Anyones stepchild making them want to leave their relationship?
So I've been with my boyfriend now for over a year and a half, we hit it off straight away both have the same interests and he turned his life around to be with me. He suffers from depression and anxiety but he always reminds me of how much ive helped him and he helped me after my 12 year relationship ended with a complete narcissist who made my mental health spiral out of control.
Everything was great until I met his 5 year old son. He's hyper, jumps all over my furniture, pretends to wretch everytime we cook him food, his attitude stinks, he's ungrateful for everything we buy him (he threw a tantrum the other day because his dad brought him a green coat and he wanted blue), I get embarassed when my family come to visit as he has to be center of attention and starts acting stupid, he's loud etc...
I planned on taking him and my partner to a charity event in June in memory of my late mom who died of cancer he got really excited and he asked whether the party was for him I said "no it's to raise money for sick people" he then went to the bathroom and tried to make himself vomit he said "look I'm sick" I said "no you're very healthy and lucky" he then proceeded to say that he's not going cus they're not raising money for him! When his dad returned he was in floods of tears and my partner started to comfort him his son then said he wants to be homeless, he wants to die and he's sick! Obviously I then looked like the bad guy as I said he only has to tell me once that he doesn't want to go. He's not going.
Me and my partner only argue over his sons behaviour I've tried to encourage him to get evaluated by a doctor to make sure everything is OK mentally bit no "he's a typical kid". Id be heartbroken if my relationship has to end but I dont know how much more I can take of this child.
Has it occurred to you that
Has it occurred to you that the problem isn't the kid but his father's lack of parenting of him? When is he going to step up and actually punish the brat for his behaviour? He's supposed to be teaching his son to be a decent human being but what I'm reading here is that anything goes ...
To start with, stop letting him jump on your furniture - it's your home, he doesn't get to wreck it. Secondly, do not take him anywhere until there's a distinct improvement in his attitude and keep him away from your family - why should they have to put up with him and why should you have to deal with the embarrassment?
What does your bf do when the kid retches over home-cooked food? When he cops an attitude? Where is his mother in all this? What is she like? How much visitation does your bf have?
Hi, my other half does
Hi, my other half does discipline his son to a fashion but then feels guilty and all is forgotten about as his son makes it clear that is dad is making him very sad. The problem is the mom she's constantly dropping him off at her mom's on the days she's supposed to have him while she's out partying, she seems to to think just scolding her child helps but no it's back to square one a few hours later when he's misbehaving again. Her and my partner have 50/50 custody so we have him 3 days per week.
I've told him countless of times not to jump on furniture but he doesn't listen. I've told my partner that I will no longer be including his child in family functions until the child can behave but he's not happy with that has he says his child is left out of things all the time. Not my problem.
It is not just the mother's
It is not just the mother's fault. he behaves badly when he is with his father. Your partner is not an effective parent. If these behaviors persist they should have the child evaluated to make sure he doesn't have some issues that make proper behavior more difficult.. and get help to learn to adjust. (not necessarily meds.. but better parenting).
You are 1.5 years in. Your BF's child is minimum 13 YEARS away from being out of the home.. which is doubtful the way his dad parents. You can get out now..
Sounds like it's more of his
Sounds like it's more of his personality. I don't know how much the parents can do at this point. It can definitely get unbearable overtime if it's bothering you now. You will have to find a common ground and decide how much of it you can handle.
So, in other words, he's not
So, in other words, he's not disciplining at all because he is not being consistent. Taking a privilege away (for instance) only works if you see it through to the end of the punishment announced, not stop because the kid is "sad". Please tell your bf that he's raising a kid who is going to be totally intolerable as he grows up because he will sulk or cry every time things don't go his way. He would rather be his son's friend than his parent? Not a good idea.
The mother is at least leaving him with someone who can maybe sort him out (her mother) because she has experience raising kids.
How about, next time he jumps on your furniture, tell his father that either he disciplines his son effectively or you will deal with it your way and he won't like it. There's no reason for your furniture to be destroyed just because he isn't capable of raising his son right.
I can understand why you're thinking of leaving this relationship. Just imagine what this brat will be like when he's a teenager if his father doesn't step up soon - doesn't bear thinking about.
Yeh I agree. The child is
Yeh I agree. The child is into skateboarding so his dad brought him a skateboard last week. My problem with that is he misbehaved the week before so don't buy him things! What did he moan about next? The skatepark his dad promised to take him to was not good enough it was too small and it was outside not inside. He had a tantrum over that all weekend but tbf my partner didn't take him for that reason. I feel though when I have to step in the kid starts to resent me but in the past when I had to look after him alone one day while my partner was called into work last minute he was quite well behaved and that's because I do follow through with discipline. My home my rules.
