Some of the happiest couples i know have no children. They focus on each other, their careers, and hobbies. That being said, if you want that life, being a child-free stepparent sounds like the worst of both worlds. If your stepchild is a young adult, it might not be so bad but it sounds like it is if your SO puts him first.  

I have no children. It was the best thing I never did! Absolutely NO regrets.

There are several Child Free members here, so I hope you get good feedback.

I totally get why you see having a child with a man as a risky proposition. There are so many moving parts, unforeseeable pitfalls, and aspects you can't control. It's good that you're giving this serious thought, as it's THE most serious commitment one can make. I can't understand people who fly by the seat of their pants and just accidentally become pregnant with people they hardly know.

Are you still on the fence about having kids? Or relationship aside, do you not want to be a parent? Do you enjoy kids, or prefer not to be around them at all? These are things you need to decide, because your life could be quite different depending on where you stand on these points.

As a woman with no baggage, you could be out there dating men with no kids who are either C.F. or looking for a woman to start a family with. Either would be a more equal partner.

FWIW, I'm a C.F. woman who married a man with three kids from two different BMs. I was naive when we met thirty years ago, and didn't understand the significance of him essentially striking out both times at bat. I enjoy kids in small doses, and thought my H's every other weekend visitation wouldn't be disruptive. More fool I. Custody can change on a dime, and it did.

Keep reading here, and you'll see lots of stories of SMs whose lives got turned upside down when skids moved in full time. Or the BM is High Conflict/mentally ill/unstable/sick/on drugs. Or skids decide to ping pong between parents, playing one against the other. Every step situation is based in failure, and IMO most divorced people don't do the necessary work on themselves and their kids to be able to move forward in a healthy manner.

Sorry to bang on, but at 32  I wish I had known myself better, and more about steplife in general. Please take care of yourself.

You don’t seem happy with your relationship. 

When I was 20 I said I never ever wanted kids. I am now 44 with 4 kids. 

When people’s biological children are born god gifts them a pair of rose tinted spectacles so eg a one and a half year old crying because it’s bedtime is seen as cute or funny, and not annoying. 

I never ever wanted kids. It was in my bones back looong ago, even when I was a kid and all the other kids were talking about their future kids. I could not relate.

So for me it's not about the person I'm with (when dating one of the first questions I asked was whether they wanted kids...) Or circumstances, or the world or scared of parenting. It's just a blank. A nope. A non-thing.

Zero zilch regrets.

Don't feel guilty, for whatever reason. It's your life!

This is tough.. I've always thought, if me and my bf have different parenting styles, will this be a big enough problem to break us up?

I have never had BKs and I have zero regrets and have missed absolutly nothing.

Enjoy your life.

I do love kids though.  I have enjoyed raising SS-27 as my own since his mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old. I have close relationships with my brother's children and the children of my close friends.  Interestingly, "friends" who spawned ill behaved gonad trolls faded away as their little cherubs grew into detestable subhuman scum.  Those were also the "friends" who felt that my bride and I were too strict on our son (My former SS who asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.)  They are also the ones who on the rare occassion that we reconnect comment on how great a kid our son is and how they wish their kids were like mine.  They don't like to take the conversation much beyond that because when I ask if they recalll how offended they were by how we raised our son with standards of behavior and performance while their little bald animals ran amok they turn red and disconnect... again.

While I would agree that well behaved children are a gift and a blessing... there is absolutely no blessing associated with the  ill behaved toxic POS pelvic effluent that far too many breeders curse the planet with these days.

Sadly, there is no licensing requirement to breed.  

The balance between children who are a blessing and those who are the cursesd spawn of satan has been slanted in the entirely wrong direction for far too long. And... it is the fault of the parents.

It truly is a tragic trend.

Actually makes you feel like you’d wanna experience this journey of parenthood.

for those of us who are mums, the first few yrs are rough, but you have some flawed views on parenthood and that your life is 24/7 revolving around a kid.. this is a mistake alot of couples make that its doting on kids all the time and partner is neglected, they neglect themself and before you know it you grow apart etc. 

any couple should make time for date night or just a mini getaway, just somewhere you get to connect and recharge... my husband and i enjoy lunch outs on the weekend and every few months mini getaway in a hotel. Our then toddlers came along but they’re pleasant even when they’re energetic at times.

we do get times to ourselves to have fun too... a child is your responsibility to nurture and guide through to adulthood to be productive members of society.

not everyone is cut out for this responsibility but your spouse/partner is a first priority.

Two separate things. Do you feel differently about having kids in absolute terms, taking your boyfriend out of the equation? If you don't, you don't. Not everyone wants kids. But I would try to think about it outside of your current relationship, because these are not one and the same. Clearly having kids with this guy is not a good idea. But if you spend some time thinking about this and decide that having kids is one of the things you want out of life, then you need to exit this relationship asap. Do not waste time with someone who will be counter to getting what you want out of life. We are given a very narrow window - it would be horrible to look back with regrets.

