This is SO job to fix. He should be setting expectations for SD to respect you. I'm not quite sure what to say about the texting. I have little experience in that area and would defer to the seasoned SMs on this forum. Initial gut is to block her, but if the child is still back and forth between your homes, I'm not sure that's a feasible option. 

BM has zero business contacting you.  BLOCK HER NUMBER. 

Are you sure this is the life long relationship of your dreams? 

You are not married yet, correct?

There is no "child" here. Any influence these women have on you is because it's being allowed or pushed by your SO. He is failing you. You have zero obligation to "chase" Princess Snottypants. 

I will start with the bad news here.  BM and SD do not have to respect you.  

But.. here is the good news.  You don't have to have their respect... Why care what people that don't care about you.. think about you.  

Also, that does not mean you have to accept abuse.  SD is an adult.. there is also zero reason why you have to read any of BM's texts.. you know her/BM's opinion of your lives means nothing.. just a bitter and jealous person.  So.. BLOCK her.  or send her an infuriating text like "I am not sure why you think you opinion carries any weight in my life or my husband's.. quite sad that you have nothing better to do than send pathetic texts like this.  I am blocking you and will seek legal recourse if you continue to harass me or my husband."

Now, regarding SD.  while she does not have to respect you and may well be poisoned by her mother's opinions.. that does not mean she should be allowed to act disrespectfully in your home.  there is a difference between respecting someone and being rude or disrespectful.  I have been respectful to people I do not respect.  

What that means is the riot act to your DH.. that he tells his daughter that she doesn't need to like you.. but she will be polite and respectful in the home..  you say hello.. she says hello back.  She is not obligated to carry on some long conversation.. but she will not be rude and ignore you in your home.

If she cannot do that.. I would just not make a point of greeting her either.. she is an adult... she can say the first hello.. you can match that energy.

I agree with DH. You should not lower your standards.

However, it is obvious that DH has no clue what your standards are.  You have standards on how you will be treated and on not tolerating crap from his failed family spawn.

So, don't tolerate SD-19's crap. Confront it.  IMHO disengaging just gives power to the asshole being... an asshole.  So, bare their ass and keep rubbing their nose in the stench they perpetrate with escalating consequences and escalating abject misery until they either pull their head out of their own ass or ... go the hell away.

As for BM, start ripping her throat out and making it clear that she is shit for nothing in your life and in your marriage.  Start pointing out her life failures, her shit parenting as evidenced by her shit children, and letting her know she can STFU and keep her nose out of your life and family or.... you will make her destruction our fondest hobby.

Then .... do it.

Make it clear that she is mistaking you for someone who gives as shit about her.  Tolerate no crap from her. At all. SHe is shit on your shoe, so scrap her off any time she tries to stick her stench into your life.

That your DH tolerates his toxic failed family spawn and his shit XW to disrespect him, you, and your marriage.... does not indicate that he is worth a shit either. 

Take care of  you.  And do not tolerate any crap from your Skids, your DH, or his family on your upcoming trip.  Go and visit your ILs and make sure that daddy/DH knows that his failed family offspring will not disrespect you, him, or your marriage and you will shred them even if it has to happen in front of his family.  If he does not get his spawn under control, that is is on him and so are the steps you take to put them in their place.

You are not going to change BM, that's a fact. You must disengage from her block her.   BM has the kids the majority of the time. Not much you are going to do about them.  DH must have your back unfortunately against his own kids.  

Take no disrespect from the rude entitled SD

Dont give a rats a** if DH doesnt like it. Obviously he doesnt care that you are made to feel inferior in your own home. Be loud and clear to SD. Trust me things rarely get better when you have a BM and skids out to make your life hell. Let er rip to SD. Let her know you are the queen and she has to kiss your a** NOT the other way round.

Let DH know that you expect better from him. That you are numero uno ALWAYS.

As for meddling B BM.Block the B. Ignore the B. She is not relevant to you.

Your DH needs to readjust how he views how his wife is to be treated. He is a coward expecting you to placate to the entitled  SD.

If SD doesnt greet you, you call it out. If SD is rude, you call it out. Call it out each and everytime. With any luck the snot wont grace your presence anymore. or until she can become a decent human. Which I doubt will ever happen since BM is her mommie dearest.

Blessings hun

Brilliant!

Block the bish BM, if you do not wish to respond. If your partner wishes to speak of her, either block it directly or change the subject.

you said: "SO expects me to keep trying and keep greeting her even though she will ignore me completly."

Ohhhhhhhhhh he!! to the nope. You are NOT obligated to princess snottypants shunner in ANY way.

You do NOT continue to "chase" and you do NOT sacrifice yourself on the altar of his failed family attempt. Nope nope nope.

Sorry you are continuing to have this in your life, it truly sucks.

Nope. Absolutely not. Don't give BM or SD the time of day. Did you really agree to go on vacation with someone who won't even look you in the eye? I would find a way to get out of it somehow. Doesn't sound like fun for ANYONE. 

