Birth mum hypocrisy
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So BD left BM over 2 years ago. Has been an active loving dad to both BC for all this time. We have them every other weekend. We go out and do so many things. BM isn't happy with this and is constantly trying to get one up on as as the better parent. This weekend though. She out did herself. My SD is 7 and she took her to Claire's Accesories today and had her ears pierced. How did BD find out about it. On Facebook! He is fuming. But according to BM she doesn't have to ask his permission as he walked out and that he should just grow up.
This from a woman who's permission we have to ask to do ANYTHING with regards to the kids when we have them. Do you think she should have asked BD permission first?
What Does the Custody Order say
Does BM have decision making authority in this area?
ETA reading your bio it seems he has limited interactions with his kids.
They have equal as anything
They have equal as anything we decide to do with or around them when we have them has to be run by her first. When it comes to medical things or altering her daughters body. Surely as a legal guardian of hers he should have been informed or asked first?
He does have them 2 weekends a month and share school holidays.
In reading
Your responses to others your SO is not empowered nor equal in this type of decision making.
Unless the CO specifically
Unless the CO specifically addresses ear piercings, there isn't much that he can do. He can be mad, though I think part of his anger at BM is self-imposed. He DOESN'T have to tell her what he's doing with the kids unless he is COed to. He DOESN'T have to get her permission unless he is COed to. By placating her, all he does is play her game. He just needs to do what he wants to do and let her flip her sh*t (and block any abuse she throws his way). This cycle continues as long as he allows it to continue.
Now, whether BM should or shouldn't have pierced her ears is debatable. Did SD want it done? Had BM asked would he have said yes? Would he have taken SD to get her ears pierced? Piercings aren't always permanent, and so long as SD consented, I personally don't see the big issue with the piercing itself.
Really, what this SHOULD show your SO is that he can make decisions for his kids without letting BM know. He should screenshot the FB post and keep itas documentation should BM ever decide to bring it up in court, but he should move forward with parallel parenting OR go back to court to outline in the CO what he does and doesn't want to fall under "one parent permission".
There is no CO between them.
There is no CO between them. There is a mutual agreement that he has the every other weekend and half the holidays.
he has said to BM he is more than ok with the ear piercing. I think he just feels disrespected by not being considered. And that should it have been the other way around. All hell would have broken loose.
So what if all hell breaks
So what if all hell breaks loose? What is she going to do?
Withhold the kids? He gets a CO to enforce visitation.
Tell lies about him to the kids? He corrects them with the truth and proof.
Yell and scream at him? He blocks her, gets a protective order, and picks up his kids at a police station.
Unless or until a court of law tells him he needs to behave differently, he has the same rights and responsibilities as BM. He needs to learn how to parallel parent, and if he feels insecure in his role and with his rights, he needs to take it up with the courts.
She would do all of the above
She would do all of the above as she threatens all the time. He pays £300 over every 4 weeks to her. The other week because it wasn't in there at 7am she went nuts! There are 24 hours in a day to pay money.
ive asked him so many times to stand up to her and put her on her place on so many things. She acts like a brat because he walked out on her. But he didn't walk out on the kids!
Then this continues for the
Then this continues for the next however many years, possibly forever.
While your BF takes his
While your BF takes his visitation... he is the NCP.. and having the kids only a few days a month (every other weekend).. probably means his CO gives his EX a bit more weight in making what might be considered day to day decisions about the kids. Absent anything in black and white writing.. I'm fairly certain that the parent that has primary custody feels they have the right to make decisions in this kind of situation.
And.. if ear piercing is something he vehemently opposes.. then he can certainly have the earrings removed when she comes for visitation.. but if it is just that he didn't get the opportunity to weigh in on getting them? at this point, maybe it would be better to have a conversation with her about what he expects to have input on when it comes to the kids.
There isn't any CO. The only
There isn't any CO. The only reason she has more time with them is due to locations and schooling. Everything they chose with regards to the kids has been mutually agreed on up until now. She just keeps telling him to grow up and that he doesn't get to tell her what to do. He isn't. Unless it involves the kids. Which I think is reasonable.
He has said to her that morally it would be nice of her to have included him in this decision as we are TOLD to afford her the same respect.
Buckle up
It'll probably get worse. We are in same position as you, mutual agreement and UK. Even court orders here wouldn't be that specific like they are in the US hey.
Bm here does stuff like this all the time, holidays doesn't bother informing dh what country ss is going to, let alone location.
Most recently she applied for and got him into a completely different high school from his catchment without even consulting dh. This is despite him growing up with his cousin dhs nephew in same class, and having anxiety and development issues that would have been far better suited to going to high school with what he knows
You could try mediation, Bm will get a slap on wrist but it's not legally binding and they usually go right back on every agreement they made, coz they can
He needs to get a CO. NOW!
He needs to get a CO. NOW! The CO is the foundational tool for managing the failed family adult relationships, the failed family parenting , and for managing the blended family adventure.
No CO, no consistency, no control.
We simply can’t afford
We would love to go down the legal route and get a cour order visitation and rights done legally. We simply can't affford a scolitor. Especially as she is living in the marital home and we have to rent at double the ££ and his equity in the house not yet released.
Is pro-se an option?
Can your BF represent himself?
Possibly. I'll be honest. I
Possibly. I'll be honest. I have no idea how it all works lol
Then how do you know he can't
Then how do you know he can't afford it?
I don't mean that to sound as snarky as it does, but if he hasn't explored the options to get a CO, then he's basing his actions on assumptions versus reality.
In the US, you can represent yourself in family court. With a signed mutual agreement and an established routine, it would likely be easy to get a CO with the same language. There are tons of online forums, websites, and legal guides your SO can look at to figure out if he can file for himself and what he needs to do and consider.
Also, why does he not have the equity yet? Has she refused to sell the home? Are they not divorced? That's a lot of money that he needs to get, and it might be more important to focus on that.
I just don't get this. I
I just don't get this. I think that a mother can get her 7 year old daughter's ears pierced if she wants to (or the father, for that matter). I would hardly call this, "outdoing herself". She didn't agree to donate the girl's kidney or amputate her arm (and he found out on Facebook).
I kind of get how it makes him feel disrespected, but this is what happens when couples split up, decisions are going to be made without the other parent's input. A lot of them, minor decisions, that a parent, quite frankly, has the right to make. He can't take it personally. Even when there is joint legal custody, not every.little.thing has to be run by the other parent (that doesn't even happen in intact families). That just gets to be too much, especially in high conflict situations (which it sounds like BM is high conflict). Look into parallel parenting.
No CO, who is considered the custodial parent? Were they ever married? There is usually a CO in the case of divorce. Not sure about these things in the U.K.
Had he wanted to get her ears pierced, in my opinion, that would have been okay, too, just for the record. BM may not see it that way, but he is the girl's father (and he should stand up for his rights).
I get the hypocrisy, but if your BF goes along with BM's rule of asking HER permission for minor things (and that's just HER rule), that is on him. If he's not willing to stand up to her, then he's going to get disrespected.
I agree.
Hair styles, basic ear piercing, etc.... mom can do what she wishes on her time, dad can do what he wishes on his time.