It's H's fault SD is who she is!
I've been hating around and being pissed at my SD11 for 5 years. Every little thing she does bugs the shit out of me. The sound of her lil baby voice sends chills down my spine. I hesitate to speak when she is within earshot because whatever I say, she has a smart remark for.
I have recognized for some time that she has some emotional issues as a result of being invisible to H, but SHIT!!! The come to Jesus meeting that she and I had with him 3 days ago seems to have had no effect on H whatsoever.
She cried her eyes out because for 1, the kids at school are calling her fat and ugly, but she cried more about how her dad ignores her.
I didn't know how much pain she was really in until Monday. She acts out and is a little shit to me because she can't be mad at her dad because he's her dad.
I have had a change of heart. I'm really pissed at H. He is a horrible father. He tells his kid to go to bed. All day, that's all he's said to her. 3 years ago, he couldn't name any of her teachers, but wicked step mom could name them all in order. He doesn't know anything about her.
All the bad things I have said about this kid are true, but there is a reason. H. Now that it's actually been discussed at our house, I hope SD tells BM about it. If BM asks me, I'm telling her everything.
I used to want this kid out of my house because it would make my life easier. Now I want her out because it's the best thing for her.
It was an excellent post, and
It was an excellent post, and a real breakthrough, IMO. Now, hopefully, the child can get the help she needs. I would really suggest counseling for her. It would be great if Dad could be convinced to join in, but if he won't... at least the kiddo can learn how to cope with the emotional abandonment.
Yes, she is likely to have Daddy issues as she gets older, in terms of looking for that lost love in all the wrong places and ways. But she is young enough that it can still be overcome - whether Dad changes his ways or not.
My daughter went through something similar with her Dad. The difference is that she was the apple of Daddy's eye, until she started getting older and more like him in personality. He didn't like that. She has seen/spoken to him once in the past 5ish years - at her brother's HS graduation. So... 3 years ago.
I was very lucky with her, as she hasn't acted on those Daddy issues. She has a strong sense of self, good self-esteem, etc. But there is still that bit of hurt.
I give you so much credit and
I give you so much credit and admiration for GETTING it.
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Yep... 99% of the issues here are because of the parents. If most of us would realize that, it would help a lot. I realize that my SS is the way he is because of BM AND DH. No doubt about it.
I think when it is understood
I think when it is understood what the problem is, and the child is helped to understand what is and what is not her fault. In this case, that it is okay to be angry at Dad. It is not okay to take it out on others. A kid often doesn't realize that's what they're doing. What they know is that they are hurting and don't have the maturity to know how to deal with it on their own. In many cases (and this is one, IMO), counseling is a really good option.
Pinpointing the cause of the problem is half the battle.
They should ALWAYS be held
They should ALWAYS be held accountable for their actions and behaviors. But I would say up until 18ish, the parents need to be held accountable in some way too for being such a F ed up parent and making the kids screwed up. KWIM?
I never said the kid wasn't
I never said the kid wasn't accountable. Now that #1)I have laid down the law to my SD, when she acts out I will correct her and she wont feel like it's coming from out of nowhere, #2)now that SD and I(and H) have had this heart to heart talk about her feelings, I will not leave that out of the conversation when I have to correct her behavior.
SD is not off the hook just because she's sad and angry, but she and I understand each other a lot more than before. I was orphaned at 9 myself, and I know how it feels to grow up feeling unloved and unwanted. So unless you know what that feels like, hold your accountability comments please. No one said she will be held less accountable. But I will be more patient and tolerant and loving with her.
I do intend to call her BM this coming week. She needs to know.
I agree that alot of kids
I agree that alot of kids have "issues etc." because of how they were raised and the like.
HOWEVER, there also comes a point in time in our lives where EACH and EVERY one of us has to make a choice...my Mother used to say to me "You can either get bitter, or you can get better". I agree. All of us adults had to make that choice, do we let how we were raised and how our parents are/were to us become our crutch and excuse or do we say to ourselves, "I hated how my parents were and how they raised me and treated me and I refuse to be like them or let that stand in my way!!!"
My BF's son is almost 12 and he, IMHO, is old enough to decide/figure out whether he wants to be a pos asshole like his toxic waste of a mother or do/be better. She is a complete loser BUT her eldest son is going to college to better his life and the next oldest dropped out of college and is doing nothing with her life. Perfect example of how you can come from shitty parenting/life and rise above and make the choice to be "bitter or better".
I realize that there is no set age where this realization or decision to be "bitter/better" can/does occur, however the vast majority of us human beings can and do have that capability and it is our choice what we do with the life and bullshit we are handed. IMHO.
Hopefully this little girl doesn't choose to let the fact that she has a shitty father who ignores her lead her down a bad path.