Father’s Day for a step dad
Wondering if this is common.. I have my son 13 and I have common law gf with 3 girls. 20-15-11. Oldest in university now. So my son and two step daughters live with me. We've been blended for 6 years and been with my gf for 10 years. Not sure if it's just me or if it's everywhere. But the step daughters real father hasn't been in touch with his kids for 5 years. I've done everything I could and can to make them them feel welcomed open arms I bought a house and told the girlfriend her and her kids can move in. Start blended. But after 6 years of doing all I can to make everyone happy I can't even get a hi when I come home from work. No thank yous. Not lying on Father's Day. I understand I'm not the biological father but I've stepped up to the task and it goes under appreciated and no acknowledgment from them. Their mother says oh they love you so much and appreciate everything you do. But actions speak otherwise. I'm wondering how everyone else's is doing in this kinda of situation. I know being a step parent is the most under appreciated position someone can do. There's gotta be more value and respect then what I receive I hope. Otherwise what's the point ?
I was your stepdaughter
My own father was killed in WW2 and my stepfather legally adopted me when I was 5. He wasn't particularly good with kids, hadn't been around kids much and didn't marry til his 30s. He was grouchy a lot and we just didn't gel. He worked 2 jobs to provide for us all - 3 more kids arrived later and he loved Mom deeply. I just stayed out of his way.
Things hit the fan when I was a teenager. He tried to rein in my social life (wisely, I think now) but I was determined and defiant. I married at 18, was a mother of 2 by 21.
When my marriage broke up, he was the person who helped fix up my rental. But due to my ex's stalking, the kids and I had to move back with Mom and Dad. That meant 3 adults and 5 kids in a small house. He never complained and was out every cold morning making sure my old car started.
I matured over the years and marrying DH and becoming a stepparent opened my eyes. When my daughter went to college, he lent me tuition $ so I didn't have to get a parent loan.
I thought about Fathets Day, what could I do? The only interest we had in common was eating, lol, so we started going out for lunch each Fathers Day. I enjoyed it and later, Mom told me he'd shop for an outfit and get up early to shower and shave.
When he got sick with cancer, we became closer. He confided his worries about my disabled sister and commisserated with my problems.
I'm hoping your stepdaughters mature, too. They already appreciate you and will show it later. Happy Fathers Day! You sound like a good guy.
Wow. JRI, you choked me up.
My FIL sounds much like your dad. MIL's first DH, my brides BioDad, was killed in an under the influence single car accident a few days before my MIL found out she was pregnant with my DW.
My FIL and my MIL knew each other as kids. FIL dated DW's Aunt in HS. When MIL flew back to the US after her DH was killed, FIL was Johnny on the spot. He was at the hospital when DW was born. DW was the flower baby as a 2mo when MIL and FIL married.
She had the "Your not my dad!" phase in her early teens. When DW found out she was pregant with SS at 16yo it was FIL who made sure DW knew he had her back. He workedm he made her work, made sure she stayed in school and did not let the school administration bully her into dropping out and doing the pregnant girl GED program. DW graduated with her class with honors with SS not quite yet 1yo on her hip. When the Spermidiot went non linear and DW kicked him out, FIL made damned sure that the dipshitiot did not return to the property and stayed the hell away from his daughter.
They were exceptionally close. DW was FIL's person. I made that observation not too many years into our marriage. My MIL told my bride that same thing a few years ago. MIL told her "You know that you were your dad's person." FIL passed in 2018. I recommended that we do our vow renewal on our 20th so FIL could walk DW down the isle. I was not confident he would make our 25th which is a more traditional anniversary for a vow renewal. We had a beautiful wedding ceremony in DW's home town officiated my our son, FIL walked DW down the isle on the lawn of the incredible winery/vinyard. She gave her daddy adoption papers for her at our renewal rehearsal dinner. They did not do an adoption when DW was a child because of her BioDad's VA survivors benefits that MIL and DW received.
He passed a month before our 24th anniversary. Sadly my fears were right.
FIL and I had a connection through his daughter, but also as men who raised the very young child of another man when we married. FIL knew BioDad, who was in some ways similar to the Spermidiot in character. DW's BioDad had a party problem. The Spermidiot had an underage girl problem.
I have never had the heartbreak of the "Your not my dad!" moment with my son. We did have SpermGrandHag trying to PAS SS into those moments. SS did come home from a visitation when he was about 8-ish with "(SPermGrandHag) says your not my real dad and that you are only my StepDad.). We had never hidden those facts from SS so an updated talk put that to bed.
A acouple of years later SS came home from a SpermLand visitation with "(SpermGrandHag) says your not my dad and I can't call you dad." Another updated talk put that to bed. Any time it did float with a toxic attempt by the Hag it ended with SS stating clearly that while he did not weant to hurt anyone's feelings, I am his dad. Which was also his perspective when we discussed adoption a couple of times. Papers would not change the fact that I am his dad, and he did not want to hurt the SpermClan.
I am proud to be one of those guys. Like your dad, my DW's dad.