Looking after him alone stopped as those are my only days off for me time (I don't have kids but helped my sister raise hers and Id have those two all week without a problem) I work fulltime Monday to Friday and work until 8pm I do t want to be dealing with a brat on my days off.
I'd have taken the skateboard
I'd have taken the skateboard away and he wouldn't have seen it again for a long, long time (if ever). What an appalling attitude!
Glad to hear you're not babysitting him. He isn't your child, he shouldn't be your problem.
Yes! I threatened to take it
Yes! I threatened to take it away the other day and he calmed down. I said to my partner that is what you need to do but it falls on deaf ears.
he says his child is left out
I wonder why that is. Could it be that the child's behavior is causing people not to invite him? A furniture jumping child is not likely to be invited more than once for a play date.
If Dad doesn't wake up, you have to think carefully. The child is five. There's a long slog ahead and this behavior will only get worse as the child ages. You have him three days a week now, but what if it ends up full time? Do you eventually want kids of your own? Do you want to bring a baby into the house with behavior like this?
Yes, it is because of his
Yes, it is because of his behaviour. He was once banned from my sisters home as he thew a tantrum to having to leave a play date with my niece and nephew, he slammed my sisters porch door so hard it cracked the glass. My partner had a word with the boys mother over it her reply ..."but he's only a child!" No apology.
I've just txt my partner in regards to the charity event we were both invited to saying that I've purchased one ticket as I'm sticking by my word that his son is no longer going due to his reaction to it last week and I'll go with my family as its not fair that I have to be the one left embarassed by his sons behavior and hopefully if his behaviour improves I will then be able to bond with him and take him on trips and to family functions.
I'm sorry.. why did he talk
I'm sorry.. why did he talk with his EX about the slammed door incident? (unless it was just a FYI he had a behavior issue communication). Did he expect her to handle it.. was he blaming her? Wasn't he present.. or present shortly after that? I hope he offered to repair the glass for your sister!
He really needs to parallel parent with his child.. he parents him and deals with issues that happen on his watch. I'm not saying he has to hold over super long punishments for the kid because he IS 5 and should be learning how to behave and control his impulses (no.. he will not naturally just be "good" he needs your BF to parent him). But, he can remind his child about past behaviors.. He can do pre job briefings with his child to go over expectations for visits and excursions.. he can also be absolutely prepared to pull the cord on whatever is going on if the boy is not able to manage his own behaviors. More than once my mom would pull my brother and I from the table at a restaurant to go sit in the car to "think about what they expected of us in public". We traveled a lot due to my dad's military career.. so eating out wasn't optional.. so we learned to behave appropriately.. but on the rare occasions we didn't.. our parents didn't let us make the whole place miserable.. and for the most part people praised us for being very well behaved kids.
So your BF needs to set boundaries.. expectations and help his child learn to behave appropriately. No it won't happen over night.. but the kid has already learned that he can throw a fit.. and whine and cry and get out of things with your BF (this is NOT his mom's fault).. so the behaviors escalate and persist.
Why would his mother
Why would his mother apologize for something that happened on HIS watch?
He did scold the child for
He did scold the child for doing it and so did I (that was the very first time I had to step in actually) and was sent to his room for the rest of the night. Him and his ex discuss their child's behaviour but nothing is ever done about it. I don't expect the mother to apologise but I was response was basically "oh well" and not one of them offered to pay or apologise I actually apologised on their behalf.
I've told my partner today its obvious that what he's doing isn't working so he needs to step up his game with his son and it starts by him not going to my family outings until his behaviour improves and something is done about it, I've also told him that this is what is going to end our relationship.
Wow. They both think that
Wow. They both think that this falls under the "things that just happen" heading and that nothing can be done about it. Just wow. And the not apologizing nor offering to pay for their child's damage. I'm afraid that kind of behaviour is just beyond me. If either of mine had done anything like that I would have been mortified, falling over myslf to apologize, and offering to pay for the damage. And heaven help the kid once I got her home ...
This kind of stuff must drive you crazy.
I was mortified and I'm now
I was mortified and I'm now always riddled with anxiety everytime my sister invites his son down to play! Even my sister said that the child does not listen to any instructions given to him but after all this with the broken door etc she still invites him down to play. I'm sick of trying to my boyfriend this behavior isn't normal and it comes to something when a woman without children of her own has to tell parents how to discipline their children.
"she still invites him down
"she still invites him down to play"
Your sister is training for sainthood ... or martyrdom
You need to think twice about
You need to think twice about a man raising a child with no rules, a man not willing to accept responsibility for things broken, not willing to put in the work. I'd be finding a better man & telling sister to sue him for the damage.
