but we
My FDH is the same way but we also had a discussion of our relationship comes first because the kids need to see a stable relationship and learn from that. It was a choice for us to put our relationship first and put our kids next. Now of course the kids always come first in certain situations but as a family unit it is us then them.
He did all those things
He did all those things because he's an asshat. It has nothing to do with you being inadequate or second class. I would say you are a pretty smart cookie for getting out and I'm sure you will find someone who will appreciate you and love you like you deserve!
Thank you, that really helps
Thank you, that really helps to hear that! I hope I can get through this and just never deal with a man who has kids again. It's just too complicated.
We all live and some of us
We all live and some of us learn! Now repeat after me:
NEVER AGAINA MAN WITH CHILDREN!!!!!!
Repeat one hundred times throughout the course of the day.
You're lucky to have escaped when you did!!!
DUP
DUP
We see these kinds of
We see these kinds of patterns all the time. Partners who are so emotionally invested in their kids and the ex that they don't see how it makes their new life-partners feel like they are playing second fiddle. His primary responsibility is to his children, but his primary relationship is (or should have been) with you. Obviously it wasn't. It's normally okay to be on friendly terms with the ex (unusual, but still okay) but not at the expense of your feelings. So while you may have some nagging doubts, you did the right thing by pulling out when you did. Things would have probably just gotten worse.
>Why is it that he made himself sound like this amazing guy but in reality has nothing?<
Beats me. I know plenty of gorillas who do a splendid job of making themselves attractive to women. Some give off that vibe, some give off that spark of charisma, etc. I know a guy who just works on the laws of probabilty; he chases anything wearing a skirt in the eventuallity that someone will give him the time of day. He's ugly as sin, but he's got a great sense of humour and he is - if anything - persistent and won't take "no" for an answer.
Don't see this as a failure
Don't see this as a failure because it's not. This is a success for you. You have a new life!!! Go live it and be happy.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS!!!!^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS!!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's flirting with his ex,
He's flirting with his ex, catering to his kids, using you for maid and cook to his kids, and ignoring your feelings. That is not a failure on YOUR part. He's a major failure, and you are lucky to get out. I hope it won't be too long before your sadness turns to joy about the bullet you dodged.
That isn't what love looks like. I have also felt like you do, but my husband heard what I said, took it to heart, and made changes in his behavior to show me that he does love me.
Find someone who will cherish you. This guy wasn't it. Celebrate what you've just learned and move on.
Well said
Well said
Good luck with your new life!
Good luck with your new life! He sounds like a jerk. You are better off without him.
I think some men think being
I think some men think being a great father means spoiling their kids and giving them everything they want. They're afraid of being accused of choosing a woman over their kids, so they go overboard in the opposite direction, not realizing there's a happy medium where neither children nor partner feel neglected.
I think some men think getting along with the ex means being chatty, even flirty, not understanding what appropriate, healthy boundaries are.
Not making excuses for your guy, but I think that might explain some of his thinking. I dated a guy that I believe thought a lot like this, and I think he didn't realize what he was doing wrong.
But like Echo says, the reasons really don't matter. It isn't going to change how he is. You're better off without him.
Yup, agree with pp's. YOU
Yup, agree with pp's. YOU were not the one with the problem. His ex and kids weren't the problem either, nor is the problem "being a man with an ex and kids". The problem is HIM. Personally. My DH has an ex and kids and he NEVER pulled that kind of crap on me, because he's a freaking grown up who has actually moved on after the divorce, and he values ME and the relationship we have. You didn't screw up, and you couldn't have done anything differently. You just didn't find the right guy, it's pretty much as simple as that.
Good luck, I hope the next guy is Mr Right!
Glad you left. i hope your
Glad you left. i hope your next call is to child services regarding his abuse of those two girls.
Hes a jerk, and no matter
Hes a jerk, and no matter what you did he was never going to put you first.
Not all men are like this. My SO always puts our relationship before SD.
We both have a strong belief that when your kids grow up they are going to have their own families and lives and you are not there number 1 priority. You have to make your relationship work because you don't have to live with your kids forever, you live with your spouse forever.
SO knows that he has to keep me happy and keep our relationship in good standing because I'm the one he's spending his life with. Not SD.
I'm not sure how old you are but honestly I recommend and I'm sure most people on here would recommend to steer clear of men with kids. I mean you can't help who you fall in love with but you've already had a bad experience with a man with kids and your guard will constantly be up next time.
As horrible as this sounds, if I knew it was going to be this hard having a SD I would have thought long and hard before getting into a relationship with SO and I think I would have probably decided against it.
I do not think it is any
I do not think it is any fault with YOU. I don't even think that it was a product of a guy with an ex and kids. I think that this guy was just generally a jerk - especially to you but sounds like to women in general. And for whatever reason, you reasoned his asshole-ness away (he had a rough day, he has so much pressure, etc etc etc) instead of saying "Holy hell! NOBODY treats me like that. NOBODY talks to me like that!" and then putting consequences in place so that he steps up his game with YOU.
Otherwise, your only fault is letting him CONTINUE to make you feel insignificant for as long as you did.
Best advice EVER! Also don't
Best advice EVER! Also don't agree with the "no kids" theory. Don't date a man with kids! There are many out there! Even older. Because of many years of schooling or personal choice or they just haven't found that special someone yet. So it's possible, just don't settle.
You may have been the rebound girl. He could still be in love with his wife, getting over the relationship, but he was lonely and needed someone else to be there for him or to love to get over the relationship. That's what it sounds like... The first person usually is. Screw him. Good girl for getting out and having some self respect!
I am really touched and
I am really touched and overwhelmed by the kindness and understanding with those of you who have responded. I did try and work things out with him so many times. I would stand up for myself time and time again, but nothing I did worked. He even told me to train him when we first got together but no advice I offered really sunk in.
He always told me he didn't know how to show love he just knew how to say it. He always had the right thing to say. Had a nasty temper sometimes but also could be very charismatic, funny and just an overall good personality. Although, the majority of the conversations revolved around himself.
I must say, of the relationships I have been in, this one was the most complicated. It wore me out and I am not one to change or train anyone in the first place. But, I did do everything I could to let him know he wasn't going to run over me in our relationship, but he did anyway.
Also, he would get so defensive over his kids even over the smallest matters. I could ask "How are the kids" and he would respond in a tone like he wanted to bite my head off.
you should feel very proud of
you should feel very proud of yourself. so many women on this board not only accept being put on the back burner, they actually MARRY their man. I think you have a wonderful sense of self-worth and dodged a major bullet here. I know it hurts badly, but it WILL get better! there's light at the end of the tunnel for a woman that values and knows herself. you will be happy one day. keep your antenna up, now that you know what to look for in a mate, you know how you should be treated (whether they have children or not). I just wish ALL women had their selves together even half as much as you!
good for you and your
good for you and your leaving. many of us on this forum wish we left earlier or never married the man.
be happy now that you know what to look for with a man with children and an ex.