How do I put my foot down?
I need help figuring out how to put my foot down (or not...)
My DH and I had our 7 year olds for the holiday break. We met my family halfway from where they and our kids live (they live in IA) and we are stationed for the military in MS. The plan was to meet a couple days before Xmas in STL, MO and spend the holiday there and they would return back to Iowa with the Grabdparents, making it only a 6 hour trip for everyone.
2 days prior to the meet up my DH and BM of SS decided that date would work better to meet, so DH took my car 450 miles to pick him up and it ended up being a 12 hour trip and then we turned around and did the 6 hour trip 2 days after that. I had to go completely out of my way and rent a car to be able to deliver my catering order that day, when I expressed that using my car and making that unnecessary trip would not work for me. He didn't care because it didn't work for BM. So, SS arrived early and I had to haul him around my job since my husband was working. It was stressful and I had one or two mental breakdowns before heading to the trip to STL.
We got to our destination and I finally got to see and spend time with my BD after 2 long months of not seeing her. My ex surprisingly let me take her back to MS for the remainder of break/NYE as long as I get her back by the 3rd when school starts. This is no problem, as I don't mind driving the 15 hours back to IA, which I usually end up staying a week or so to make the trip worthwhile and get in my extended visit time since she's still going to school in IA. This time, my husband decided to tell me that he's keeping his son/my SS for an entire month. Idk how this worked out or why they have no concern for his schooling, but they most definitely did not ask if this would interfere with my work or visitation/time with my daughter. It throws a wrench in everything, as I'm a private chef and having a child at home all day makes it impossible for me to go shopping and cook in my clients home. Plus, I spend a week(ish) out of the month with my daughter and forfeiting that time isn't helping my ongoing court battle with my narcissist ex.
So, my DH stated that he prefers that I just take her to Iowa on New Years Day, and head back the following day to be sure I'm back in time for him to return to work. My BD will have a meltdown if I don't get to stay and she won't get to see me for another month. I asked him if he could just find childcare for the week, and I'll be back, but he was not interested in doing so or paying for someone to watch his child. How do I navigate this situation? I shouldn't be expected to shift my visitation, job, and daily schedule just because he wants his child here for a month. Especially when he works almost all day everyday. Driving 15 hours, and then turning around and driving 15 hours back after an 18 hour drive just a week before sounds so exhausting. His child was just here for 2 weeks, 3 weeks ago and my thoughts are if he's coming down this much he just needs to stay here and arrangements must be made.
What can I say/do? Or am I overreacting?
Side note: BM (apparently knowing he was staying for a month) did not send a single item with him. I found that so unusual that she didn't even send a comfort item. We have things for them here, but I usually send a bag and vise versa with my child atleast with favorite toys and books. He didn't even bring a coat, shoes, or book bag! How is he supposed to do any school work without a book bag?!
Why would you give up time with your daughter to watch your SS?
Why would you give up time with your daughter to watch your SS? Stick with your plans, do not change one thing for DH and SS. If you get back and SS is still there, DH will have to figure out childcare. Why in the world would you take his kid to work with you? His kid is his responsibility - not yours.
And if DH doesn't have his own car, he needs to get one. Is he going to pay for the rental car that you had to get because you had his car?
As far as how to handle this, you need to start standing up for yourself. Tell DH what your schedule will be for the next month, let him know if there is any bit of time that will work for you to watch SS, and let him figure out the rest of it. Be firm, and make it clear this is not up for discussion. You are not asking for his permission, you are telling him what you will be doing.
Nope. Not on. He wants his
Nope. Not on. He wants his kid there for a month? HE takes him to work with him every day. Not your problem.
Just. No.
You do not give your time with your DD for him to pawn his spawn off in you.
Take your car, enjoy the trip with your DD, stay your usual week, and when you return make it clear that his spawn will not be in your place of work during your work hours, your home is your place of work. Er go, his spawn is not in our home during your work time. He can figure out his own childcare for his visitation period with his kid in a manner that does not interfere with your work.