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
To answer your post question, yes, I have wanted to and am currently in the process of leaving my DH d/t his son. Your BF sounds like my husband. When my husband disciplines his son (which is maybe once a year or so), he always feels guilty after and kisses his son's a## afterward. He is obsessed with being his son's friend and this has been the case since I entered the picture when his son was 12. The end result? His son is 21 and a huge failure to launch: doesn't work, has no plans to move out or go to college, won't make his bed, has to be reminded to brush his teeth, doesn't know how to do laundry, the list goes on and on. From reading your post, I am seeing huge red flags with your BF's son. My husband never set any boundaries or expectations with his son and your BF seems to be doing the same with his son. This will result in a failure to launch, manchild-type situation in the future. As other posters have mentioned, this kid is young and you are going to have to deal with him and BF's poor parenting until he's at least 18. I can tell you, it'll only get worse. Your BF is the main issue and until he starts parenting and disciplining his son, nothing will change. And I agree with other posters, his son needs to be medically evaluated to make sure there's not an underlying cause of the behavior or maybe counseling. The child's behavior doesn't seem normal to me.
I applaud you for trying to bring up your concerns to your BF and disciplining his son when you need to. But again, he doesn't seem receptive and ultimately, he needs to be the main one disciplining his son. Your BF reminds me a great deal of my husband.
I really hope things improve. We are all with you! :) Please keep us posted!
Yep, I've told my partner he
Yep, I've told my partner he's at an impressionable age right now and he needs boundaries and discipline because things will not improve otherwise. I can't see the kid mounting to anything he doesn't ever want to learn, I've brought him maths books that we could all do together, he's completed 2 pages that's only because he was forced to do it and we still had tears but all he wants to do I'd play games that he's made up and everybody has to play them!
I've mentioned the doctors to him but he swears blind it's just a phase he's going through and there's nothing wrong with him, my point is that his child has meltdowns over literally everything! I know he's five but my nephew isnt like that and he's 3! Actually he's the only kid I've ever encountered with such attitude.
I agree I've told him he needs to discipline with me instead of telling me to go easy on him (he blames it on the split with his ex and the changes) because like I said I'm always seen as the bad guy as in the only one who puts him in time out.
Listen to your inner voice.
Listen to your inner voice. It is telling you something. Time to move on, dump this relationship.
You can not fix this, you can not fix or change your bf OR his child.
Please, tell us WHY you are still involved with bf?
Oh and one more thing.. I would pack up your funiture and put in storage. Yes, you read that right. Let bf go out and buy a sofa so his kid can jump on it.
You have a lot more power than you think.
I do love my boyfriend very
I do love my boyfriend very much we have a great time together when we're alone but his child is making us drift apart. I was gonna purchase a new sofa and I will tell my partner that I can't due to his son ruining it. Thanks for the advice
if his sons behaviour doesn't change and my partner doesn't step up I will break things off.
Your partner clearly isn’t teaching his kid age appropriate
Behaviours. Faking a sicky so a cancer charity event raises money for him and hsi dad does nothing about that is all kinds of wrong.
he's been allowed to be centre of attention no matter what and acting like a ridiculous clown gets him attention so he continues
my sd in her younger yrs was like this. Behaved and danced like a monkey and family thought this was hilarious and she continued it non stop that her own siblings were over it. They're glad she outgrew it but hubby and his family loved this clown behaviour.
nobody thought that at 7 yrs old, if you wanna read a book, read it like a normal human, you wanna talk? Talk like a normal human and stop making monmey sounds and dancing like one
Out of control 5 year old
Out of control 5 year old with no parenting leads to a bigger out of control 10 year old who is starting to fail in school. This leads to an out of control teenager who maybe drops out of school and who is physically strong, and perhaps begins to self medicate because he knows his life is out of control. This leads to an adult living with his dad because he has no skills, no education, no job, and no ability to interact with people. His life is likely online gaming, possibly substance abuse, and his dad who still feels sorry for him. That's it.
I know this is dramatic. It is also a real life possibility.
Sometimes, as we say around here, love isn't enough. Your BF needs to have that child evaluated and start to parent him. THAT is what a loving father would do. He's absolutely failing his son.
Thank you I will talk to him
Thank you I will talk to him about getting a doctor to evaluate him again. I have my suspicions that dad also suffers from ADHD and I know it is genetic. I've explained to his son if he doesn't listen in school as he had been acting out there also he wont get a job, he won't have money coming in and won't be able to buy nice things, after that talk my partner said so far he's been good in school but I totally agree he needs to see a doctor.
This really is on you. You tolerate it.
Though you are not the root cause. Your idiot BF is. Do not make the mistake of being deluded that the problem is BM. It is certainly BM, and equally if not significantly more your BFs fault.
This will never end. If you think a POS 5yo is bad. Wait until you are experiencing a POS 10yo, then 15yo, then 20yo, then 30yo.......
The point is, the only way to fix it is to shit can the idiot BF.
IMHO this has nothing to do with ADHD and everything do to with shitty parenting.
Thank you for the reply and
Thank you for the reply and advice.