Honest Opinions
With my first blog I received a lot of opinions essentially saying I shouldn’t care so much about SS and I should back off. That’s been swirling in ny head for the last few days. BM has never been a “good mom” by any standards. I believe she loves SS in her own way but it’s a very toxic way. SS is and has been treated as a sibling or best friend since they live with Grandma and she does the parenting.
With being involved since he was 1 and it being 9 years later I just have a hard time pulling myself away from the “our child” thought. I’ve since had my own child and I feel no different about the two of them. Let me reiterate, I KNOW I am not SS BM. Even when BM deserves all the disrespect in the world for choosing man after man over SS I still don’t allow it. I don’t allow DH to say anything negative about BM and I don’t encourage the disrespect from SS towards BM. If she tells us about it happening we also have a conversation with SS about respecting your parents because they’re the only ones you get. You may get bonus parents but your BM and BD are your parents above all else.
In our house DH & I have very similar parenting styles aside when he likes to be lax or too harsh with groundings. Someone responded to my last post saying “you have no authority over him”. I don’t fully agree and that’s where I need some advice. I feel as if I was a new relationship and SS remembered a time w.o me that I absolutely would have no say in anything. I also feel “our house our rules” and how does that make any other children we have act or feel if SS doesn’t have to respect what I say and has a different set of rules since dad can be a little too easy sometimes? At the end of the day I want SS to have a full happy life and have healthy relationships with sibs, parents, extended family etc. BM is so toxic and her and DH have never gotten along, I know for sure she hates me now and maybe me being involved with their conversations is making it worse so I’m okay with backing out of that aspect. Not like DH and I don’t talk about everything they talk about anyway and he asks my opinion on what decisions should be made. Not because he has to just that he respects my opinion from a loving mothers stand point.
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Comments
Well, if your SS respects you
Well, if your SS respects you as a parent, then you can be like a parent. But generally, especially if the other bio parent is high conflict and difficult, kids start saying "you aren't my mom" and NOT respecting your authority, at least once they get into their tweens.
So it's best if your DH is the primary parent for your SS. Now, it sounds like you don't always agree with his consequences or lack thereof, so at times you take over and give the kids the consequences YOU want them to have, which isn't great to do with your bio kids, either, it undermines your DH. So you two get on the same page as to what the house rules are for ALL of the kids and how they will be enforced.
Many people find that as stepkids they love age, they get more influenced by the other parent (if they are high conflict) and sometimes those kids become very difficult for the stepparent to like anymore, and sometimes their behavior become very challenging.
I’ll have to admit that in
I’ll have to admit that in the beginning I was stepping in & if he was too harsh I’d throw in the, “oh no we’re not gonna do that!” In front of SS but I learned my lesson very quickly when SS walked straight past DH to ask my permission for something. I felt horrible that it happened even tho DH didn’t care in the slightest. Now we have a private conversation on how we best think to handle to the situation so that stuff doesn’t happen.
‘I don’t fully agree and that
‘I don’t fully agree and that’s where I need some advice’....
I guess this is where it gets situation dependent, and what it is you feel you need a say in. If your discussions with your husband are productive and work for you then isn’t that enough? Worry less about labelling things. Putting names to things can cause no end of stress.
Theres nothing wrong with not wanting to be involved in discussions with bio mother. Equally you are allowed to have an equal say as to what you wish your family home to be like. Some issues may require bio mother or step son waiting for an answer whilst negotiations are made between you and your partner.
I guess my intentions were
I guess my intentions were just to always be respectful and assist in keeping the situation as functioning as possible. Now it’s gotten so out of hand with everything that it makes me worry about my place and if I need to have different boundaries. I try to put myself in her shoes but her and I as mothers aren’t even on the same spectrum so it’s impossible to go off of that.
In your other post, you were
In your other post, you were upset about BM not doing you the favor of letting you have SS for your family events. In that respect, you have no right to expect BM to let you have SS for your family events. I think that was what was meant by the "no authority" thing (but that particular poster could have meant anything).
I absolutely felt that I had authority in my own home, even when it came to my SD, though we only had her EOWE. I didn't do any actual disciplining but I had a say (not that she ever really needed disciplining, she was a good kid). But I kept out of the BM crap. Of course, my DH and I talked about everything but I had no contact with BM or her family. That was not my crazy to deal with.
There are plenty of step parents that are parental figures to their step kids, who love them, and parent them like their own. There is nothing wrong with that... on your and your DH's time. But you can't dictate BM's time and you can't expect her to play nice and reciprocate any favors you do for her.
Nothing wrong with you being involved in your DH's decision making, either, if that's what he wants. That's what partnership is about.
My Honest opinion is
You do what ever you want, it’s your life and your family. You are not going to change BM mind. You are not going to make BM let you take over control of SS and have equity control in visitation times. She will try her best to keel you in your place, second.
That is what you have to work with. Just be sure not to tick off BM where she starts turning SS against you and DH
I agree you have authority.
I agree you have authority. Especially in your own home. Frankly I feel I have more than that even, because BM would rather sit and watch a kid suffer than have to put in... effort! *gasp*
the reality is, you have as much authority as your DH allows you to. So if your DH backs you up, then you DEFINITELY have authority, but if your DH doesn’t have your back and allows comments such as “you’re not my mom!” Or “I don’t have to listen to you!” To slide by, then you start losing authority.
As tog said, high conflict BMs make life hard. We have one. We call her Psycho, for lots of reasons, but one being that she’s high conflict. She’ll b**** about anything and everything, say nasty things, etc. she’s a sucky person and parent, but unfortunately she’s still BM, so we still have to deal with her psychotic tendencies until GBM stops forcing her to get the skids on visitation, or she ODs. Either likely.
its good you don’t allow negative things to be said. We do the same. But frankly BM likely won’t reciprocate or appreciate that behavior. Which sucks, but is what it is.
Just understand, you only have control on what happens during your time. So deep breaths.
That’s what I have a hard
That’s what I have a hard time with too because I’d want my child’s SM to always encourage love and respect for me no matter their personal feelings towards me. I feel as a parent if I could respect nothing else I’d excpect and appreciate that. It’s so weird to me the basic things you’d think someone would appreciate in the long run they give 2 sh*ts about and are still just horrible humans because everything isn’t happening their way.