Child support notice sent by BM3
My husband has 4 kids from 3 previous relationships. 3 of them live with us full time but the youngest who is 3 years old live with his own mother, here in our state.. We just received a child support notice for the toddler in the mail.
We’re barely getting by and my husband having a knee injury has put him out of work for a while. The BM who put him on CS barely talks to him and have somewhat kept the child away from him since she found out we got married. He doesn’t bring the child over our house & just goes to see him at the BM’s house. Will child support rules that he has to keep the child at times overnight?
I don’t think I can handle it: I found out about this child by myself as he had hidden him from me in the beginning of our relationship. The child is innocent but I never ever forgave my husband for hiding him from me because he "didn’t want me to leave him because of the child’s age" or so he says.
I’m already watching the 3 others full time and lord knows I have love for them but it has been hell. I’m 19 weeks pregnant too and feel like I would leave him if I really cannot handle it.
Has anybody been in this situation before?
!!!
Child support is usually financial and based on the custody order, which is who keeps the kids overnight. That usually goes hand in hand. If he doesn't have the child sometimes, yes, his child support will be high as he's doing nothing to provide for the child. Also, for young children, costs are often higher because they need daycare. THe CS often covers things like extra curriculars and medical as well so it's clear who's paying for what.
I am sorry for your situation. Already having that many children and one on the way. What makes it worth it to stay with this man? You're about to become the fourth biological mother to one of his kids, but why does he keep having them if he can't take care of them? What is the appeal of this guy?
My family and friends has
My family and friends has tried everything to get me to leave him as they never found his situation ideal. It doesn't help that he is 16 years older than me.
They're right but the saying love makes you blind is so true in my case.
Apart from everything that has been/is going on, he treats me good and has always made sure I was good from the start, always helped me focus in my studies which is so important to me etc. I'm sure that if it wasn't for the fact that there's all these kids and babymamas (with one of them loving drama) things would be great. He takes care of all his kids, the bm here has just made it so much harder since she found out he got married. The child support truly blindsided us because apart from bringing the child over at our place, he provides for him when he is able to. Less than a year ago, BM3 came over our house saying she was looking for him but truly wanted to see who he was married to... We talked for a while and at some point in our conversation she told me herself that he was a good dad. She also went on to explain how when they were together, he would never take her out or show her off etc etc that's when I realized she was not over him and can't accept that he is married EVEN though she is about to get married soon.
Wait, so his first 2 BMs both
Wait, so his first 2 BMs both gave up their kids to him? From your bio you are 22, married for 2 years, and pregnant with your first child. And watching his 3 kids for free. He hooked you young. If he starts keeping his 4th child, i'm guessing it's you who is going to be watching him/her? Plus dealing with a newborn? This will be your whole life if you stay with him. Him, his kids, dealing with at least one of his other BMs.
Or, you could run. Put him on child support for yours and hope he doesn't have the time to want to keep it 50/50 (he will be losing his free childcare when you go.) Hell, you may even be better off trying to het him to sign away his rights, get your education via government programs, and never look back. It might be better than tying yourself to this mess for what will likely be not much money since BM3 filed first. With only one child, you could still change your life. Stuck with all his, that's all you will have time for.
So basically his 2 other bms
So basically his 2 other bms do not even live in the U.S., they are in Togo, a west African country and I'm pretty sure they will never come to the United States. Since he came to the United States, he applied for his 3 children to come here for a better life and they came in late 2019 so I became full time stepmom around 2 months after we got married without even knowing their arrival would be approved so soon by immigration.
I know for a fact my situation is not ideal. The kids arrival made both of our lives so much harder and many times I have wanted to leave but didn't because I love him and I have no complaints as much to the way he treats me. He is a good provider for his kids and I and after we got together has started to pay for my tuition. I now have a bachelors degree and starting my masters soon. No matter how good we are I can never forget the things I have put up with at the beginning of this marriage: The babymamas trying to pick on me, the "secret" child that he didn’t tell me about at the beginning of our relationship, the extreme jealousy when we first met and animosity that I went thru for weeks that he had against me because he thought I was cheating on him with my boss, the disrespect by the kids and having to start from scratch with them as they had never been educated and didn’t even know how to use the toilet at 7,8 and 9, the fact that he told his children I was only a lady here to help them when they first came here because "he was afraid I wouldnt stick around", him not telling his babymamas that he was married so they felt comfortable calling/ texting until I had to call them myself and tell them to stop etc.
Even though things got more than better with him and starting to get better with 2 out of the 3 kids (they now call me mom & are starting to become more civilized in the western world), I will NOT put up with having to watch or take care of the 4th child and I highly doubt that BM3 would let that happen.
Husband family always told me that they will make sure I have nothing to do with this other child due to how I found out. But if it does happen, I would definitely leave no questions asked. I already did not want a child as I'm so focused on my education and had honestly gotten an abortion back when we first got married. This time, I found out too late. Thank you so much for your advice as it's giving me hope that I can make it alone with a child and I will definitely make a decision soon before things take another turn.
What state are you in? Has
What state are you in? Has he run the state's CS calculator? In my state, CS is usually a pretty simple formula based on the number of children and the non-custodial parent's gross income, unless the NCP has "shared custody," which I think is something like 92 overnights, in which case the formula is a bit different. So for one child with one BM, it'd be 17% of his income. But there are special calculations for "serial families" like your husband has, so he might get to deduct his obligation to the older children from his income before the 17% is calculated. Different states handle CS differently, so knowing your state and how your state calculates CS is necessary. Also, child care can be on top of child support.
