Struggling with Sd living here full time.
My SO and I have been living together four years. He has had joint custody with his EX and it has been 50/50 since the beginning. She will be 15 this month. About 6 months ago, (after a 6 month period of living with her mom full time) she has decided to live with us full time. She's a great kid and her and I have always gotten along. The problem is the way my SO acts when she is around. I want them to have a close relationship and encourage them to do things together, but since SD has moved in full time, things have just gotten ridiculous. He is trying to get his child support reduced by making her want to be with us full time, by making the house like Disneyland. He serves her dinner, picks her plate up when she's done (because o refuse to wait on her) and refuses to ask her to pick up after herself. I have asked her nicely before to please put her dishes away and he robbed my head off. So now I just pick up after her ( I can't stand the house being a mess). She's not that bad, but I see no reason why I should pick up after. A 15 year old. I don't work ( I hep him a little with his business and take care of the cooking, cleaning, etc) I'm not lazy, and I try to keep the fridge stocked at all times with their favorite things and make the house as clean and comfortable as possible. I even pick her up from school. I do t mind a bit, but the problem is this girl rules the roost and has developed a mini wife complex. It's not her fault, I blame her dad. It's gotten worse since she came to live with th us full time. At night, they both lay on the couch together, opposite sides, but still, they take up the whole couch and if I'm sitting with him and she enters the room he makes us move so we can make room for her. I would normally be ok with it but it's like he has to stand at attention as soon as she walks in the room. He refuses to spend any alone time with me because he's trying to concentrate on his daughter. We used to go for morning drives for coffee so we could have alone time but as soon as she text him she's up he rushes home. And now she changed her sleepingnbschedule so they could get coffee together. They go for morning drives to the beach, and leave me alone at the house ( we only have one car). Am I just being an evil jealous stepmom? I'm trying to adjust my attitude but it's hard because he is so consumed with her to a point where I think it's unhealthy. I feel like we have a 3 person love triangle and I am the third wheel. Like I said, I encourage them to have a healthy relationship but it's all the time. He babies her and she's 15! He told me she was jealous of our relationship and I get that, so he tries to overcompensate with her. If he spends any alone time with me (which is virtually never) he feels guilty and totally kisses her ass. What she wants, goes. No matter what. It's to the point now that I don't want to be around them at all, and i feel so guilty. But I hate constantly playing second fiddle to a kid. They act like husband and wife. It's weird. I've tried talking with him and he always finds a way to blame me, telling me how great my life is cause i don't have to work and pays my health insurance ( I make a little of my own money and use it for what I need). I'm just so unhappy. I'm tired of feeling so left out and not being a priority anymore. Am I being childish? I'm trying to keep it in perspective but I can't help how I feel. I'm tired of feeling so miserable.
No, your SO isn't being a
No, your SO isn't being a parent. He's not teaching her responsibility. But that's not on you though. Disengage. Stop cleaning up after her. SO can clean up since he doesn't want 15 yo to.
My DH used to ask me, did you get SD10 to brush her teeth is she cleaning her room? My response. Nope! Not going to ask her to do anything becaus BOTh of you bite my head off about it. Now DH gets to deal with her major attitude and helplessness instead of me
I agree, get a job - it gives
I agree, get a job - it gives you more independence and leverage in the home.
And I really don't get these men who are so determined not to pay child support that they'll ruin their own child to accomplish it. Is he trying to stick it to BM, or just cheap, or what?
100% agree with working. When
100% agree with working. When you are financially independent, the ball is in your court. Then you don't need him. He will see this and you will have the freedom to do whatever you please regarding staying in or leaving the relationship.
You know once BM figures out he trying to stop CS
SD will be back with BM. She will not let her income be cut. How will she support her BF with out CS
Obviously your life isn't
Obviously your life isn't great and he's gaslighting you by making you think you're the crazy one. You are not.
