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Discipline questions

sofblue2's picture

Submitted by sofblue2 on Mon, 08/12/2013 - 12:48am

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I know I am posting a lot so please take pity on me lol I have discipline questions. Who here believes in spanking/non spanking and who has seen the shaming punsihments? I have seen a few stories of kids having to hold hands at school or holding a sign that says I am a theif or whatever. Do you agree with these as a form of punishment? I am at a loss because the normal grounding is not working and I have really no say in punsihment but I am getting to my brekaing point. The kids live with me full time and I am not sure what my role is. My BF does most of it but I ground occasionally but the older ss is just on a rampage. I am getting sick of him and just want something to work and not have me and my BF fighting. I feel when we fight he wins because he likes it for some reason. idk....................... Sad

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Mon, 08/12/2013 - 2:11am

He likes it because he sees it as a wedge between the two of you, driving you out so he gets daddy back to himself (or for Mummy)

Consequences work in my house (with bd's)

eg

If you continue to do A. then B. will happen - such as - if you continue to backchat I will take your ipod off you for one week. Then if A. continues you follow through with B.

No discussion. No arguing or debating or letting them have any power apart from over their own actions. If you start having a discussion about it - ie they say "but that's not fair" that is giving them power. Just repeat the sentence - if you continue to do....

Then they have to OWN responsibility for their behaviour and choices - when you take the ipod - you explain - I told you that if you continued to do A then I would do B. You CHOSE to continue, and now the consequence is I take B.

The consequence HAS TO BE IN THEIR CURRENCY - this is the key with all discipline. Find what matters to them and use that. Computer time, gaming time, TV, seeing friends - there is something that this boy values that you need to tap into. And ALWAYS give him the choice - you MUST tell him "if you choose to continue doing whatever...."

Good luck. Talk to your SO about it all (not at a volatile time) and make some suggestions about methods of discipline etc so that when something does happen you are both already on the same page.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 08/12/2013 - 7:53am

The only time I would inflict any kind of bodily harm on any of my children is if I see them place each other or other children in danger. My BS (who is 4) charged into BD (she's 2) and knocked her down pretty hard. I returned the favor. Naturally he cried. "Not nice when someone bigger than you knocks you down huh?" He got the message, and never did it again. With my SS the only real type of harsh discipline I had to do is when I had to make him come to heel. He is starting to test his limits with DW who (for reasons I still cannot fathom) believes in rationalizing and negotiating with children. SS sees this as a weakness and preys upon it. DW asks him to do something and he starts whining. That is when I step in, "Either you listen to your mother and do as you are told RIGHT NOW, or you deal with me.". Other than that, grounding SS doesn't really work because whatever priveledge we revoke, he just binges at his Dad's. It's actually quite a delima because SS is doing poorly in school because he has never had to suffer any real consequence.

Other things I have done; I've thrown toys in the garbage (after multiple warnings). I've sent them to their bedrooms for "time outs" (again, after multiple warnings). I've grabbed them by their shirt sleeves and I've yelled at them but I have never ever had to spank or humiliate anyone...

christinen's picture

Submitted by christinen on Mon, 08/12/2013 - 2:39pm

^^^ I have to agree with Echo on this one. I don't think it's appropriate to physically punish someone else's child. Don't get me wrong, I have a SD5 and I have wanted to spank her ass or slap her MANY, MANY times. The only time I have EVER laid a hand on her was when she was about 2 years old and we were breaking her out of her co-sleeping (with DH, not me) habit. We had put her in her room and she screamed bloody murder for HOURS. I finally went up to her room and she screamed in my face I WANT MY DADDYYYYYYYYYY and I smacked her lip (not hard, just enough to break her out of her tantrum) and what do you know, it worked. She shut up and never screamed at bedtime again. So I think it works when used occasionally on younger children just to snap them out of what they are doing. Once the kids get older, I don't think it's effective any longer. And honestly, it's really not your job. I know it's frustrating for you, but your bf has got to be responsible for parenting his kids. You will only grow to resent all of them if you make yourself responsible for this.

bellladonna's picture

Submitted by bellladonna on Mon, 08/12/2013 - 10:56am

I personally do not believe in spanking but sometimes SS6 makes me want to re-evaluate my stance on spanking.

I think it depends on the age of the kids. And different kids respond to different forms of punishment. So you have to find the thing that will affect them the most.

I discipline SS6 like I was his teacher. A teacher would not spank him. A teacher would use time out, detention, loss of privileges, or whatever. He's not my kid, but when he's in my care and he misbehaves then there are consequences.

I also reward for good behavior. If he's really good then I let him earn more privileges or get a toy that he really wants. Sometimes discipline is not just about focusing on the bad behavior but it's about focusing on the good behavior too.