That's a tough one. I was going to say to just let him have a relationship with her on his terms and don't bother trying to be involved, until you said that SD did some unacceptable things to you directly.

In that case, I would feel very betrayed by DH if he just went on playing nice with SD without any kind of statement to her about how unacceptable it was and how angry and hurt he is that she would do that to you.  I do get that he has a right to a relationship with his kid, but I would expect him to put my well-being and safety above that, especially once they are adults.

Your DH is playing both sides of the fence. Tell him you want him to have a relationship with his child but you expect to be treated like his wife....by the both of you. Since you know SD won't do it, stay away from her, and don't harbor fantasies of having a relationship with her.

You're expecting your DH to do what many of our DH's are too chicken to do - hold their adult children accountable for their behavior. Now that he is yucking it up with SD, it feels like betrayal.  I wish I had just quietly disengaged and removed myself from the situation. That has a way of resolving the problem because SD will get bored of the game she is playing. 

If DH wants to try to draw you into the relationship too tell him that when you see SD treat him with respect for an extended period of time, you will consider it.

This has happened to me -- for your husband's sake, you offer skids another chance with conditions and all husband hears is that skids have another chance...it really just becomes another chance for the skids to kick you in the ass down the pike. You give in and then the cycle starts all over again.

I don'tneed more detail to know your husband's "people" overstepped more than a few boundaries. When you mess with someone's livelihood, the gloves are OFF. The next time they overstep, you might end up unemployed! So you CANNOT just forgive and forget this -- there's something serious at stake. Those women didn't just bad mouth you -- they attacked for serious injury when they called your employer for ANY reason.

For now, forget that your husband ignored your conditions and began communicating with SD. Start asking him often, "So when are we sitting down with SD to talk this through?" He doesn't even need to know you know he's talking to SD. Just keep pounding away at scheduling that sit-down because that's all that's standing in your way of moving forward with SD -- and I assure you, he'd rather DIE than ask his precious SD to sit down and answer for her future behavior toward you. It probably won't ever happen, but by repeatedly asking him to schedule it, you remind your husband that there was a condition for you to move forward, it has not been met and YOU STILL EXPECT IT TO BE MET, so even if HE has moved forward, your deal with him still stands. When he knows you're still expecting the sit down, he will start figuring out how he will weasel out of this one, but at least he won't weasel out of it AT YOUR EXPENSE AGAIN. Let him ask something of SD this time to get past her bad behavior. Then let that simmer.

About your husband... You are likely in the cycle where skids do something wrong, there's a blowup, you and he agree to forgive the skids with conditions, he forgives skids and the conditions are history. This is the point where you realize the skids just shafted you and HE permitted it (again). This repeatedly happened with my SD -- my husband was great at forgiving her for treating ME like crap, but not very good at the conditions I said must be met for me to move forward with SD. Your husband is HOPING you will forget your conditions so HE doesn't have to request/demand/urge more civil behavior from his kids toward you. I guess that's just too much to ask of his kids...

I stuck to my guns and told my hsuband I WILL NOT move forward in any relationship with SD as long as SD continues her passive-aggressive or outright attacks. That was my way of saying either of them could improve the situation however they see fit, but if no one does, I'm out. And eventually, I was out. I haven't seen SD in 2+ years and she is not allowed to my house. For the stepmother, there is no point in staying in the cycle you're in now -- they won't be civil to you and he won't leverage anything to make them be civil. And if by chance they are civil once or twice, you already know any civility SD shows to you will eventually become something acidic for whatever reason she has to justify it (not that anyone is asking her to justify treating your poorly).

Over the years I demanded civil treatment from SD. My husband could never do what needed to be done to force it. I disengaged. End of story.

As I see it, the choice is keep eating shit sandwiches from skids and husband or disengage. Why should YOU play ball if THEY won't play ball?

He Will let SD do what ever she wants, give her gifts, so he can talk to her.  She is just using you two as ATM.  You have to disengage from this whold thing.  But demand respect from DH.  

SD has BM back.  I would have no contact with SD and BM especially after what she did at your work.  That is totally uncalled for, stabbing you in the back like that. There has to be some type of a really food good apology,  more then I’m sorry.  This going to your work was planed, they hade to drive there, they had time to think.  That why that really bad.  

I completely banned and blocked my grown SS and his GF 2 1/2 years ago.  They just do not exist as far as I am concerned.  

DH can see or talk to them as he wishes but NEVER in my home even if I am not there.  DH has no extra money so they no longer get any financial benefit from us. 

Works for me. 

My SD is 23. She lived with us from age 5 to 18. Her BM was not part of her life for all 13 years.  DH and I have 2 boys together, 14 and 16. As an aside, my SD does have bipolar, diagnosed at 18. She chooses not to treat her illness. 

Shortly before SD left our home, she made false accusations against DH and myself.  She told horrendous lies about some of my family members. She made up so much shit that there are people in town who still won't speak to us.  She came after my sons, attempting to contact them at school. She actually stated in an email that she has more legal claim to my sons than me or DH.  Her mental illness does not excuse the lies, but it does explain why it happened.

We (DH and I) both cut her off. Social media and phones blocked. 

After some soul searching, DH decided he wanted contact with her again. I encouraged him to reach out. I stand firm on my beliefs.  I am not ready to make nice and probably never will.  The boys have been told that they can have contact if they want it at age 18. OBS16 won't. Not sure about YBS14.

DH and SD talk on the phone.  They are friends on FB.  She and the boyfriend met with DH yesterday for lunch (they live 4 hours southeast of us).  I do buy small things here and there for her.  DH has no clue of what young women like or want.  Her boyfriend has 2 teen daughters, and I intend to buy them things as well.  My parents were very accepting of the fact that I was marrying a man with children and accepted DH's kids as their grandchildren.

The point of all of this is that he has a relationship with his daughter.  I do not have to be part of it.  And, he doesn't have to sneak around to do it.  It does help, in my situation, that she does not live with or near us.  She has been banned from our home and there is no plan to lift that at any time.  It really is easier than it sounds.