FDH, Drugs and BM, PLEASE HELP
Oh my god. I am in shock right now but I am going to attempt to write out my feelings as clearly as possible because I really need some support and advice.
My FDH has a history of drug use and addiction, luckily now he is clean, happy and healthy. He met BM at a time when he was using and their relationship revolved around drugs until BM found out she was pregnant. I knew about FDH's past but he is clean now and that was what mattered to me.
A few days ago FDH told me that he was going over to BM's house. BM had called him upset that FSD9 was acting out and she wanted FDH to talk to her. This didn't bother me because I know that BM does not discipline FSD. I assumed that FDH wouldn't be gone too long but he was gone for about five hours. At that point I was very upset and a little bit worried. I was pretty much laying in bed trying to sleep when FDH finally came home.
When FDH came home he confessed that he and BM had used cocaine together. I was very upset and disappointed. Not only because he was relapsing but because he was relapsing with BM with his daughter in the next room. The bottom line was that we got into a huge fight.
The next day, I texted BM. Yep, I went there. Was it wrong? Anyway, here are the texts and yes she really does text with awful grammar like this.
ME: I can't believe that you would use cocaine with your ex-husband with your daughter in the next room. I thought we had been on the same page lately with FSD needing stable and mature influences.
BM: How dare u accuse me of anything! FSD does need mature ppl but yr not 1 of them.
ME: I don't know what you mean but doing drugs with your ex with your daughter right there is not mature.
BM: Ur a control freak, this is my famils not urs. You r going to regret pushing me too far.
ME: I'm not a control freak, I'm looking out for the safety of FSD. Do not threaten me.
BM: You're accusing me of things I didn't do. I'll threaten you all I want.
ME: I know what happened, FDH told me, and no you will not threaten me anymore.
BM: what the fuck r u going to do about it? Nothing! U wouldn't b able 2 defend yrself against me u stupid kid.
ME: Please act like a thirtysomething woman and be mature, also do not underestimate me.
BM: Ooh scary words, u have no club who yr fuckin w/ u'll find out. Peace out bitch.
I was sitting with FDH when this happened and BM texted me saying, "You told KatDarling?!?! Y??" That text amused me because at the same time she was texting me denying her behavior she was texting FDH asking why he told me.
Anyway, FDH got slightly upset that I "riled up" BM. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved, although she did keep threatening me after I deliberately said, "do not threaten me". I don't know what to do I am just so angry and hurt.
- KatDarling's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You need to get off of this
You need to get off of this train before it wrecks. I can't see one positive thing about this relationship.
Don't blame all of this on BM because he is just as guity as she is and obviously he is still a user.
Ummm gone. See ya. And report
Ummm gone. See ya. And report BOTH their arses to CPS.
Life is too short to allow people to regress into destructive behaviour. He betrayed several trust issues... hanging with his ex. Taking illegal drugs. Taking illegal drugs with his ex. Taking illegal drugs with his ex while their daughter is in the room next door.
And tell me why you are still with this man? In my world taking illegal drugs means I lose my job and DH would also lose his security clearance. Hence SS#1 has been told in no uncertain terms the day he comes here stoned or with drugs on his person is the last day he is ever near our property.
Personally I wouldn't have gone there with her. It isn't your place to read her the riot act when her cohort in crime is sitting right beside you as your other half. MAture influences? When her father cannot say no? YOu should be addressing this issue with your FDH and not with his crack ho. If anything I suspect no one reported her to the authorities because she would have thrown him under the bus as well.
Time to take off the rose-coloured glasses. He isn't changing, he won't change, he likes snorting more than he likes you. The only mature ones in this mess are you and I suspect the SD.
Do.Not.Marry.This.Man. Leave
Do.Not.Marry.This.Man. Leave immediately. This is going to sound harsh, but if you knowingly marry a man who is an addict and using, you get what you deserve. Addiction ALWAYS wins. You will ALWAYS be second to drugs. You will have to ALWAYS tow the line. You will ALWAYS question where he has been and what he has been doing. You will most likely end up supporting him because he will be unable to keep a job. You will end up in debt. You will probably end up a widow. I could go on and on...you deserve so much better than that. You cannot fix him...save yourself a lifetime of heartache and misery. I am NOT exaggerating. Good luck. Keep us updated.
You're all right. Honestly
You're all right. Honestly you are. I thought that since he hadn't used in so many years he would never relapse. I have a lot of thinking to do and lots of talking with my therapist to do haha. It means a lot to me that I have people here to vent to, thank you.
