Been a custodial SM for ten years, with the last 5+ a struggle to get SS to be honest and complete homework and class work, study for exams, etc.. The last two years were the worst. He has lied about doing hw (and often lies about many other things, things he’s stolen, didn’t do, etc) and when we see the seri in the online grade book, he continues to lie. We’ve had irrefutable proof and he still continues the lie. Current big issue and reason for this post: the last 2 years when he’s confronted, he says “everything would be fine if she didn’t instigate” or “if she’d stay out of it,” meaning me. He knows he get things over on his dad far easier then me. I can spot his dishonesty easily while his dad likes to give him benefit of doubt until proof but DH  has gotten better over the years due to the consistency of the lying. 

So last year, I began to disengage. I’ve been thinking about doing it for awhile so this was the perfect opportunity when he was actually asking for it. It was going to be interesting to see what would happen when he has left his own devices and I “left alone” as requested. As it turned out that two classes he was failing, the teacher in one gave them some simple activities to end up with a D and BM completed his last big project in the other class to avoid failing and in his eyes there is no big deal because he passed.  

He started the school year and as soon as I called him out on the first assignment that he lied about he started right back with the “if she would just let me alone everything will be fine”. So I did. He is now failing four major classes! I’ve been telling him that he is failing and he is aware of this and ask him if any of the teachers have been talking to him and he says not which neither my husband or I believed. In the past two weeks I would ask him general questions such as “are you ready for school the next day” or “is your homework done”? And he would answer “yes” which of course was not occurring in many cases. 

My husband received an email from the school saying they want a meeting about the failing classes he has. My husband responded saying that he was willing to meet but it would not be with his ex wife as while we are civil with her, his wife does not communicate with her due to past history and it is his wife that has taken the brunt of the struggles with regards to school work with this child and has lots of documentation. The school responded back that they will not set up two separate meetings because they want accurate information. I was dumbfounded. They want accurate information so they’re inviting someone who lives hours away and has absolutely no daily contact on all school days. We have avoided schoolwork going on visitations (twice a month) because in the past she has done his homework for him. 

So I am at a crossroads. Do I just send my husband with some information on paper and continue with the disengagement? I, for my own sanity, do not want to sit in the same room with someone who has continuously disparaged me to the skids (calls me names I see in texts, etc), calls my daughter a brat, and many other things that have given me reason to never talk to her. Never. Not a single word. (It’s the one thing that helps me maintain my sanity and the best decision I’ve made. She tried to make a big deal of this in a custody hearing 5 years ago and the judge thought no problem with me not communicating as I had no reason to. That was a validating day!) 

My husband is not great in these situations and usually says too much or not enough that makes him misunderstood. My background is in education so I understand the school policies, etc much clearer. BM is always making excuses for SS and babies him so my guess is that’s where the focus will go in this meeting rather than having this kid (high schooler) being responsible for his choices. This current marking period was his test to see what would happen if we “just left him alone”. Him failing four classes was supposed to be his wake up call and if it turns out that it’s going to be something where everyone feels sorry for him, then the “experiment” will fail and I think it’s that which I’m trying to avoid. 

My husband also responded to let them know that he and I would be available to meet prior to the meeting that included his ex-wife to give background information. Also in that message he reminded them that his ex-wife has never attended a parent teacher conference or open house for this child his entire educational career but that I have been to every one since kindergarten.  I think that’s a big part of my frustration is that I have carried the brunt of the work for his education and the knowledge of what is going on. Now we are being told that its the BM who has had very minimal involvement (a few emails over the last couple years) is necessary for “accurate information”. (Those last two words were what were used by the school to explain why they wouldn’t provide us with two separate meetings.)

Continue to disengage or show up for the meeting?  (School isn’t keeping me from attending but won’t do two separate meetings.) Just thinking of going gives me anxiety. This kid is not worth that but in the under hand I find it hard to not see him called on the carpet fully for his choices. (Btw, he will also be at the meeting.)