Confusing mess
Hi everyone,
I’m very happy to have found this forum. I’ve been thrown into a very messy and confusing situation and I’m hoping to get some advice.
My ex husband and I split last year for a few months, but have been working on getting back together and have been very, VERY happy.
The other night I found out a girl he had been seeing when we were broken up (he was honest about her from the beginning) is pregnant. She kept that from him for a few months and just told him about it. She’s 4 months along.
He of course is experiencing so many emotions. He’s scared, frustrated, sad, feels guilty that it’s not with me, and naturally a little bit excited to be having his first child.
We are 26 - the one who is pregnant is 42, lots of unknowns due to her age.
I told him that a baby isn’t cancer, it’s not a bad thing. I told him I’m willing and ready to take this on with him. This baby will be a piece of him, and I know I’ll love him/her too.
My ex (or whatever you want to call him) is giving me space for a few days to really think about the situation. He said I need to really consider how big of a deal this is.
Part of me is angry because I want a child with him, but then I know that just because he’s having one with her doesn’t mean we can’t have our own some day. To me it jut seems like this will be another family member.
I’m not exactly sure what sort of advice I’m looking for. I guess I’m trying to do as much research on stepparenting as I can.
I apologize for this jumbled mess, and will answer any questions I’ve left unanswered in this post.
Thank you.
Wait
are you currently married or nah?
Oh to be able to go backward.
Oh to be able to go backward...
Honestly my response would be that he was an ex for a reason. And to think about that reason...
Next you are so young and I can guarantee this will be 18+ years of a nightmare. Courts. Custody. Child support. A crazy BM. A kid who despises you just because.
Or it could not but seeing into the future is impossible.
If it were me I would move on. If it's meant to be then it will. Wait and see how it plays out. In the meantime you just might meet a guy who has zero baggage and more to offer.
You were already having
You were already having issues which caused you to break up. You will never be able to look at that child without seeing Mom and being reminded of his indicretion. Do yourself a favor and move on.
Yeah, I think this needs to
Yeah, I think this needs to be a deal breaker. How can you start a relationship over when it now includes a child from an affair that took place while you were separated?
And how, at 26 and 42, could they not prevent this pregnancy? It's not rocket science.
Do you love your MIL and FIL
Do you love your MIL and FIL just like your husband because he is a part of them? The baby will grow up to be an individual person, not really a part of your husband. They just will happen to share a tiny percentage of DNA more with each other than other people do. I know everyone says that's how you are supposed to feel about stepkids and everyone claims that if you love your partner than you automatically love their kids but...read some of the boards on here. It doesnt always or even usually happen.
Ugh, no. I'm pretty
Ugh, no love here. I'm pretty convinced that, impossibly, my SS is 99.9 BM's genetic makeup and .1 DH's.
Aw. I met my DH when I was 26
Aw. I met my DH when I was 26 and I was also naive and starry-eyed and certain that I would just love, love, love his precious three children because “they were a part of him.”
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!
If I were you, I’d take this as my chance to exit stage left. You ‘split up’ (divorced?) with your husband and he’s getting someone else pregnant 6 months later? Huh? Quick mover...
This is so true because I
This is so true because I think a lot of us felt that way in the beginning. We will love them because of they are a part of him. Time took some of us in a different direction.
I think if you're there from
I think if you're there from the start you will bypass a lot of common stepparent issues since the kids will never experience their parents separating but it will still be a tough road.
I have a cousin who was roommates with her now husband when his girlfriend at the time got pregnant. Her DH and BM broke up and he started dating my cousin. BM was very jealous and territorial of her daughter and made life difficult for my cousin to have a good relationship with the skid.
I feel like the kid would be a constant reminder for me of a bad time in our relationship and would be tough to get past. Also you haven't been back with your ex husband very long if she's only 4 months along so it's hard to say if your issues are truly worked out at this point.
If you think you can handle this and want to try take it slow.
I’m with the others, he’s an
I’m with the others, he’s an ex for a reason. Now he’s got a kid on the way with another woman (is he sure it’s actually his though??), that would be a dealbreaker for me, especially at your age.
Being a stepparent is HARD. I’ve actually got it relatively easy as a SM, and it’s still hard.
Having to share your DH with another woman sucks. Our life revolves around their custody agreement. Which means we can never just book things when it works for US, but also when it works for her.
If this BM wants to make things difficult for you, she can very easily achieve that. You have no idea what kind of a father he’ll be either. How much authority he’ll give you, or what expectations he’ll hold you to.
Will he be a Disney daddee? You have no way of knowing yet. Your money will in some way go towards this woman. Are you ok with that? Will you be ok watching an enormous chunk of his money, sometimes a proportionally unfair amount, leaving the account each month?
Like I said, even when it’s good, it’s hard. When it’s bad, it can ruin your life. Some of the stories on this site are mind boggling.
There are absolutely stories of successfully blended families out there, I’d have to say mine is likely one of them. But at 26 you’ve got such a great chance at meeting someone else without the drama & baggage of having a kid with someone else, and you two broke up already once.
I’d say see you later & go for a man who’s not having/had a child with another woman.
Great advice. OP should take
Great advice. OP should take it.
He's an ex right? You two
He's an ex right? You two broke up for a reason. It usually never works going back to an ex. Add a new born into the mix!!!! That's a recipe for disaster. You're young and have no kids. You're a catch. I would RUN if I were you. You're going to sign up for a LIFETIME of drama otherwise.