I almost forgot what life was like before skids.
First, I want to say...it's not the skids. I hate the BM. I hate that DH had a life before our marriage and it has to follow us around. I hate that BM meddles in my life and watches from the sidelines. Yes the skids are obnoxious, fairly dumb and totally dependent for everything....but they didn't ask to have bad DNA or to be born. I feel bad for them.
My DH (not sure why I ever married the guy anymore), has moved out to create some space between us. He needs to do a pill abuse treatment program. He's in denial about that. He thinks the marriage is volatile because of me and my attitude towards his kids. My point of view is that I just can't tolerate anymore legal problems, ER visits, pill abuse, no work, non-payment and mega emotional outbursts from him anymore.
I feel trapped. I have wanted to snowbird for years and am finally in a position to do it. DH wants to also...but he "can't" because of his kids.
I came up with a schedule in which he would not see them January or February BUT would actually see them more days per year than he currently does! He just can't think out of the box and that's repulsive to me.
He has tried to force the skids being at my house and 'everyone just being happy' too many times. It doesn't work.
I told him how it could work: basic house rules, DH pays utilities and groceries when they visit, I have the right to disengage.....I have even offered, 'we do this together', plan the weekend, get along, help each other....just be reciprocal, an asset to the marriage, not only a liability. He just insists that he is a good dad and we will do it his way. Delusional. Narcissistic. No reality. No accountability. When the going gets tough, he runs.
My bar is VERY low and even the pittance I have asked for in order for me to be ok with his kids in my house is denied. So ya! I flip out. I tell him to take his circus somewhere else, like his dad's.
CAN HE NOT JUST VISIT THE DAMN KIDS AWAY FROM ME? I don't care if I have to give up time with him. I have learned to enjoy my time alone thanks to you ladies. The more stuff he gets out of my house, the more I don't want any of it back....him, the skids, BM....keep it!
I pretend that DH died. That way I am not so angry. I don't seethe over the messes he left or projects he left unfinished....he's dead...and he may as well be because I haven't been able to count on him for a very long time, if ever.
I have to be brave and go get that life I want. He keeps me in limbo, waiting for his to get sober or straighten out his mental health. Waiting for that money ship to come in. Waiting for real life to begin. Now its a separation with the purpose of making our marriage strong and starting over right.
Thanks for the rant. I am most angry because I do not know where to go from here. I don't know what I want in life or what I want to be doing to pass my time on this planet.
My bf sister told me
My bf sister told me something one time that helped me a lot she said "If the Skids drive u up the wall or you feel like your losing yourself in it all just move on". It wasn't anything profound but I needed to hear that at a point in my life. It made me weigh out the pros and cons of sticking around or just letting it all go. Have some time to yourself and soul search on what you want to do. Not what is expected of you, just whats best for you. Best wishes to you!!
You are giving me flashbacks!
You are giving me flashbacks! No rules, no set schedule, skids were spies for the Girhippo, 24/7 3 ringed circus of entertainment, wanton destruction, zero parenting or supervision.
IOW a fantasy land for skids instead of a real life family experience where life does not revolve around entertaining jaded children. Girhippo would say "jump" and Chef would ask "how high?"
Only thing that saved my sanity was that the skids PASed out when Chef decided to drop the never ending treadmill of trying to keep the BM pleased and the ever more "bored" skids in a constant state of materialistic ecstacy (on my dime, of course)
You asked him to be a partner
You asked him to be a partner in your marriage and he wants to ONLY do it his way.
You are fortunate he moved out, maybe he will realize how nice it was, before it is too late and decide to be a good husband one day, to be worthy of you.
Until he grows up, you are not missing a thing, but the big three-ring circus and your show is going on, without the crazy acts.
Protect your emotional health and start thinking about new possibilities.
Is this hopeless or not? Is it worth it? If you do not have children and he has some serious addiction, I would say start weighing your options and move on to a man that you do not have to convince you are a worthy martial PARTNER. Marriage is a team sport.
"First, I want to say...it's
"First, I want to say...it's not the skids. I hate the BM. I hate that DH had a life before our marriage and it has to follow us around. I hate that BM meddles in my life and watches from the sidelines. Yes the skids are obnoxious, fairly dumb and totally dependent for everything....but they didn't ask to have bad DNA or to be born. I feel bad for them"
You took the words right out of my mouth.
I am financially independent.
I am financially independent. Money is not the issue.
Calling it quits for real...the permanency is the issue.
Ditto.... I could have
Ditto.... I could have written these exact two lines. I can't figure out why I fear a permenant change more than I fear the next time he makes me feel awful while he blames me for everything. I think we just have to get to a point of readyness. We just have to do it and our new lives and new routiens will follow.
Hon.... make up your mind, DH
Hon.... make up your mind, DH staying and getting help or DH gone.....
DH is not keeping you back in life, you are keeping yourself back in life.... only you can change this.
If you want to go snow boarding then go.... if DH wants to join you, so be it he may if he's clean and pays for himself
It's time for onelife to start putting her self first and make her self happy....
Yes, change IS scary. I can
Yes, change IS scary. I can relate. I thought it was better to cling to the evil I knew rather than walk away and find another evil that was unknown and, therefore, scary.
That said, I would rather be happy and alone than partnered and miserable. One of the worst lonelys in the world is feeling alone when you're lying right next to someone.
If he has a pill addiction
If he has a pill addiction that is a huge part of the problem. No one is his or herself in throes of addiction. He can't kick it himself, he will need professional help and therapy. If he refuses it is best to separate. I say this having been there.
I love my skids, hate the BM. It helps to remind myself that while we all have traits that can be traced back to our parents, we are our own people.
If you want to end this
If you want to end this marriage, give yourself permission to do so.
You do not have any children with him thank goodness. Based on everything you wrote this is not a healthy marriage and even in the Catholic Church an annulment would be given.
Find your wings and be that snow bird you always wanted---minus this mess.
My brother's FIL had a pill
My brother's FIL had a pill abuse issue. He finally died after a horrible downward spiral shortly after they got married. My brother is a recovering addict himself and he hated the fact that this man was disrupting his home. Especially a home with his young son. I think he was relieved when the mess was over but of course his wife loved her dad and I think that still causes problems in their marriage.