My grandmother used to say, "My get up and go has got up and went." I feel that way most everyday lately. Did roust myself out for a shopping trip yesterday and took the super long way home through a lot of scenic forest and pasture areas. Made me feel more energized than I have in awhile.

Ss's bm has not made any mention of taking him for the weekend, so I guess he'll be with us. There is no official custody agreement yet, just an informal EOW that is usually every 3rd or 4th weekend. I don't kid myself. Even if there were a court sanctioned agreement, bm wouldn't bother to stick to it and bf (birth father and boy friend) won't press her to either. I only learn that something has changed a day or hours prior to the change and after I've spent a week or better planning a much needed break. However, I am not helpless and chained to their erratic/chaotic schedules. My children are grown and on their own. I intend to start taking off when it is convenient for me.

Ss(13.5) is finishing up his first half week of school and seeming enthusiastic about it. His father mentioned last night that ss wanted to join an activity related to one of his classes, but he said no because he cannot provide transportation. I'm the only one able to drive in our household. I'm supposed to be disengaged, but that came about because of my incredible frustration (and bf's apathy) over ss having no interests, activities or life outside of smothering his father (and me, by extension). I don't see saying no to providing transportation to ss's activity. Gaining social skills and learning how to work with others beyond his father are exactly what he needs and what I've been wanting for him for quite some time.

I often puzzle over my relationship with bf. I'm sure were the matriarchs of my family still alive to offer their unsolicited advice, he wouldn't be "good enough" for me. He's a hs dropout from a family who have always struggled just to maintain basic shelter and sustenance. There are always a multitude of excuses and reasons why nobody should ever expect more and anyone who has more was "just lucky." I get smacked with the "just lucky" label on a regular basis. None of them believe that they personally have any control over their lives. I'm a college graduate (not without some struggle) and believe that regardless of the challenges I might encounter, my life is what I make of it. Presently, I'm not terribly proud of my life and what I've made of it, but I'm not so far in the toilet that it would be difficult to make positive changes for myself. Owning up to the fact that nothing may ever change with bf's bad attitude and habits and letting him go with it is where I've let myself get bogged down.

Presently, I feel terribly lackadaisical and fogged out. Hopefully I'll reunite with my "get up and go" sometime soon.