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FDH read my TEXTS to my BFF about his son!!!

dledden's picture

Submitted by dledden on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 12:41pm

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General Discussion

I am pretty smart, and SAFE when it comes to my disclosure about my dreaded stepson to others. When I text my BFF and converse about the kid, by the time fdh comes home from work, i make sure I delete all my texts from the day. See, fdh is SNEAKY and tries to find shit on my computer and my phone (like if i'm having an affair or something, which i'm totally not). When we first started dating I had an indiscretion, which i confessed to. ever since I guess he still doesn't trust me. Nothing has happened since....ANYWAY..........

A few weeks ago we got into an argument at night at bedtime. I guess I did't wanna have sex or something. so he came downstairs......a few minutes later, he's STORMING up the stairs, then begins SCREAMING at me for texts i wrote to my BFF about his "fatass" son. throws the phone onto the ground, starts freaking out, etc. I start back by "who the hell are you to go through my phone and my computer, etc." totally turned it around. Long story short, I was able to worm my way out of it and apologized, etc. I have since put a password on my COMPUTER and my new iphone. this way, NOBODY including my kids can get onto my electronic devices without my permission!

So, last ngiht we had another argument and he gets loud with me and brought up the "FATASS" comment again! I started freaking out AGAIN about how he should NEVER be reading my personal texts and thoughts that i share with my BFF. He was like well that's obviously how you really feel about my son......I said YES, YES IT IS!!!! THE TRUTH FUCKIN HURTS DOESN'T IT? He threw me off the bed and told me to get out.....I said maybe if you handn't IGNORED YOUR SON'S FUCKIN AUTISM FOR 5 FUCKIN YEARS MAYBE THESE PROBLEMS THAT YOU LEAVE ME TO DEAL WITH ALL THE TIME WOULDNT EXIST...yes, I hit WAY BELOW THE BELT, I know....but he DESERVED it. don't PUT YOUR FUCKIN HANDS ON ME...that's MY DAMN BED anyway!Going toe to toe with me verbally where his FATASS son is concerned is NEVER going to fare well for him, he should already know this!!!

We are both under alot of stress this summer because our wedding is next month. finances are tight, and he's working alot of extra hours, leaving me to deal with extended bullshit time with his son, who I really truly cannot stand. I love being a stay at home mom for MY KIDS because due to some past experiences with their own biodad, they really need emotionally. But taking his on 24/7 at the same time is killing me....

I don't knwo what to do.......

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 12:46pm

Call it off now....Cut your losses and move on. He is bordering on abusive. Is this really the life you want?

dledden's picture

Submitted by dledden on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 12:58pm

i'm a certified teacher, I do work 3 days a week usually, but it's summer, so there's no work. I'm seriously considering going back to some kind of job fulltime, just to be independent again. I had a fulltime teaching position when we started dating, i quit becuase it was in the inner city, and way too stressful.

dledden's picture

Submitted by dledden on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:15pm

there's no baby momma; kid lives with dad. i'm thinking of banning myself from the home, that will be the best solution!

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:00pm

Oh boy...what a cluster fuck!!!

Honestly....I would leave him. No horrible skid and man that is going to constantly take his kids side no matter what he does is worth all of this aggravation and bullshit!!!

HE DOESNT DESERVE YOU!!! He is an asshole and completely disrespectful of you and your feelings. I know you want to be a SAHM to your kids but getting a job and having your own money and independence is so much more worth it then to be tied to a man that you have to deal with his fucking kid 24/7 and a man that invades your privacy and blows up at you because of your feelings!!!

I would call off the wedding...I know you will find a great man somewhere along the line and be TRULY happy with your situation...PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THIS MAN AND HIS COMPLETELY SHITTY SITUATION....Believe me no woman is going to want to deal with this man and his awful kid so do yourself and your boys a favor and dump his loser ass...ASAP!!!!

dledden's picture

Submitted by dledden on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:52pm

during the schoolyear, the skid is less of an issue for me, because he's in school. and, no I never called the KId anything to his face, this was solely ME venting to my BFF about it. fiancee should never be spying on me and my innermost feelings either.....EVER....i'm sure it burns his ass that now he can't spy on me anymore....nobody, even my mother, knows my passcodes to ANYTHING. so if I die, so does my email, my facebook, everything!

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 2:04pm

I'm sorry, but I believe parents have the right to know how a FW or FH really feels about their children. That parent should be able to decide if they want their child to grow up in a home with a SP who hates them.

That is a deal breaker for many parents.

I'm surprised that either one of you want to go ahead with this marriage. You both have good reasons to walk away.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 3:52pm

I agree!!! My BF knows how I feel about his S10 and he STILL wants to be with me. It defintiely helps alot to be with a man that you can be honest with and he accepts and respects your feelings even if he doesnt agree with or like them....

dledden's picture

Submitted by dledden on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 3:55pm

obviously he doesn't give a shit that i don't 'love' his son. neither does baby-momma, so I guess he's used to it. HATE is a strong word, I don't HATE the kid, I just don't LIKE him. I'd be happy if baby momma came and took him and we got him every other weekend or something. YES, that would make me happy. When the kid tells me he loves me, i tell him I love him back. i'm not a wicked evil human being. i'm here to VENT. I should be allowed to VENT without my spouse to be reading my innermost feelings. he may not like my kids either, and that's OK. I have enough love for my kids for both a mom and a dad!

