First some background: I have 6 step children ranging in age 18 to 27 years old. My husband and I also have a daughter who just turned 4. My husband has been divorced for 7 years (we have been married 5 years). His ex-wife is also remarried (she's been remarried for 6 years). We live in CO.

In May my husband's brother died in a car accident. My sister-in-law delayed the funeral in FL for a week so that we would not miss my 18 year old stepdaughter's high school graduation (very, very gracious of my SIL since it was such a difficult time for her). My 18 year old stepdaughter was given the option to go with us to the funeral in FL after her graduation. However, she had already planned a graduation trip to CA during the same time and declined. Therefore, only my husband, my 19 year old stepdaughter (who normally is away at college) and our daughter (4 years old) went to the funeral in FL.

Because my husband's family is originally from Fort Wayne IN, my nephew wanted to hold a memorial for his father's friends in IN who could not travel to FL for the funeral (mainly due to age and cost). This memorial was scheduled for July (2 months later). This memorial is being held at the family farm and is a private get together (my husband's parents were immigrants and are both deceased -- this is for family friends and the immediate family only). My brother-in-law's widow will not be attending this event (it is too difficult for her to attend and to travel to IN).

My husband and I decided that I and our 4 year old daughter would not go to the IN memorial (mainly due to expense). However, my 21 year old stepson would be finishing his summer term of college that weekend and would be coming home. Therefore, my husband asked my 21 stepson if he would go with him to IN (my husband didn't want to go totally alone and we would only be paying for 2 airline tickets instead of 4). At the time we made the arrangements in early June, we thought my 18 year old stepdaughter would be working (at the time she had lots of plans for the summer)and we didn't mention the IN trip to her. When my 18 year old stepdaughter found out about the IN trip, she got very angry with my husband that he hadn't asked her to go. (She unfairly accused us of trying to exclude her ... please remember her aunt delayed the original funeral for her and most of the family is not going to this memorial ... while my stepdaughters statements were unfair, I admit we all could have communicated better -- but these are human mistakes not evil plots).

As it turns out, coincidently, my 18 year old stepdaughter and her mom will be in Fort Wayne, IN the week before the memorial visiting her other grandparents (we didn't know this -- neither she nor her mom had informed us of this trip before we made arrangements for attending the memorial). Once we understood that she would already be in IN, we asked if she wanted to go to the memorial. She said yes (while she was not close to her uncle (only saw him a total of 3 times her entire life) he was frequently talked about and loved in our household). However, she told us that her mom would be driving back to CO on Saturday (the event is on the following Sunday). Therefore, we said we would pay for a one-way plane ticket for her to come home if she really wants to stay the extra day and be at the memorial. She said that this would work and we purchased the ticket.

After we purchased the non-refundable plane ticket home, my husband's ex got angry at us: (1) we are interfering with her vacation; and (2)now she has to drive from IN to Iowa by herself (her husband is vacationing in Iowa -- and will drive back from IA to CO with her but with my stepdaughter staying in IN she would have no one to try with her from IN to IA). Therefore, to make her mom happy, my 18 year-old stepdaughter told us that she won't fly back with her dad and brother but will drive back with her mom and that her mom will stay an extra day in IN so that my stepdaughter can go to the memorial.

After getting to IN this week, my stepdaughter calls my husband and asks if her mom can come to the memorial. She tells my husband that her mom wants to start the drive to Iowa as soon as the event is over (they will be driving all night to Iowa) and it will be more convient if they can leave right from the event. My husband tells my stepdaughter that this would be awkward and doesn't want her mom to come (that is all he says). (Of course this would be awkward -- his ex, who broke his heart, would be there, while his current wife is not -- additionally, his relatives know his ex cheated on him (my stepdaughter does not know this) and they don't speak to his ex, in the past his ex told my husband that she didn't like his brother nor was she close to his brother, she didn't call and offer condolences upon hearing of his death two months ago, but now wants to attend the memorial? etc.). Initially my stepdaughter understands the awkward comment, but then a little later (after telling her mom and grandma that her dad prefers them not to come) calls my husband back and lays into him. She rehashes all of the old stuff that she gets from her mom and her own hurt feelings (you are a horrible dad, you don't love me, it's all your fault that you and mom got divorced, you pressure me to see you, I don't ever want to see or talk to you again, I hate you, etc.).

My husband, the good man that he is (and he is one of the best fathers I have ever known -- to all of his children), lets her vent. He later sends her the sweetest and most personal e-mail restating his love for her and how she is special to him (why he does and has always loved her). I can only commend my husband that he can take the abuse that he does but always keeps his eye on the greater goal of loving his children and that we are in this (raising children) for the long haul ..... bad moments pass if you work through them with greater love and then let go of them.

After receiving the e-mail, my stepdaughter states it brought a smile to her face and that she will stop by the memorial but will only be there for a little while before her mom picks her up. However, my stepdaughter doesn't apoligize for anything that she has said but states she needs to be able to express her feelings.

So now the plan is that my husband will drop my stepson off on Sunday morning to visit with his mom and grandparents (originally my husband had talked to his former in-laws about bringing my stepson by on Monday morning to see them. However, the ex wants my stepson to come on Sunday morning (the day of the memorial) so she can be present when he visits his grandparents. He's 21 and doesn't want to cause "a thing" and so he will go). Then my husband will go help my nephew and his sister set up the memorial at the farm (set up chairs, bake cookies, etc.). Then his children (my stepson and stepdaughter) will come by later after they are done visiting their grandparents. My stepdaughter will leave the memorial service early with her mom picking her up to start the drive to IA.

Thus, a weekend that was met to celebrate and remember my brother-in-law (who truly was an inspiring and wonderful person) with beloved friends, will now become: (1) a weekend of shuffling kids around, (2) having his former in-laws not speaking to him (for not inviting them to a memorial where they didn't really know the deceased) and now not wanting him to bring my stepson by on Monday to see them, (3) making my stepson feel torn between wanting to be there for his dad and having an added obligation to spend time with his mom and grandparents on his mom's schedule; (5)having a daughter who made a big deal about how important it was for her to come to the memorial and then who will only stay about 20 minutes if that, and will spend a good time of the weekend grieving without his most supportive family member (me) -- I am left wondering why we just didn't have him, me and our daughter go and forget the whole drama piece of involving any of the older children ......