In any event, if you're barely making it now, things are about to get even tighter. Is your husband still out of work because of his knee? If so, how is he supporting the family? I hope you're able to support the child you're carrying, because that child will be last in line for support from him. You really might want to reexamine your situation and decide if this marriage is in your best interest. And God forbid if he lied even more than you realize and another kid comes out of the woodwork!
He is not familiar with a lot
He is not familiar with a lot of things so I'm always the one helping him when it comes to online things. I will look into our states' calculator and try to find out. We have money saved up for now so we're ok. If I decide to leave, I would be able to support this child but thinking about leaving hurts as I have always wanted to give my children a loving, traditional family... but I know that I'm actually pregnant I'm realizing that it's not about what I want but what the child will need to live a good life so I'm getting less and less afraid of leaving. I've explained most of what's going on in a previous comment.
Thank you so much for the advice.
I know it's not something that's good to do as you're supposed to trust your partner but thanks to records and technology, I have looked into every single aspects of his life and know things that he would never know that I know. I had to make sure to protect myself after this whole ordeal. There's no other child haha or no other things I should be concerned about
If you stay, you may end up
If you stay, you may end up getting so bitter that it gets to a boiling situation. Believe me, the fights will be frequent and filled with anger. That would not be a good situation for the children to see either. It certainly won't be lovey dovey if you realize this BM will take him for every penny she can. It will infuriate you.
You can only give your
You can only give your children a loving traditional family if your mate is contributory to that process rather than a detriment to it. SInce your mate is not contributory to a loving traditional family model, that can't happen. He has 4 kids by three different baby mamas and number 5 in the oven with you. Traditional family isn't happening for you or your baby. The most normal option is out there somewhere for you to find.... away from this failed man, failed father, and failed mate.
Take care of you and your baby.
Good luck.
Am I reading right that you
Am I reading right that you are baby mama #4? How is he blindsided that a woman he made a baby with is requesting maintenance the child? Hope your DH has a good job or two to fulfill all of his obligations and his baby on the way.
Yeah, like how babies are made, what condoms are for, why his baby mama's have the audacity to want support for their children! What a tangled mess you've gotten yourself into.
Duplicate
Duplicate
The suprise third SKid would
The suprise fourth SKid would be a deal breaker for me. He kept it from you. A true equity life partner does not do that.
Since you and he are in the US, if you choose to end it and raise your child away from the genetic train wreck this man and his multiple failed family progeny represent, you will be able to get a notable CS order for the support of your baby.
Take care of you.
Congratulations on the baby.
I still don't know how I went
I still don't know how I went on to get married after that, honestly.
This is pretty straightforward, thank you so much.
No - the court can't force a
No - the court can't force a parent to take visits, and it doesn't sound like BM wants him to have any, so she'll fight it, I'm sure.
I'd be very worried that this man does not understand birth control or honesty and might end up knocking up another woman while married to you.
In my state (NY), child
In my state (NY), child support does not care how much you see the child. It is a totally separate from what we have to pay and does not go into consideration. Yet, when I lived in California - it is allocated based on time, so it just depends on your state.
I feel for your situation. My husband pays child support for 2 children from 2 different moms (one of which is 2.5). It takes almost all of his pay, which is already low. I also have a 8 month old baby, who is disabled, with my husband, as well as a daughter who is almost 5. The BM of the 2.5 year old sent him to child support court after he married me - for spite. They had an agreement together prior. They were never married and dated a very short time. The basic support is not crippling, but the add on expenses, plus the support for the other child, take whatever is left.
People do make mistakes, so just based on the fact that he has 3 BM, and you being the 4th, doesn't necessarily make him a bad person. My husband does everything else for me besides financially and I know he wishes it was different. He doesn't spend any money on himself, does dishes, laundry, cleans, helps me with the baby, while I work two jobs to support my family. His check is bascially to support the "others". It sucks. But considering I know he is a good person and just made a mistake, I continue to stay. IT PISSES ME OFF THOUGH!!!! TO THE CORE.
Now, I have been a licensed professional for 11 years and in my industry since 2005. I have the ability to be the breadwinner. I am not sure of your work history or if you have attended college. But things might be really hard on you if you do not have the ability to bring most of the money home. Sadly, most SMs do end up supporting the family, indirectly or directly, for decades.
What I HATE in this situation is his lying. That is just so hurtful and that tends to make me feel like he is not a good person. Plus, he not only hid the child, but he also hid the fact that he was visiting the child at the BM home....THAT'S A NO FOR ME. I don't trust it and she could easily make an accusation that they are fooling around and if you don't have that trust, then it will mess with your mind. Then, you will be in a situation where not only do you have to work to support everyone, but don't even trust him to keep it in his pants.
My advice is either you figure out a way to be the breadwinner until 2040 and make him work to cover his support and provide what he can.
OR
Leave. Let him figure it out on his own. You truly don't owe him anything. Also, if you do leave, make sure to file for support right away, before someone else gets pregnant and they take the rest of his check.
Good Luck. Hope everything
Good Luck. Hope everything works out ok for you.