fairly new here...but here's my situation!
my bf has a 3 yr old who I have known since he was only months old. we met when i was 15 started a relationship took a break and reunited 3 years ago. (obviously in the time we were broken up he made time to have a baby). We've lived together for two years now and recently found out WE are having a baby. we are excited about it, but the more that his son comes around the more worried i get. my bf lets his son dictate everything. I am 22 yrs old and refuse to let a 3 yr old tell me what i can and cannot do!!!! i hate the way he lets him act and like most ppl on here say about their dh's, i feel like he does it because he feels bad about not spending every waking minute with him. i on the other hand feel like i can see everything clearly since i dont have that 'special bond' with the kid. we had a fairly good relationship until a couple of months ago when he really started acting out and finally made me break down. BM started a new relationship and started bringing her bf around ss (i call him my step son because he comes to our house every other weekend and i have known him for the majority of his life) well he started acting out for attention and started accusing me of hitting him!!!! he did this when i was in the living room, he was in our bedroom and my bf was in the kitchen so there was no doubt in my bfs head that i did not hit him. he even went to ss and asked him again what he said. ss pointed to an old scar and said i had just hit him there. he would also say things like he loves me but he doesnt like me, etc etc. and i just finally couldnt handle it anymore. since then i have distanced myself from him and feel like petty things now bother me more than they should.
i guess i am here to ask how some of you were able to build positive relationships with your step kids. i desperately want to find a way for me to not find him annoying even when hes acting out. I am usually okay friday and early saturday but by sunday i am ready for him to leave!!! i'm scared that if this doesn't get resolved now, things wont turn out well when our baby is born. ive tried talking to my bf but it usually turns into a fight where he brings up the past and asks how long it is going to take for me to accept ss. i am desperately trying to but i just cannot stand seeing my bf tolerate bad behavior, laughing and joking when ss does something bad/disrespectful.
any advice? :? 
This is such a hard
This is such a hard situation. I think my SS was 5 when he started to accuse me of doing things to him (not hitting, but other weird things that seemed abusive and were lies). It was about then that I realized that I would never love SS as my own child, I could love him, but had to keep my guard up. You've only done this for three years and hopefully I can fast forward you to the 7 years that I have dealt with it.
Just this weekend I finally told DH that I love SS, but since we have never been able to find any balance then he needs to take full responsibility for SS11. I no longer want to be left alone or responsible for him until ALL decisions I make when I am in charge are NEVER questioned. Since it has been years now, I really don't think that my actions will stop being questioned, but now I at least have explained that it's not that I hate SS, but I hate what the conflict is doing to my marriage.
Now, this has been a process. It has taken years for me to finally get to the point where I have mostly (you can never fully do it) separated myself from SS. I will tell you, though, that when I started to not say anything to SS about his behavior and just distanced myself as much as possible while he was in my house, DH did start to notice the things that SS does. It's almost like if I say something DH can get mad at me and not SS, but if I just leave the two of them alone, DH has to face SS's jacked up behavior himself. Try it out. When you feel irritated, just leave the room, don't say anything, get on here and vent, just watch and slowly you might see that your BF has to step up to the plate. You can tell him straight up that you are doing this, it's okay to warn him, but tell him it's to save your relationship.
i am definitely not ready for
i am definitely not ready for him to start school and start staying over during the week!!!
recently (since bm is in a new relationship) she suggested he come over every wednesday and i just about lost it! lol i convinced my bf to put it off until school started because really, it just doesnt make sense for my bf to pick him up after work (around 6 pm) and just take him back when he goes to work in the morning (varies, but sometimes as early as 530 am) we already have him every other weekend from fri night to mon morning. and sometimes all day monday (my day off, sometimes my bf gets the day off too) by monday night i am just relieved and always wonder how i made it through! lol
i also want some sort of HEALTHY relationship with ss because although he did say he doesnt like me he does seem to WANT a relationship with me which i can appreciate, however i'd like a more...structured relationship (if that makes any sense) than my bf has with him. i don't like feeling disrespected or taken advantage of. i feel like if he wants a relationship he needs to act like it all the time. he can't just be a brat towards me whenever he feels like it. i guess this is a lot to expect from a three year old, but i feel like if i dont put my foot down now he will grow up thinking its okay to treat me however he wants.
