SS being told not to be my friend.

He has been told this by his BM. Since I met my BF his ex has gone through phases of "loving" me and phases of hating me. She has fallen out with friends and family if they dared to comment that she should do more with the kids or that she shouldn't have been going out drinking when it meant me having the kids as my BF works shifts. Not really an issue now as they live here full time.

But SS has mentioned to his dad a couple of times that BM says he isn't to be friends with me. His behaviour towards me hasn't changed at all though.

BM also bad mouths my BF to SD pretty much every time she has contact with the kids. SD is upset by it. BM is loud and unpredictable and will fly into rages pretty easily. And she is never ever wrong. SD says she dreads going most times as she knows stuff will be said. She doesn't want an argument with her mum and says that if she did say that she didn't like what was being said then her nanna would back BM up 100% even if she was wrong. SD is anxious and a worrier anyway.

I just don't know what to do. The way I see it either SD stands up to her mother and gets the shouting / screaming / threats etc. or keeps just staying quiet and not saying what she thinks. But staying quiet is upsetting her and the idea of a fight (with BM being backed up by nanna) really scares her.

I expect that even if SD did say something back it would be blamed on us putting ideas in her head.

Worried_Worrier's blog
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You need to ignore the whore

You need to ignore the whore and your BF needs to tell his kids that they are smart enough to know when someone is manipulating them. They need to use their common sense whenever BM is badmouthing either of you. If they have proof their dad isn't as horrible as BM says them they won't believe her. Your BF needs to be prepared to have open discussion with his children when they come saying things like: " mom says you never pay for anything" that's when he needs to pull out his child support receipts or check stubs to show them he does pay for things. It's not "throwing BM under the bus" if she's flat out lieing to them to get them to turn on both of you. As for the boy, tell your BF to ask him why does he think BM keeps insisting he not like you. Have your BF ask the kid what does he look for in a friend and do you meet those requirements. And to be honest your DH needs to tell him the truth, he doesn't have to be your friend but he has no choice but to respect you in your home whether he wants to be your friend or not.

I don't think they do believe

I don't think they do believe her deep down but they are upset by the comments (especially SD) and feel unable to speak up to her. Of course they are kids too so if they are mad at their dad then BM's comments are repeated. They know that their dad has paid above and beyond and has previously run around after BM doing jobs etc. as she is unreliable, unpredictable and volatile. Perhaps part of her issue is that she is mad that he has stopped that?!

SS hasn't acted any differently to me since BM started this latest phase of disliking me. It was expected that the kids would have to speak to someone professional before the custody court order was decided so she was really on at them with the guilt and emotional blackmail. The judge decided based on the evidence (previous convictions etc) so now the kids don't need to speak but the comments and stuff is continuing.

I think it is a good idea to have my BF speak to SS about why he thinks his mum is saying that stuff.

Before the court order the

Before the court order the kids were here between 3 and 6 nights a week and most weekend days and BM was fine with this as she loved her child free time. Now the kids being here is court ordered and BM seems to think it is the worst thing ever and has been saying that she lives for her kids and is upset that she sees them so little. But the kids being here full time impacts on her benefits and housing entitlement.

She was always happy to have me look after the kids if she wanted a night out and my BF was working. Well apart from when she got comments from her friends / family about her not having the kids enough.

I think it has been a shock to her because she was getting maintenance and all the benefits even though the kids were with us the majority of the time and BF has been really strong and has entirely stopped the "lending" of money, favours, and just dropping everything when she wanted something. She always used the kids as a threat.

The kids are so settled here apart from just before and after contact.

How old are your skids? I

How old are your skids?

I think the more they learn that the truth stays true no matter how loud someone shouts lies should help them.

Personality plays a part - a very introverted person would have no problem ignoring the nonsense because they aren't looking to connect as much as an extravert. A very extraverted person would engage in the argument, even though it's stressful, because they can't resist seeking that meeting of the minds.

Boundaries and accepting others as they are will help too.

Maybe look at strengths-based conversation-building tools, depending on ages, like the Virtues Project or Strengths Cards or Family Conversation Starters. Hopefully SD can learn to navigate this with some help and guidance.

SS is 10 and SD is 14 but

SS is 10 and SD is 14 but there has always been conflict with BM as she seems to love drama and is very volatile and unpredictable. So one day she would be saying she was the kids best friend and the next day she would be screaming at them.

SD is pretty anxious. Similar to me as she will work herself up over her worries. She has said she sometimes dreads contact as the majority of the time something is said about BF but BM is so 100% convinced that the kids agree with every word she says because they have never dared to stand up to her. She thinks SD wants to live with her but she doesn't at all and was willing to tell the court that even though she was scared what BM would do when she found out.

I guess we are struggling to advise SD what to say when her mum does say something awful that SD doesn't agree with.

SD (I think) is more able to see BM as she is but SS believes her promises that she has changed but BM does this whole life change thing pretty often.

There's no obligation to say

There's no obligation to say anything at all when someone does something awful or says something you disagree with.

But when those situations are causing your distress (as in the case of your SD), finding ways to build confidence and personal qualities will help SD choose what, if anything, she will say. It will give her back the control.

There are tons of free resources out there. Even asking open-ended questions regularly - at dinner, in the car, while braiding hair - can open the door to self-discovery. Including what to do when BM does something awful, again.

We have been working on her

We have been working on her confidence. Some of what she has said to me shocked me - saying that she doesn't think her opinions matter and that she has no control over her life and that she has to do as BM says as BM has the power.

If she doesn't speak up she will stay upset and anxious which isn't what she wants. But if she does ...... if BM is challenged (especially by SD who she believes is 100% in agreement with her views) there will be screaming, swearing, threats, guilt and possible violence. And SD says she can't rely on nanna to back her up or prevent this.

She did similar with SD because she didn't want us to do stuff together like baking and crafts. SD loves doing those things so she said she would continue.