Many kids (and some adults)
Many kids (and some adults) don't have the maturity to understand and be grateful for what they have. Kids will often not show much gratitude for basic things they expect (and frankly, should get from parents). My thinking is this: The things I do for my skids are really being done for my husband. He has the responsibility for and obligation to those kids, not me. If I'm taking on some of his role, it's for his benefit. HE should be showing me gratitude and honoring me. Ideally he should also be teaching his kids to be appreciative and show it, especially on a holiday like Mother's or Father's Day, but I'll settle for heartfelt appreciation from him.
ETA: our partners should also be insisting on respect and basic civility from their kids to us. If we're not getting that, our partners have failed miserably as parents.
Makes sense
I understand what you're saying. I totally agree with you on that 100%. It's hard to say no for me. I'm too nice I guess. Trying to be liked and seen for what I have done for them. But maybe I should start
I believe being grateful and
I believe being grateful and showing appreciation is taught by the parents. So many fail this.
My two SDs, 20 and 18, hardly ever showed it to me, or anyone! I get no recognition at all now. So neither do they from me.
My DH laments that his kids aren't appreciative I just shrug and say they were never taught how to be. I annoys him but it's the truth.
So look to your wife for that answer.
They know
I'm not sure if it's cause ungrateful or just hate men? They talk bad about their real Dad I'm not sure if it's because of what they've overheard their mother talking him down. But everything their mother does there is always thank yous that follow. Cooking supper. Doing their laundry. But I get home from 12 -14 hr days working and their mom working I'll come cook supper. Do dishes clean up and no thanks. I go sit in my living room watch tv they will leave or begin using phones. It just makes it difficult. I understand they're kids. We are adults.
But cmon. I feel like it's almost time to say I'm done wasting my time.
My OSD is a self-declared man
My OSD is a self-declared man-hater. She's majoring in women's studies in college and surrounds herself with like-minded women (my Sister in Law still sees her social media and keeps me up to date as needed). BUT that is no excuse. It's no different than someone hating women or kids or another race just because. They should have learned to treat all people well, be kind, be thankful, help others out and all that! I told my DH when OSD came out as bisexual I told him I could give a crap about who she chose to sleep with but the fact that she's a b*tch trumps everything.
They are "just kids"
No, they are old enough to know what they are doing, and do something different. Your partner is deflecting your experience of their behavior. You are being shunned in your own home, they are not doing the basics of what you do when someone is taking care of you, basic human acknowledgement is not being done. Thats on your partner, the parent. You should really have a BIG HUGE heart to heart, and tell her where you are at.
If things do not change, or she deflects you once again "oh they love you they just are shy about showing it", you must disengage. Hopefully your finances are separated, and the bio father is paying his share of support. If not, then you must require your partner to pay her fair share of her kids you didnt make.
Yeah, I totally know about lack of appreciation. Skids on my end are terrible and my husband is not a partner on the same team.
I took him and his darling - SD18 Princess Powersulk do nada and my parents out for a lunch meal and got no thank you from SD. The other SD25 Feral Forger is no contact with us due to a skirmish where she called me a wh@re and her father has abandoned her.
Yes
Everything is in my name I have my own bank I use. She isn't involved in my finances. And of course being a step dad I have giving her money for so much over the years help here help there. There real father doesn't pay a cent. He is a big loser. Another story... I don't know how I would react if my son called my gf a whore. I'd punish him for sure. That would be horrible. My son is polite. Doesn't back talk doesn't say no to her. So lots of wasted time and effort here
What you are living is difficult.
IMHO, what you are living is a factor of your GF and a factor of not enforcing standards of behavior on your SDs.
Though kids are smart. Hopefully your SDs will find their voice to express their appreciation.
I raised my SS-31 as my own since he was 2yo. I never had to deal with the lack of appreciation. Even with toxicity in the blended family opposition, SS knew where his home was, who his family, is and that I am his dad.
His mom would not tolerate anything less than the two of us being parents to any kids in our home. Regardless of kid biology. As it turned out, SS is an only child in our marriage. She would also not tolerate disrespect towards me by SS, neither would I.
Yes
I've been with the youngest since she was 2 also. I get the look all the time as a walk by. I've brought it up many times. Nothing changes. I can only take so much and now it seems the end is near for this guy to stop caring and wasting my time and money on unappreciated people. I know after they are adults I'm just gonna be the guy who is banging their mom in their eyes. After all the hard work and dedication for nothing
Their mother should be
Their mother should be thanking you every day for what you have done for her and her kids.. you are helping to shoulder HER obligations as a parent. She should also be encouraging her daughters to express thanks when you or anyone else does something nice to them. I don't know if they are like this with other adults.. but it's a lack of parenting that comes through when kids are not respectful.
Their mother should have been the one to encourage her kids to do "something" for you for father's day. Maybe for them the subject is raw since their real father is a POS.. but they don't have to call you "dad".. but a gee, you're not our dad but we are glad you stepped up and are part of our family... something.. a card... a box of cookies.. would have been nice.
My SD's do wish me a happy mother's day.. but are spotty in the gift department.. lol. I do have a good relationship with them.. and the younger one (26 now).. does tell me she appreciates how I stepped up and made their lives better.
Makes a
I agree. Makes a big difference.