I couldn't live like this. If you've tried to talk with him, and he refuses to see the problem and refuses to make any changes so that you're happier, you don't have a healthy relationship. HIS emotional needs are met, and his physical needs are met, but by different people. His behavior shows you that he doesn't care if you are happy or not.
Get a job, gain some independence. Tell him that you're unhappy the way things are. It might be enough to open his eyes, and it might not. But you have to take care of yourself because nobody else will. Certainly your SO is not.
What the heck is wrong with
What the heck is wrong with your DH? He's going to do so much damage to his daughter.
You need to find employment so your options are open. This situation is untenable.
Mini-wife syndrome
So - you have obviously determined the issues, and are knowledgable about mini-wife dynamics. You asked for perspective.
Get out of this relationship - its making you miserable. Get your financial ducks in a row, and line up a place to live. Your current job sucks - chef, maid, sex toy, driver - so get a new job. Do not marry this dude, he is unavailable to you and gaslighting you on a regular basis. I know guys who have no intention of marrying their woman, but give them diamond rings and cars and materially support them, but these women are NOT happy. Materially you might have a great life, but truly, I understand completely why you are miserable.
You are NOT the crazy one, you are NOT being childish.
So - theres my perspective!
No. That is all. Just no.
No.
That is all.
Just no.
I agree get a job so you have
I agree get a job so you have a focus and your own independence. Get your own vehicle and start doing things for yourself. Go out, have a good time with your friends. You are making life way too easy for SO. Yes he is taking you for granted but your relationship has become complacent. His focus is on fighting for the woman in his life that might get away. He wants his daughter full time. He doesn't have to fight to keep your interest, your always there at his beck and call. How would SO react if one night you got dolled up, and told him not to wait up for you, you were going out with your girlfriends? While he sat home watching movies with SD.
Thanks for all of the responses.
Thank you all for taking the time to leave a comment on my thread. I am starting school again in a couple of weeks and will focus on that through the summer. I have nothing better to do while we are all quarantined together. I've decided to focus on me instead worrying about being on the emotional back burner and picking up after a messy kid. It's not going to be my problem anymore that he is to lazy to parent.
No. You're not wrong in any
No. You're not wrong in any of this! Your situation sounds so much like mine except I have TWO of those and they aren't living with us but are coming to visit for the summer and my DH wants them to stay. Well you know what? After 11 years of what you're going through now I told him HELL NO! He moved out this last week. He can have his daughter wives to himself full time. I'm never taking a seat on the back burner or feeling like the 4th wheel in my home anymore. I've been SOOO good to those kids and the pay no mind. Look up my original thread and you'll see how bad it gets. GET OUT!
Thanks for the responses.
I am taking 3 college courses this summer online and it is keeping me really busy. I lost my shit this morning. When SO and his surrogate wife came back for coffee this morning, I was upstairs in the loft trying to study for an exam. SD starts playing her ukelele. It's unbelievably distracting. In the grand scheme of things I know it wasn't that big of a deal, but stuff just builds up. I went to SO's office and told him I was going to study at Starbucks or something, because the noise is too distracting and it's just inconsiderate. He told me I needed help. He also said I should just go to the library to study and stop complaining. The problem is, all I want is SD to be a little less messy and noisy. Ugh.
What an F-in DickHead your SO
What an F-in DickHead your SO is. Your studies trump all else in the house. PERIOD. DOT!
You need to immediately call a lock smith, rekey the locks, and put this dickhead and his spawn on the curb.
Do yourself a huge favor and do it NOW!
It’s like you wrote that for me...
It's like you wrote your post about my situation with DH and SD18...it's soooo infuriating. And the person above who said your SO is gaslighting you for saying you're the crazy one is absolutely right. F-ing gaslighters...mine is one too and it messes us up! I am with you sister, I am sorry about your situation. Get your ducks in a row and make a plan. That's what I'm doing.
You would think it gets
You would think it gets easier the older they get but it's worse.