I´m living the same thoughts as you...I just turned 37 and broke up very traumatised with my first boyfriend with a daughter and all his friends had kids! I was seen as an alien and he preassured me a lot saying he wanted another kid and he had that child veneration and he thought having a child "give purpose and meaning to lifes".

I never ever thought about this or kids, I have lot´s of friends without kids of my age or older and my family never preassured me and are very chill concerning peoples lifes choices. I have to say that I hated being a stepmum because my patiente to kids is limited and after seeing the dynamic with kids and how much work it is and how childcentric our culture is I got aversion at this point to children. 

I´m just like you....will I miss something? Should I have grabbed this man that wanted a kid with me because every woman are supposed to want this? Is it something wrong with me and I will end up a frustrated person?

To be honest I don´t think so.....the society is changing and you just have to google or look on instagram #childfree to see each more woman and man are open about not wanting kids in their lifes.

I took a loooooooot more of time that I´ve should to understand that a person that desires no kids having a partner that has is just incompatible and lead to disaster. I remember thinking I love my exBF so much that I would fake enjoying conversations and plans of us having a kid when my dream life is to travel the world, wake up late and have no responsabilities or worries.

Have you consider frozen some eggs? You are only 32 and it would make you more relaxed. I´m old for that and honestly I would never want to go through a pregnancy, my plan B is if I ever regret it I´ll adopt one kid.

Anyway, now I´m looking for a guy with no kids and that doesn´t mind not having them, I openly say that I don´t want them, I already have found a guy with this charactheristics now I´m working on chemistry and liking my wounds from this stepmumish trauma for not ruining a potential good thing!

You never need a second opinion when it comes to important life decisions if you know that they are not for you. If kid's aren't for you then don't have any. 

I might also dump your current partner. Or at least get some individual and couples therapy. Relationships don't have to be complicated. None of mine have ever involved regular spates of couch sleeping and not talking to each other for days. Leave this guy behind and work on your own communication and partner picking skills so that when you are ready for a new relationship you are better set up for success. 

Let me applaud you on this one "I don't believe there's such thing as "THE ONE" when it comes to couples. Every person will have flaws and it's our decision to Live with it or walk away"

I´m only coming to realise this now and heading to forties.......I always fell in love with guys that clearly weren´t compatible with me and I always valued the so called true love....but you are so right! There´s compatibility and chemistry.....chemisty usually leads us to great begginings of relationships and that´s all! True love will be the guy that is compatible with my life choices and me with theirs!

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/faq#wiki_how_did_you_know_or_rea...

I agree--we live in a very child-centered society and I don't think it's healthy. And when you see all the other moms making their babies the center of their world, it's hard not to feel like that's what you should also be doing. 

I was in an unhealthy relationship for many years while my two kids were smaller. And it was miserable to always be the doer and planner of all the things, with little support or shit, even some help that wasn't half-assed. To be fair, small children are inherently little energy suckers. It's kind of hard to not have them be the center of your world because they require quite a bit of it. The support of your partner to help you recharge and not feel like a doormat during the moments in between is important. 

I love my kids. They're awesome young humans. But if I could go back in time, I'd probably make some better life choices for myself. I started off pretty young before I knew a whole lot of anything about anything. So I commend you for your self awareness. It's your life and your body to do with as you please. It's 2020 and we've moved on from the idea that we were just put on this earth for baby making. Do what makes your heart full. Live your best life.

Here's my story: I'm 45 and am childfree by choice. I have known since I was a teenager that I did not want kids. My reasons are too numerous to list but I am firm and vocal about my choice. 

My first step relationship I had, I was about your age. I was in my exSS' life from ages 5 to 8. It was hell. While for others, living with a child might ignite a fire in them to have their own children, for me, it solidified my decision to not have any children. 

My current step relationship, I have two SSs in their twenties and one SGD who is 5. This is a very good blended situation for me, but still no urge to have my own children. I do not act like a mother or grandmother either. I am Dad's partner and am respected as such as SO would not tolerate disrespect.

Here's my advice:

1. NEVER EVER EVER feel pressured by anyone else to have a child. This is one of the most personal choices you'll ever make. I cannot recount how many times people have pressured me, directly and indirectly, about having kids. It's none of their damn business. This is your choice. 

2. Don't fall into the trap that society tells you that this is what you are supposed to do as a next step. You evaluate your own life, needs, wants and make your own decision. And there is no rush. You are still young. 

3. Like others have said, you have two questions right now: do you want kids?; and (b) do you want kids with your current partner? Assess and answer these questions separately, not together. 

4. Never feel guilty about not procreating. Others will make you feel guilty, it is none of their business why you chose to not have children. Some will simply not get it because they rise and shine by the thought that children are a blessing. I'm not one of those people. I like children, in small doses, and children like me, but there's a lot of cons to childrearing of which I'm not willing to face. 

Good luck. Keep us posted.