My SD13 is like this. No acknowledgment at all. Perfect example here: She walked out the front door yesterday without saying a word. No clue where she was going or when she was coming back. I made dinner in the meantime and DH, myself and DS3 sat down and ate together. An hour later SD13 barges in and says "are we having spaghetti?!" I simply said, "No I already cleaned up." Plain and simple. If she can't say bye, then I shouldn't be expected to make dinner plans around her. 

If SD13 directly asks me a question, I don't ignore her and will always respond. Otherwise, I will not be the first to greet or make small talk. 

And block BM too. 

I relate to your story. Reading the comments, I'm also gaining on how to handle my own SS9. It's never easy to be around someone else's kids, especially because they have totally different values to yours. The parents have different parenting styles, which is ok, but they must instill some basic life skills & values in their kids. 

As for BM, I endured the abuse from her until I blocked her. She got my no from SS22's cellphone She used to tell me I should expect such for choosing a man with kids. 

Your SO is so full of shit!!!! I experienced both my SD34 shunning me while living with me full time for oer 7 years and with a shunning piece of shit in my workplace. I'll talk about SD first. H did nothing at all. I was in agony because I wondered why my own H thought so little of me that I deserved that treatment. He would do nothing. He once gently talked to SD but never took it further and that only emboldened her. I arranged for counselling as a last resort because I told H that I will not have our bio DD23 together witness her mother bending over and taking it up the ass just for the sake of a man. I will leave. I also didn't want our bio DD to turn out anything like SD, who was a mini-wife on steroids. 

Well, H and I saw the therapist and in our first session, the therapist told H that silence is assent. SD is the type of person who needs to be explicitly told something and to suffer consequences. Continuing to do something like kiss her ass only rewards her for what she's doing. In H's infinite wisdom he thought that if he "loved her to death," she would be inspired to change. Well, the therapist ripped H a new one and then gave me crap because I had been implementing my own strategy of attempting three contacts a day with SD and each and every time she rejected me and it never worked. I did this for months and months, more like a couple of years daily and it never worked. By this time I hated her fucking guts but did it for H because I was stupid and was afraid to lose him so I degraded myself to try to win him over, only it doesn't work. My self esteem got lower and lower and we ultimately ended up in marital counselling. Anyway, the therapist told me to knock off the attempts because I was literally handing her three opportunities a day to reject me and make a fool out of me. I'm to shun the bitch right back. Preferably H would ship SD off ot her BM's and not return until she can be respectful to me and DD.  Well, H couldn't stand the thought of SD not living with us, so the plan was that I'm to treat her how she treats me. H ended up giving me his blessing on that once the therapist explained that we can no longer reward SD and give her power for what she's doing. H then turned to me in our session and said the exact words, "if she gives you snot, give her snot right back." So, I did. 

Then I had a situation at work. We have "Shunning Bitch" as we call her. That's actually her nickname. She shunned us and created a nasty hostile work environment while every single week in our branch meetings she'd literally get rounds of applause. She got special provisions given to her that the rest of us didn't. One was that she got to continue working from home full time after the pandemic while the rest of us had to go back into the office. We felt very deflated that it was not only OK, but rewarded that this woman could abuse us and the rest of us weren't important at all. We tolerated that for over 7 years. Stupid upper management through that if they coddled Shunning Bitch, she would change. The head hauncho knew that morale was horrible so he got an organizational psychologist to come in and assess us. She ripped the head hauncho a new one and said that by kissing Shunning Bitch's ass, she's getting rewarded for how she treats the rest of us and her behaviour gets reinforced. Things changed and now she's gone and what a difference!

So, to make a long story short, your SO is too chicken to stand up to your SD. He's making excuses when he says that he's teaching her respect. He's actually rewarding her and giving her power and she's likely heady from knowing that your SO has you bowing down to her and chastizing you like you're a child and telling you to be the one to say hi. Your SO is degrading you and your SD knows it.

Unfortunately, if you are afraid enough of losing him, you won't want to go far enough to risk losing him, so nothing will change. It wasn't until I came across a post on here from a former member who said, "you accept the love you think you deserve." I went back to individual counselling to gain some self worth and self esteem and I reached a point of being more afraid of continuing to live that way than I was of losing my H. There was also a MAJOR case of mini-wife syndrome that managed to ramp up despite SD no longer living with us. It was unreal. Anyway, I let H know the score and about the changes I required "before the sun sets today," and other strong wording. I told him that a man not having my back is a deal-breaker.

You don't have to take this, but you do have to be willing to risk your relationship. That's what makes it so hard. If you are at that point, don't look it as your SD winning. Look at it as you winning because you chose yourself and you do not have to continue the dysfunction and shoddy treatment. I was at the point of having physical symptoms, some of which were scary.  No man is worth that. Your SO will not change because he doesn't have to if you're not causing any consequences for him. You will have to be the one to take charge and change the direction of your relationship. 

Good luck! You can do it!