Am I being petty/childish?
My middle stepson (let’s call him L) who live with us full time with his 2 brothers has his birthday approaching. Last month was his older brother’s birthday and I planned a Roblox themed party for him (it was his first bday ever being celebrated). That day, L asked me how come everything was Roblox themed and I told him that’s what his brother likes and that I’ll always make surprises based on what they like. I don’t expect their dads to plan birthdays as he works a lot plus I’m closer to their age so I usually know what they like. They’re 8,9,11 and I’m 22 years old.
A few days ago, L was watching a ninja show on his iPad and being interested because his bday is coming up, I asked him if that’s what he liked. He literally shrugged me off. Less than an hour later, his dad comes back from work and he rans up to his dad like "dad look what I made today, these are the things that I like”. He had drawn on a piece of paper many things he liked including stuff like Naruto (that his dad does not know ANYTHING about) and was showing it to his dad and explaining literally right in front of me who had just asked him not even an hour ago. Completely ignoring me.
I think the reason it kind of hurt me is the fact that I met them at the same time that their father did if that makes sense:
they were born in Africa where their dad hails from and their dad migrated to the US in 2012 when the oldest boy was 2, L was 1 and the youngest wasn’t even born yet. After I met their dad in 2018 & married him in late 2019, they got approved to move permanently with us from Africa, 2 months later. The oldest grew up with his mother but L and his little brother were abandoned by their mom and went on to live with my husband’s sister until their arrival in the U.S. So since they’ve been here I’ve been their "mother" and have been with them more than husband have as he works a lot to provide.
I understand he is a child and sometimes children don’t know what they’re doing but for this exact experience, he knows. Based on what I have experienced in the near past with him (I write every instances of things he does but keep it to myself), he definitely knows. At this point, I don’t even want to worry about planning his birthday but even when I say I’m going to stop doing things for them, I end up feeling bad and doing it because due to to their living conditions in Africa, there’s a lot of things that they never experienced but this time, would I be wrong if I really don’t do anything for his birthday?
Sounds like culture shock and
Sounds like culture shock and guilt and adapting to new family all rolled into one. They are all different from each other and you can't expect them to have the same reactions. I realize you're young, 22 is young for have the experience of parenting but I wouldn't put too much into it.... yet. Now if you would have said you'd been a blended family without all this other stuff added in I might agree with backing off. I'd sit the boy down and ask him how he wants to celebrate his birthday. Hear him out without judgement or projecting your wants into him. He might surprise you, you might find out he is struggling with the changes and not up to a birthday celebration or he wants a small one, maybe he is missing Africa. You won't know until you ask him.
Yes you're definitely right,
Yes you're definitely right, all of their behaviors are definitely different. But with him, sitting down and asking him won't change anything, I promise. He can hold a full conversation with his brothers or dad but not with me. He's done things as such before and I sat him down to talk about it. It's always "I don't know" or he shrug his shoulders. The weirdest thing about it all is last year, he used to be the one closest to me out of all his brothers but that lasted about a month than he started ignoring me again. Now, he talks to me ONLY when he sees his brothers talking to or wanting to play with me. Sometimes, if the oldest or youngest come to me for anything, he will interrupt our conversation and ask his brother for help with something it's like he doesn't want none of his brothers to talk to me too if that makes sense? I once told him that I understood that I wasn't his mom but it's not fair that he wants to put his brothers against me or that he doesn't want them to talk to me. He didn't say anything and completely stopped talking to me for about 2 whole weeks after that.
Just a few weeks ago, he was feeling a little bit sick and I made him some tea etc but all day he refused to eat anything I cooked for them (the others ate with no issue) but when his dad came home from work around 10pm and asked them if they ate, he told his dad no and that he was hungry. His dad served him the food that I had cooked earlier and he ate everything. I was shocked and explained it to my husband who thankfully had a conversion with him. The birthday thing is just the icing on the cake that doesn't make me want to have anything to do with this particular child.
Even at their age, my stepsons have a different perceptions of things around them and I know it's due to their way of life before but it can be truly frustrating. As an example, we always have to dress them the same or buy the exact same things for all of them because if we don't, they talk between themselves and tell each other that we prefer one over the other. If he doesn't have a bday celebration, he will simply start thinking and telling his brothers that we just don't care about him. That's how they are.
