dh still dependant on bm (and his mom) for info on ss17 (almost 18)
and it's driving me crazy! ss17 is in and out of trouble, always has been. dh (as well as bm and nanna) have always held his hand through it all. rarely has ss17 ever had real repercussions from getting into trouble (until a judge put him in jail for a weekend) because these adults have always protected him. but, dh does this at a price - continuous contact with bm. he'll call ss17 and if he doesn't answer his phone, dh is on the phone with him mom and his ex wondering where ss is. the fact is, ss just doesn't WANT to talk to dh and instead of accepting this, dh has to try to control the situation. true, ss doesn't do well and dh is trying desperate to get ss to at least graduate high school (but everything he does bm throws road blocks in his way so it really doesn't do any good anyway), and got ss a job over the summer that he did very well with (bm's roadblocks didn't work for the first time ever), but how long do I have to grit my teeth with this constant communication regarding their almost adult son??? hell, by the time my kids were 16 it was RARE I ever spoke to their dad. just looking for some input so I don't go rip my dh's head off. thanks.
yes. ss17 is in an
yes. ss17 is in an "alternative" school, one in which he only goes to 2 days per week and is supposed to do some portion of his studies at home (that's a joke) they called dh recently because ss's home computer (which the school sent home) was "stolen" and without it ss couldn't do his home-work. they were unable to get any help from bm, so dh had to put a deposit down on a new computer (i'm sure this one will be "stolen" soon). dh has arranged for ss to attend another day per week (arranged transportation), but ss rarely attends that extra day. while ss was working dh told him that every day he misses school, it would cost him $25 out of his check (money direct deposited into dh's account). it worked beautifully! but ss was laid off (seasonal job) and dh has no control now. the boy won't graduate, on time anyway, and i'm doubtful that he'll graduate at all. it's just so frustrating. i'm just worried dh is going to continue in this chase of ss through his mother never ending. he finally reached ss last night after calling bm and having her hand him the phone. dh has been a good father, limited disney daddy, and does as much parenting as he can (with bm never working with him). does there come a point in your life when you realize that your child simply doesn't want a relationship with you (other than to give them money)? after ss turns 18 i'm going to HAVE to draw the line at dh contacting bm all the time to get to ss. we have another ss12 and there's no way in the world i'm going to be able to live with bm still lurking in our lives for the next 20 years.
You can't win. You're trying
You can't win. You're trying to keep a father from getting information on and helping his son. Maybe its ineffective, maybe its a waste of time, and obviously it keeps him in touch with his ex far more often than you are comfortable with.
But for Dad to do anything less than 100% of what he feels he needs to do is going to leave him with either guilt or a reason to blame you. First guilt if he voluntarily doesn't give it a 100% and blame if you keep him from giving 100%.
Let go of this whole situation. Let Dad do what he feels he needs to do. Help him if you can and if you can't or won't then at least leave him alone. You've made your opinion clear now let it go. Just zip your mouth (I'm not saying you haven't already) and let the drama play itself out without any further input or interference from you.
Consider if it was your kid going bad - maybe because the kid is reacting to your divorce. Do you want someone keeping you from doing everything you can think of?