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Can't believe I'm gonna say this....I think I miss ex-dh.

cenvue's picture

Submitted by cenvue on Sat, 11/16/2019 - 3:58am

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We've been divorced for 10 years. I've since remarried and been with  DH for 5. Things have not been good between DH and I for months. If I'm going be honest, I think our marriage is slowly coming to an end. Unless MAJOR changes are made, we'll most likely be finished in the upcoming months. 

I have BS15 with my ex and BS3 with DH. Ex-dh isn't like the typical ex's that we complain about. We've been able to coparent without crossing any boundaries. He's very active in our BS life. BS loves his father as he should.

We started having martial problems with BS was 5. He would put more time into his business than with me. There would be times, we're we would only be able to greet each other in the morning and at night. That's how little we saw of each other. This went on for years. Slowly we were drifting apart. We gave each other the  silent treatment, I completely ignored him, whenever tried to be intimate I pushed him away. It got to the point where we didnt know how to fit together anymore.  We went to marriage counselling, and we both felt so disconnected from each other. I felt I was being unheard and he felt that he was always walking on eggshells around me because I had a problem with everything he did. There's  much more but that should paint the picture somewhat. I'm not innocent. I played my part. 

We also had our great moments too. The thing I miss the most was his embrace.. I've never felt so safe.  I dreamt  I was hugging him and woke up and realized he wasn't there. I saw DH's back and I had to close my eyes because I was wishing my dream was real. I was just hugging my blanket imagining it was my ex. That's how empty I feel. 

 I'm married and have another child with my current DH and here I am missing my ex-husband. I feel as though I've failed as a wife

 

 

 

 

MissTexas's picture

Submitted by MissTexas on Sat, 11/16/2019 - 6:51am

to what was "comfortable and predictable." If your ex was pretty much the same day in and day out, you were assured of the routine sameness.

I've hit a rough patch too. It's been going on for almost 18 months. It's easy to put your mind back in time to another era. We were younger, life was less complicated, and though the person is the same person,the memories are the same,  I assure you if you were to go back to your ex the events and scnearios would be changed. For example,NOW you both would be dealing with the fact you've both moved on and had relationships with others. There may be a fear of those people resurfacing, or that the feelings were not resolved and that person may secrety fantasize you are them during sex etc. My point is, the entire dynamic would have changed. You divorced him for a reason(s) and they must have been serious enough to follow through, sign papers and move on.

My ex and I divorced amicably and were very good with sharing the kids. He was a micromanager on EVERYTHING, but that was because it's what he did all day at his job. On the whole, he is a good man. Very patient, loving and like your ex, the embrace was always just at the right time. Truth be known we had peaks and valleys,(nothing even CLOSE TO THE VALLEYS I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN THIS MARRIAGE)  as all marriages do, but that one time I just wasn't willing to climb the hill to get back on the peak. I'm sure it could've been done though.

Your thoughts are normal. I think we've all "been there" especially when times get difficult and are not optimum. I hope things work out for the best for you.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Sat, 11/16/2019 - 8:04am

And your mind went to something that made you feel secure. Its normal. Like being old enough to have an AARP card but still wanting your mommy when you're sick.

There are things my ex does better than DH. DH is terrible at discipline and there's an excuse as to why he can't handle something or why it was okay a kid was behaving badly. With the ex, not that way. One of the times he came to pick up DS, DS said something to me in a snide voice and the ex jumped on him right away telling him to respect his mother.

 
So I miss some things about XH but I remember clearly why we got divorced. (In my dreams there are old jobs, houses, coworkers, and friends that show up, too, depending on the storyline of the dream and how I'm feeling about my life.)

readingandlearning's picture

Submitted by readingandlearning on Sat, 11/16/2019 - 2:40pm

It sounds like you may have remarried too soon. After a divorce it's best to be single for awhile and reflect where we may have gone wrong. It is also good to spend time getting to know ourselves, work on ourselves and do thing for ourselves. Dating casually is also not a bad thing during this time period. However many people hop right into another relationship to avoid the loneliness and pain of the divorce. Doing this only causes another relationship to fail because you haven't really fixed the problem or worked on ourselves. Maybe you were meant to be with DH yet neither of you spent the time fixing yourselves and working thru problems. Both of you needed to grow first before being together again. I think jumping into another relationship right away after another just ended almost always turns out to be a huge mistake in the long run. You are just replacing your partner to avoid pain when what you really wanted was him with the problems sorted out.