Seems to me he wants his
Seems to me he wants his father being excited about his birthday, not his stepmother. It's really not your job to plan his birthday - nor is it your job to take care of his kids.
They barely know their dad, and he's pushing their care off onto their even lesser known stepmother. He wanted them there - let him care for them. If he asks for your help, you can decide whether you do or not - but don't take on the burden of handling everything for him.
That makes a lot of sense and
That makes a lot of sense and if had known that from the start, it could have possibly saved me from thinking I'm just not enough. I will try backing off more unless he needs my help. Thank you for the advice
Catering to ill behaved
Catering to ill behaved people, regardless of age, rarely has positive results.
A question? What happened to BM?
The oldest actually has his
The oldest actually has his own mom. She's in Africa too and call all of them every Sunday. BM2 who is the middle and youngest' mom is somewhere in the same country in Africa living her best life thru what I see on WhatsApp. She never calls unless we try to call her so she can at least speak to them and they never once asked about her in the 2 years they've been here. When L was close to me, he told me that his mom never loved him...
Thanks for the additional
Thanks for the additional information. Regardless of your youth, you cannot allow yourself to be victimized in your marriage and your home. Your age difference may, or may not, be an issue. Primarily if your DH treats you as anything less than his equity live partner. I would expect him to give his eldest immediately and extremely unpleasant clarity that his wife will be respected. To do that, DH needs the facts. So... next time you ask the eldest ill behaved failed family progeny a question and he ignores you and runs to daddy with the answers, confront him in front of daddy and ask him why he would not answer you then disrespectfully went around you to daddy. Make sure DH has clear instructions from you on eldest SS's crap and that DH will immediately adress the rude behavior with aggressive and effective consequences.
My DW is 12 years my Junior. I have never made the mistake of discounting her as my equity life partner, my equal in life, superior in many ways, and she never discounted me as an equity parent to my SS. Neither of us tolerated disrespectful crap from the Skid. Either directed at us individually or at the other of us. FYI, we married when my incredible bride was 18 and I was 30, 8mos after we met and starded dating when SS was 15mos old.
That your SKids are older and lived a very different life in Africa is irrelevant to holding them accountable for behaving respectfully toward their father and his wife. My youngest brother was born in Africa I and my wife lived their for a number of years. Respectful behavior has to be required.
Don't over think it. Be direct, be assertive, and tolerate no bullshit. Your DH may discount you if you tolerate it. Do not give him the choice, regardless of your youth and the age differernce between you. The fact is, he needs you more than you need him.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the advice as it makes a lot of sense. It's the middle one (9 years old) acting up actually not the eldest. I feel like DH started helping me too late when it comes to them as he used to never be home due to work and if he had put his foot down from the start, things wouldn't be this bad but now I understand more what I need to do. Another issue was and still is to a lesser extent the language barrier between the kids and I. My languages are french and English whereas they only speak Ewe which is a west African language that I cannot speak but understand. My husband speaks Ewe as his first language so that is why I had to always go through him and could barely confront them directly on their behaviors. They are starting to understand English more now so there's definitely going to be a change in this house and I won't allow this behavior anymore. Thank you so much
My youngest brother was born
My youngest brother was born in Africa. My wife and I lived there for years. Though not in Central East Africa.
Regardless of a common language, respect can be shown and should be demanded ... by the adults in the situation.
We were raised in a different country than our own. We were expected to be respectful of adults from any number or different countries many who we did not share a common language with.
Do not let the lack of a common language be an excuse for your middle Skid being rude to you, or disrespectful in any way. Instruct your DH on how he will parent and how he will discipline. Since he is the one who shares a language with his children and a different one with you.
I am the SParent in my marriage, I would not tolerate disrespectful behavior from my SS and neither would my wife.
You are completely entitled to feel the way you do
I think that it's natural to feel a little disappointed.
But oh my word you doing an amazing job. More than Ibthink anyone would expect. I don't really have any advice it's above my pay grade lol.
I'm just here to send love and support. Also as a stepparent you have to be selfish sometimes. it's for your own wellbeing .