Can’t stand when SD is around
I feel guilty for posting this. I have a good life, moved into my SOs house, that SD grew up in. She's 14. My SO and I have been living together 4 years. She's good kid, can be pleasant to be around and has accepted me from the get go. So I'm lucky for that. I think this is why I feel like such a jerk for having these feelings. But I hate when she's around. Not because I hate her. She's lazy, leaves dishes and trash out, when she's not at school she lays around in the common area glued to the tv and her phone. And when she needs a ride, it's "right now".
ive talked to my soon to be husband about this and he says i should just let it go. The problem I have is I feel like this kid calls all the shots. He let's her have boys over (without her mom knowing) and I think it's wrong. He will "warn her" when her mom is going to drop by or asking about what the kid is up to when she has a guy over. I just feel like it sends the wrong message to his daughter, like she doesn't need to respect her mother. That really concerns me. I don't have kids of my own so I don't know the first thing about parenting, but he literally lets her do whatever she wants. And doesn't make her do a thing around the house. He lets her lay around, make messes and just be lazy and have friends over and disrupt the house whenever she wants. I guess it bugs me cause I live there too. It's just hard cause I moved into their house, and I've never really felt like it's my home, rather it's their house, and I just live in it. I've become so resentful that when she's around, i try my best to avoid going to lunch with them or being in a situation where I have to be around them for an extended period of time. My other half can sense my disdain, and it has caused tension in our relationship. I don't know what to do, he will never stop trying to be Disney dad. I know he feels guilty about the divorce. It's just ridiculous how he tries to hard to be her best friend and not a parent. I lock myself in the bedroom when she's here. Like I said, i don't hate her. Just the situation. I don't know what to do.
That's your inner voice
That's your inner voice telling you what's right, even though you may not want to hear it. It's your fiancee that's the issue here, not SD. She's just a feral kid doing what she can get away with. He's a piss poor parent and even my DH has more parenting skills based on what I've read.
I'm guessing SD will be knocked up in a couple years and you'll probably get stuck babysitting junior for her while daddykins pays for her to fail trade school.
Please don't marry this guy.
Please don't marry this guy. It's not guilt that makes him a poor parent, it's selfishness - he wants to be the kid's pal, probably so she will like him better than BM. But he's giving her nothing in the way of independent living skills and putting her in a position to end up pregnant at 14.
Of course you have the right to be annoyed with what goes on in your own home (yes, it's yours, too, if you live there). Time to decide if you can live like this long-term.
You should really reconsider
You should really reconsider being with a man that doesn't know how to parent his child and acts like a Disney dad. Also, I personally don't recommend moving into someone's home, especially if that's where he raised his kid/kids and lived with the X. Most tend to feel like you have no say in the home since "its not yours" and not a dynamic I'd be confortable with. Either you get your own place with him, live separately, or end the relationship.
If he's not willing to make changes to discipline his child and give consequences for behavior I'm afraid you're in for a rude awakening. She does call the shots in the house and he will continue to allow it. How can you be with a man that allows his daughter to have boys in the house and give a heads up if her mom is on the way is beyond me? This is shitty all around and he's already set the tone that she can do what she wants. He's not acting like her father but like a friend and this is very alarming. Really consider if this is what you want in your life and act accordingly.
That IS very disturbing,
That IS very disturbing, sabotaging Mom's attempts to protect her daughter so he can stay best buds with his precious. That's as selfish as it gets right there.
It's the same kind of stuff
It's the same kind of stuff that all of the alienating BMs on this board do to make sure the kids like them best.
It took years for my, now
It took years for my, now husband, to stop being a Disney dad. All he felt was guilt for not being a full-time parent and wanted to spoil my SD11 every chance he got. I was the maid and they got to have all the fun. What has helped me was laying out my boundaries and the reasons for them in a way my SO could understand, and then sticking to them. If my SD makes a mess, I don't clean it anymore. I ask SD to do it herself, if that doesn't work then my SO comes in and lays down the law. Your SO has to be on your team. Parents need to lead by example, is he showing her the qualities of what she should look for in her future partner? If he chooses to respect his wife and have rules/chores/responsabilities for the child then you may not feel so overwhelmed and your SD will in turn respect you and your house. Your SO has got to see that being a Disney dad does more harm than good.
I've lived through this same
I've lived through this same thing....Its very hard because it IS your house too and SD should not be elevated to wife status. I still struggle, as shown by my recents posts, and SD is 24 now and doesn't live with us anymore (but we married when she was 6). One thing I've made clear to my husband is that there can't be three of us in this marriage. I have told him over and over that there are two parents and SD is the kid, no matter the age. I don't think the situation (Disney dad, etc) is that abnormal. It often comes with the territory, unfortunately. Do your best to set clear boundaries, and disengage as much as possible (the concept of disengaging has been a total ephiphany for me these last few days since reading posts here).
As you've ascertained, the problem isn't really so much with the kid as with our DH's for allowing and encouraging the behavior. But I disagree with others telling you dogmatically to not marry SO. Its not that simple, or black and white. And the SD would probably be crushed if you broke up, as she has an attachment to you after all this time (whether she shows it nicely or not). No SO or spouse is perfect. You have to weigh the pros and cons and whether you want to break up your future family. Last, I think some of the behaviors of SD are developmental. Teens suck, whether bio or step. They lay around, make messes, and are PITA's a lot. I have disdain for my BD who's a teen when she has these behaviors. So I think you do need to let go of some of it. Its awfully hard, though, when you don't have your own kids. My SD's behaviors got on my nerves MUCH more before I had BD, and I was much more judgemental of kid's behaviors. I was the best parent I knew until I actually became a parent, ha.
In 4 years your SD will hopefully go to college. I remember the worst time I had with my SD and DH was ages 14-18. Ugh. Once she left for college things improved greatly. Then BD turned 14 and some of the same crap started up again with teenage behaviors. So it goes....