i WOULD like to be involved in things such as games, school programs because i also feel like its the right thing and HEALTHY thing for my own relationship but i need the other aspects to be in place before i can feel comfortable doing this.
thanks i'll definitely take
thanks i'll definitely take your advice abt explaining its to save our relationship.
after he accused me of hitting him my bf had a talk with him and asked me to do the same. i tried but it ended with ss telling me he doesnt like me so after that i decided that i did not want to be alone with him anymore, in case the accusations continued. they have since stopped, but he is just such a brat that i still do not want to be left alone with him. if we are all together we will talk and play together or watch tv together but i wont be with him alone still. i used to volunteer to watch him when no one else could but now i have more of a 'your kid your problem' attitude. i wont really go out of my way to change his clothes or bathe him, make him a bottle etc. every once in awhile my bf will ask me for help but he knows my stance on that.
I will still enforce rules in our house (i.e pick up after yourself, no shoes on the bed, etc.) and usually my bf backs me up but i feel like he ALWAYS should. we just cant seem to get on the same page on that. is this what you have issues with too?
the issue with me doing this though is that my bf thinks its because i dont like ss or that i am upset because i havent gotten my way. which isnt the case, i just get irritated when he lets a three yr old call the shots. for instance, every sunday we go to church (whether ss is with us or not) and ss hates it. we always give him the option of staying at his grandmas while we go but of course he wont leave my bfs side so he comes along. last night i went to work a special event, so they were left alone and i guess ss threw a tantrum about not wanting to go to church today so of course my bf said it wasnt necessary. to me, church is not negotiable so i decided i would remove myself from today's activities and do what i pleased. of course my bf got upset because he felt that i didnt want to spend time with his son, blah blah but i just felt like i needed the alone time for my own sanity. is this more or less what you mean by separating yourself from ss?
That's exactly what I mean
That's exactly what I mean and my DH sometimes throws the same accusations at me, but I just keep reminding him that I don't hate SS, but I want our relationship to last. It sounds like you're setting good boundaries, but your BF is struggling with his own boundaries. I feel like guys have a huge amount of guilt and do what they can (spoiling) to make their children feel loved, but I just think it creates more insecurity in the skids. You can go to events, have fun as a family, but keep yourself sane and happy. It sounds to me like you're on the right track, but nothing is perfect, I know I'm still struggling.
this may sound strange, but
this may sound strange, but sometimes i feel like the only time i can really enjoy myself when ss is over is when we are at family events or doing something to keep busy. when we have downtime or the three of us are completely alone is when things go bad.
youre definitely right about guys spoiling their kids to make them feel loved. my bf will fork out all the cash in his pockets to buy useless toys to try and make ss happy. i am more levelheaded and feel ONE toy a weekend is plenty. especially since this child is already spoiled by three (maybe four) other households. im also thinking long term: i dont want my little one to grow up and feel ss gets special treatment.
ahh such a complicated situation!
I will say that after my DS
I will say that after my DS was born, he's 2 now, SS did start to fall off the pedestal that DH had him on. That's been a little hard for SS to take, but with another one around DH seems to be realizing that SS is a bit of a manipulator and isn't an innocent little lamb.
just realized i commented on
just realized i commented on your post as well! haha i am so slow, its getting late
this is great news. it has been one of my biggest worries lately.
Yeah I have to sleep, too.
Yeah I have to sleep, too. I'm not saying that it works for everyone, but the new baby did really help DH see some things he'd been missing. SS, on the other hand, has some jealousy issues, but is trying.
My son did that to both my H
My son did that to both my H and I at that age. It's passed now that he is 4.5. Kids this age are hard to deal with esp if they are not yours. That's not their fault though, not at 3.
You are pregnant so you are likely going to have low tolerance for bad behavior. Your H needs to discipline child but please try to be patient. My H. and I both swear we would think our son was out to get us if he wasn't our son. Many kids are just hard at this age and it's so much harder when he's not your bio kid. You may need to have H. take over as much as he can so you can relax during your pregnancy.
Good luck
Good luck