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 9:30am

Exactly!!! You are here to VENT...you have every right to feel the way you feel also!!! It is better to get your true feelings out then to keep them all bottled up inside and REALLY take it out on skid lol.

And you are right, you have an expectation to privacy. My BF and I let eachother look at the others cell phones and we know eachothers passwords to fb etc. and he KNOWS my feelings about his kid as well. So essentially we both have nothing to hide from eachother BUT if you WANT privacy then it should never be an issue with your man...ever!!

I agree also that as long as BF treats your children with respect and doesnt abuse etc. them then that is all that matters. We as human beings are NEVER going to like/love and want to be around every single person we come into contact with all the time....that is just life!!!

tired1223's picture

Submitted by tired1223 on Sat, 07/28/2012 - 1:53pm

I agree! My kids are not perfect but neither are his. We BOTH understand this. I NEVER EVER put my skids down. He NEVER EVER would dream of putting my kids down. It boils down to RESPECT for one another.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:06pm

Wait

After all of that, the wedding is still on??

You really think this man is going to he ok with supporting your kids knowing how you really feel about his child?

momagainfor4's picture

Submitted by momagainfor4 on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:25pm

You're going to marry a man that throws you on the ground? This is disturbing. If he does this now, what will happen when you are married and have no place to go.

As far as the comment, we all say things that we shouldn't say about each other. That's human nature. Had you called your ss that to his face then that's another thing altogether but you didn't. You vented to your friend.
We all need to vent.
Maybe this is the tact you need to take with him.

he shouldn't be going through your phone, your computer or your things. period. if he doesn't trust you, then you got issues.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:40pm

Why would you marry this man??? You have a very clear picture of what your future will look like. There will be no way you can come out of this saying, "I had no idea what I was getting into". You're already in it & still going forward???

You can't stand the kid & your FDH is abusive. What is it that's keeping you there?

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:49pm

This is a case where, before marrying him you definitely know what you are getting into, so..... :?

Anywho78's picture

Submitted by Anywho78 on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 3:06pm

I'm with everyone else...I don't know your history as I didn't find any past blogs but from what you've said here,

1. You greatly dislike your FDH's child who is special needs & will require A LOT of extra time & attention, whether you like it or not, marrying him will include YOU pitching in. If he is low functioning enough, he may NEVER move out...think about that for a second...he's 5 now, do you want to have him in your home forever due to his functionality?

2. Your FDH does not trust you (due to your indiscretion early on in your relationship)...if he's not over it by now, he will never be over it & things will only get worse in the trust department. You seem candid over the "incident" but he has obviously not healed from it himself.

3. Your FDH has been physically abusive - that in itself should have you running for the hills.

4. Last but not least, your own children have issues due to their own BD history...do they need to live in a home with so much hostility coming from both you & your FDH?

I believe that you know what you need to do. Whether you do it or not is entirely up to you.

Best of luck.

phoenix410's picture

Submitted by phoenix410 on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 1:43pm

My DH has read my texts and messages to friends before, about his kids. Gets all upset. I mean, if tables were turned, and I saw him saying things like that about my angel of a son, I'd be annoyed too. But he doesn't want to hear when I have venting about his kids, so I have to get it out somewhere. I'm SO glad I found this site because I think my mom and BFF were getting tired of hearing my venting...

Poodle's picture

Submitted by Poodle on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 2:15pm

I have read a lot of your other posts. You are still treating your SS's autism as something hateful, disgusting, almost something that is being used to punish you by your FDH. You also mention again that you think it could have been cured by now if he had behaved differently. This tells me you are attaching all sorts of emotional baggage to this child's condition which it does not merit and which is causing you and everyone around you pain. Autism is incurable, OK? But it can be managed, lived with and even celebrated if a parent works on it, at first 24/7 and gradually less and less as the child integrates into the outside world. But the attention and calm required is immense.
Whilst I really deplore the fact that your FDH has not arranged proper care for his own son who has these very heavy needs I have also felt sorry about the way you feel about this child because you have been hurting yourself and, now that these feelings are all out in the open between you, it is all going to get worse.
The child's autism has now become not only a reason for you to fulminate with all sorts of wrongheaded attitudes to events but it has become an excuse for FDH to physically attack you in his rage at your attitude. It's not only deeply dangerous to have moved into this situation but it's also reminiscent of what you've said elsewhere on this site about your previous DH who was also violent. You know from experience that this type of violence escalates but you are still planning marriage.
You need to either insist on heavy premarital counseling now, to deal with the issues of the disability and the violence and you also need urgently that he get a different type of childcare for his son. The only alternative is to yourself get out of this situation fast before you or any of the children pay any further price for the horrifically negative emotional situation you have gotten yourselves into.

Imjusthere's picture

Submitted by Imjusthere on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 9:59pm

One of my sk is mentally challenged. It is not an easy task for his bio parents and much less me. However, I knew what I was getting into. I also am able to tell my DH exactly how I feel about my sk without concern of him yelling at me. I'm respectful of the fact that they are his kids, but still, I have to be honest! If you can't take it now with his autism, it isn't ever going to get better! Some kids will be more independent than others. And some will always be dependant of their parents. I would never allow my DH to put his hands on me, no way in hell! I say get out now before it gets worse and you have to go through a divorce. I love my challenged sk, but he is a challenge at times. We just have to remember that there is not always something they can do about it. It's up to the parents to do their job and teach them!! good luck to you but I say take a good look at yourself, if you don't think you can handle him now, it won't change. Good luck!