You are not their beck and call child care girl.
Read your past blogs. Your DH
Read your past blogs. Your DH pulled a bait and switch on you. It looks like he married you for what you could provide for him - childcare, financed, etc. he appears to have no care or consideration for what you want/need. Sorry, it seems the mask is coming off the man of your dreams.
No.
No. Your DH's child is not your responsibility. There is no way you should give up time with your bio for a child who is no relation to you and for whom you have no legal rights.
OP, I went back and read through all of you prior posts to try and see if this was a one time selfish thing from your DH. It seems to be a pattern.
I get that as an airforce pilot he can't talk his child to work but his piss poor planning is not your problem. Just say no.
I get that it might be scary and could end your marriage. But you can't sacrifice your relationship with your daughter. Your time with her while she's young will go so quickly.
Wow. Your DH sounds
Wow. Your DH sounds incredibly selfish. No, you aren't overreacting. Sounds like you moved from one self- centered man to another.
Say "No."
Say "No."
as in "no I will not give up precious time with my daughter to tend to a child that is not mine." "no I will not be treated as lesser in my own home." "no I will not be bullied or forced into catering to you at the cost of my child"
what does he do for you?
if this were reversed, would he give up time w/ his child to cater to you?
It's Time
Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself and YOUR CHILD. This man is selfish, disrespectful and inconsiderate. Maybe a wake up call? Sometimes, we all get "stupid" and stuck. He needs a shake up. You are not the mom of his kid. If he can't watch him on his time, he needs to find child care. Your DH is not only messing with you and your child's relationship but also your work. Sounds very arrogant...like his life and job are more important than anyone else, especially you.
Put it down now
Put your foot down now and stand up for yourself. Ten years of my life just flew by. I regret not having put my foot down from day one and taken up for myself from day one. My DH and his stepkids have been the trio to my single for all this time. Words. They mean nothing. It's action that matters. My DH has never taken up for me to his kids. He says he does, yet I've never witnessed it. Not one time. This past Christmas I again weathered the storm. Every year I say, I'm not doing it again. I will not buy presents, I will not be around them. And every year I'm "forced" to do it. This was the end of it for me. I may be headed for divorce. My DH is not my responsiblity. He can either man up and be the 53 year old man and husband he needs to be or he can go live happily ever after with his princess daughter who doesn't even care about him. I cannot believe I put up with what I put up with for all these years. Just giving everyone what they wanted while I got absolutley nothing in return. Never again.
What are you afraid of?
What are you afraid of?
I wish I knew
I don't know... I think after the years of dealing with a narcissist I haven't fully recovered from the people pleasing, and trying to carry the weight of the world. Along with expecting backlash and pure hell if I don't do exactly what he wanted me to. My new DH doesn't do that, but I think my instincts tell me that if I don't do exactly what he wants me to, he will. I absolutely hate feeling like people are mad at me, and the last thing I want is a failed marriage. But I do agree with everyone above, I need to put my foot down and put myself first for once. It's extremely defeating when I tell him my feelings and what "works" for me and I'm met with a blank stare or pure silence. If I were to put it to him the other way, and he had to watch my daughter, it would never ever fly. We've gotten into major arguments over how I don't feel like I'm a wife, but I feel like his assistant, and he definitely stonewalls everything. It's incredibly frustrating. I really just want to say, "I'm physically exhausted from working very long hours, maintaining this house, and keeping up with your insane ill-behaved child." But I really honestly don't know what I'm afraid of. Feeling uncomfortable just triggers me I guess.
I know you probably don't
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but your current DH sounds very narcissistic too.
If you don't know what you are afraid of,there is noting to fear
but fear itself. In the brilliant words of FDR.
Stop being your own worst enemy. You need to set the standards by which others will behave towards you. They are the ones who need to fear violating those standards.
If you don't care enough to resolve this yourself, no one else is going to care at all if it never is resolved. In fact, they benefit if you do not do this.