Wow. From my experience Run,
Wow. From my experience Run, Run now and dont look back. If he is doing coke with her what is stopping him from sleeping with her. He only told you because he feels guilty and wants to see what he can get away with. Total manipulation. Cocaine is a very hard drug that once you are hooked is very hard to get off. The fact that he violated your trust and got high with his ex-wife tells you everything. Get out of this relationship while you still can. I know this is easier said than done. But if you stay you will regret it. If you go you will be so happy you did. I have been in this kind of relationship and you never fix them. They fix you with an addiction or with debt and heartache. You don't just accidentally do coke. That is a conscious decision. I wish that I could tell you that its going to be okay. But its not. Good luck and keep us posted you will be okay.
My XH was also an alcoholic,
My XH was also an alcoholic, and though he was a nice one, addiction is devastating to anybody who is around the addict. Sadly, XH died 3 years ago at age 48 from liver disease.
Oh, NO. I am SO sorry. It
Oh, NO. I am SO sorry. It always amazes me how things can turn on a dime and our entire worlds are upended.
That said:
The texts to BM were useless. You were telling her how wrong SHE was to be getting high with her ex with her kid around. Um, SO DID HE. He got high with his ex with his kid around. I guess I plumb just don't get the pissy fight with BM. You have issues at home.
Call CPS. On BOTH of their sorry a$$es. Tonight. Please. Do what you can to save that little girl.
Then pack. Get your a$$ outta dodge and count your blessings. You foundo out who he really is BEFORE you're married to him with kids of your own.
He's gonna beg. He's gonna apologize. He's gonna swear it's the ONLY time it's ever happened and it will NEVER happen again. He may even cry.
Just say no. Don't go down with this ship. ((Hugs))
I agree with you about the
I agree with you about the pissy fight being pointless, but I also would have been very tempted to do the very same thing. There is just something about BM thinking she has "secrets" with Dh that just gets my blood boiling.
KD- please walk away. This is just a disaster in the making.
Hi Kat, I'm so sorry you're
Hi Kat,
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I agree with those who said call CPS on both of them, give them all the evidence you can, and please leave this man.
(((HUGS)))
I'd be very, very shocked if
I'd be very, very shocked if at least half of the five hours wasn't spent in her bed. :jawdrop:
I agree with everyone. You
I agree with everyone. You need to walk away from this. It is going to spiral out of control quickly. And what the hell was he doing for 5 hours with her???? There is no way I would want any drugs near my life....you need to decide if he is worth that lifestyle.
I rarely advise running away.
I rarely advise running away. Especially if married unless there is abuse, addiction or adultery. He most definatly has an addiction, and I would place money on it that he had sex with BM on the night he hang out with her for 5 hours doing coke.
I glanced at your other blogs and this relationship is heading nowhere, fast. What kind of person does coke while their kid is in the next room???!!
Kat, I'm sorry....this sucks
Kat, I'm sorry....this sucks for you!!! I honestly am not going to echo everyone else. I'm not of the sentiment of once a...always a....
To me, personally the relapse is not that much of a big deal as it is that it was with his ex-wife.
People fail us, they fail themselves, they stumble, they fall, they screw up. Some people struggle with drugs, others have personality faults or abusive behavior or...the list goes on.
I wont' sit here and tell you to run for the hills.....BUT you do have to think this through logically.
Look-I know addicts that relapse, and recreational users that did drugs when younger and now they don't...and even true addicts that don't relapse....everybody has their demons in one way or another. The question is whether everything else about this man is worth the risk, kwim? I'm glad he admitted it to you-but it was still completely out of line. I do understand you being angry enough to text her but in reality she doesn't owe you a thing-he does.
I also agree that the fact
I also agree that the fact that the relapse was with his ex-wife speaks volumes. Yes, addicts do relapse but the fact that his ex was able to "tempt" him successfully means that she has power over him and now she knows it for a fact. She will not stop now that she has this victory. She will work him and do her best to get him back now that she knows she has a chance.
I also question what happe4ned during those 5 hours. Coke makes you very horny and this is a woman who he slept with in the past. If he did not come home and have sex with you that night, I would question whether he had sex with her.
I am so very sorry that this is happening to you. I am not going to say "run" - that is for you to decide but please know what you are dealing with. He needs to earn back your trust and you would be well within in your rights to say that means NO MORE time alone with the ex if you choose to stay.
To me, personally the relapse
To me, personally the relapse is not that much of a big deal as it is that it was with his ex-wife.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
ITA!
I hate to add this but yes,
I hate to add this but yes, IMO the 5hrs gone, w/your ex..and it does make you horny...I wouldn't put it past him honestly.
You may love this man but if
You may love this man but if he truly loved you he wouldnt of went to his ex's house and did coke. If I were you I wouldnt even be there right now. As soon as I found out I would be leaving and then the next morning calling social services on their asses.
Run the like the wind and
Run the like the wind and call CPS. Do not let "THEM" drag you down into a world of shit.
Someone said this was just as much as "cheating" - if they did cocaine together, they very well may have had sex together. You can't trust anything at this point.
I am sorry for you.....people just have no shame.
{{{{hugs}}}}
{{{{hugs}}}}