When is BM going to learn how to be a BM???
Last night we get the call of doom. SD14 on the other end of the line crying about how her mom is mistreating her again. Then the BM gets on the phone with DH and goes on and on about how she can't make her listen. She can't get her to do anything she says and this is all DH's fault because he left her two years ago, and since then SD won't listen to her.
I've had it with this kind of talk. Mainly because I raised my BS on my own, from the time he was born. My XDH is in the military and was never around. He wasn't there when BS was born. And basically never was. I was under 20 years old and raised this child on my own. I have had no help until I met DH and he has taken the role and helping alot.
So when a grown woman calls my home at 1130pm no less, and says she can't make her daughter listen it sends chills up my spine. I have the following questions:
1. Why is SD 14 up at 11:30 PM on a school night?
2. What steps have you taken to make your daughter listen?
3. Is it really so important that you have to call my home this late at night when you know I have a sleeping baby in the house?
4. How old are you?
I cannot imagine calling anyone and saying help, I can't make my child listen.
Then BM tells DH that SD is calling her names. She's cursing at her. This really reminds me of kids arguing. Who is the adult and who is the kid? C'mon now.
Has anyone else went through anything like this?
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yup, it's the latest
yup, it's the latest development with BM, calls F and says "You have to talk to your daughter, she's being a smart mouth again". This is after the "come get your kid" thing didn't work out to her satisfaction, b/c F's response was "okay, sign over custody and I'll pick her up".
We're trying to get custody of the poor kid, like HELL we're going to do anything to help her parent! SD is FINE when she's at our house, not mouthy at all, no attitude in the least. Maybe if BM treated her more like a family member and less like a doormat, SD would be better behaved at her house.
I seriously can't imagine making that call, you can't parent your child to the point you need to call at 11:30 pm???? Ridiculous!
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
Oh, this sounds SO familiar!
These scenarios play out at our home exactly to a "T"- right down to the late night phone calls. We also go through the conversations between BM and SD16 that go like this...
BM: SD is lying about going out last weekend
SD: No, BM is lying. She just doesn't want to get in trouble for
not being a good parent.
BM: Nu-uh. SD is lying. She just doesn't want to get grounded when
she gets to your house for lying.
SD: I'm not lying, mom is lying.
BM: I'm not lying, SD is lying.
(So believe me- I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. It's like dealing with two children!)
And the questions I ask used to be the same as you. But then it dawned on me...
*BM is NOT interested in changing her behavior to be a better parent, even when she goes incessantly goes on and on to DH about how she "can't make SD listen to her"
*BM is ONLY concerned about someone listening to her tale of woe. Someone pay attention to me. Someone feel sorry for me. Someone come and be sucked into my toxic drama-filled world. It's all about ME ME ME!!
So DH asked me, "What should I do about it?"
And I asked him right back, "What do YOU think YOU should do about it?" (Having this SAME conversation about crazy BM's intrusive behavior over and over again, but to no avail)
So he finally wised up and said, "I don't think I should take her phone calls any more and let her deal with it on her own. She never listens to me anyway." (YEAH!!! Can anyone say "Lightbulb Moment"?)
Oh, it's a slow battle, but we're making SOME progress...
Hang in there!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Not take the calls...
Great idea. My DH won't do that though. He knows what it's all about, what it will cause, but he still insist he has to take the call to make sure SD is okay.
I love DH, he's great with alot of things. But let me tell you, he will baby and pamper that girl like crazy. She's 14 but insist on babbling like a baby and mumbling. And his response......."What baby"? Of course sometimes, when he's sick of her craziness also it's "Stop the mumbling! Talk like you're supposed to"!
I never know what I'm going to get!
Oh well, we are moving soon about 25 miles away. What's BM going to do then when she can't expect him to rush over, though he hasn't done that in about a year and a half she still expects it. Maybe him buying me a brand spanking new home far away from her and her evilness she'll finally find a man and move on! That would be the greatest day of my life. Not really, but it would be great! LOL
So ask him...
"DH, in all the time you and BM have been divorced, how many times that BM has called you has it truly been an EMERGENCY? A time when it was URGENT? A time when SD was TRULY NOT OK?"
I'm guessing his answer will be ZERO.
Then ask DH, "DH, in all the years you and BM have been divorced, how many times that BM has called you, has it only been about ridiculous DRAMA involving her inability to parent SD?"
I'm guessing the answer will be much higher.
We had exactly the same thing here. DH COULD NOT stand to not take the call. He was addicted to the drama as well. Until I put a stop to it.
I told him, flat out...If he did not think SD was safe with her BM, then he should file for full custody. Was that the case? He said no.
Then I asked him...Did he want to continue to have a daily relationship with BM? Because if he did, he could divorce me and go back to her. Because there was no room in OUR marriage for me, him, AND HER. Was that the case? He said no.
Then stop taking the calls. Stop the drama. If SD is TRULY sick or in the hospital or ER, then BM can LEAVE A MESSAGE and you can call her back at your convenience.
And guess what started happening when he did that? She would call, but rarely leave a message (because it wasn't important- she just needed ATTENTION). And when he stopped picking up the phone, the frequency of the calls slowed down DRAMATICALLY.
The "kid" is 14 for God's sake! You have to TEACH him to break this Pavlovian behavior, because it won't stop, even when she gets older. And if it bothers you now, it will eat at you five years from now!
And BM "getting a man and moving on" probably isn't going to happen"-
unfortunately crazy doesn't work like that. BM left DH for another guy and had another kid. We thought that would distract her 'crazniess'. It hasn't slowed her down a bit
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Not what I wanted to hear.
I thought for sure once she found someone she would stop acting like my DH is her DH still! I've been holding on to that bubble for years! You busted it for me.....just kidding!
I know I need to put a stop to it. And what you say is absolutley right. But what I'll get in return is that he doesn't want SD up crying.
I know what I need to do, and it's exactaly what you said. But to be honest I'm just not up for the fight right now. I just wanted to rant and rave and see if anyone else has this kind of stupidity they deal with...and apparently I'm not alone.
I totally understand, StepAbove
Sometimes ranting and raving is all you CAN do. And believe me, I DID just that for a LOOOONG time. I got so frustrated. I yelled and complained and literally got in the car when he took the calls and drove away. In time, I became the one with the "problem" because I was not dealing with things in a rational manner (in his mind).
How's THAT for ridiculous?
So I hear ya, sister. And I think you can probably tell from reading these boards, that there's a LOT more of us out there that are dealing with it.
You are definitely not alone. Dads who dote on their "Little Princesses" are a dime a dozen these days. All stemming from guilt parenting and the fact that, apparently, their ex wives got their BALLS in the divorce settlements as well!
Hang in there.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
wow that sounds familiar
i used to do the same thing w FH when he would take BMs calls. on many occassions we discussed letting it go to VM and leaving a msg and then the celly rings and he picks up. doh! the last time it happened was at work...his excuse for answering?? he didnt want her to call at work. THEN TELL HER NOT TO CALL AT WORK IF SHE DOES! geez! THEN he went so far as to LIE that she called from her phone and said it was an unknown number and THATS why he answered. yeah i caught him there BIG time. i think in his case, he just wants to get it over w bc BM wont stop until she talks to him. but still, to me, doing it on HIS terms, not hers makes a difference. boys are just dumb like that.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
When SD's lived w/BM
a very long time ago, this happened only once with BM. She called once and asked Dh to make SD do her homework.....he said nope, you have them today...discipline is YOUR responsibility today, sorry and hung up on her. She never did it again.