Am I too selfish
I am the sm of two young boys, I treat them as if they were my own. I have a son with my husband, but my husband's ex has put such a financial strain with all the court and games she plays that we are not financially stable. My question is I am a 35 yr old woman who has been told by numerous docs that I will go into menopause probably around 37 (give or take). I am an only child and always wanted to have two children of my own. I have multiple degrees BAs and an MBA, I know I can eventually make enough money to get us out of this perdicament but it could take a couple of years. Unfortunately, biologically speaking I don't have a couple of years. My husband's ex threatens us that she will find a way to get the boys to either not like us or take them away (she has suceeded before). I love and support my husband 100%, but he thinks since we don't have a lot of money right now, the thought of a second child should not even be a thought (a want... he says I can want it all day, but shouldn't actually expect him to want to put us financially in more debt). I have been through hell and back with him with his ex, and getting the kids back. I have tried to save money but it never seems he is willing the other way. He wants my stepsons to have everything, because he feels guilty he isn't always there for them. I support our son, sometimes with the help of my family. I love him with all my heart and soul, but I am so depressed at my child being an only (especially without any of benefits, if there really is any, of being one). I am an only child myself and swore to my self if I ever had a child I would never do that to them. I not only don't like being one. I am against it, and despise it in every way. It is a very lonely life. Trust me! Am I unreasonable for wanting this, even though it will cause a further strain on us financially for awhile? The problem is even though I love my husband... if I leave he will probably lose his sons since me and my family essentially make his life possible, and I can't live with that as a possiblity anyway, but I don't want to lose my opportunity for just a small bit of what I wanted out of life to be taken from me either? What can I do? Him not wanting another child with me is breaking me emotionally. And he says if I ever left him to pursue my goal of having the opportunity to find someone who does want me to be able to have the family I so desire, our son can have a relationship with his brothers but I never will again. So, what am I to do? I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I am becoming very depressed that all my wants and needs not only come second if at all, but that I now lose the only thing that ever really mattered to me which is having a family. Am I just too selfish?
I agree.
I agree.
I ment him as an "only child"
I ment him as an "only child" between the two of us. Ofcourse, he is not a true "only child" but he really does not have the "true experience" of having his brothers on a day-to-day basis. Everyother weekend, and the ex signing them up for a ton of activities on the weekends we have them where they are barely here, aren't exactly bonding days. I would like him to have that kind of bond where he has an everyday bond, like they do with each other but the boys see my son like more of a friends than brothers. An example of what I mean is: The boys write papers about their family in class and never even mention me or my son in their projects. Do you understand what I mean? I do everything I can for them, we play, bake cookies, watch movies, ect., but I am not more than another adult in their life, almost like a great babysitter.
no, you aren't being selfish
no, you aren't being selfish (and if you are, it's doesn't compare to the selfishness of your dh). if you can compromise and go through hell because of his kids and his ex, why can't he compromise and quit all the Disney daddy-ing he does so that you can afford to have your own child? it seems like he get everything he wants and you pay the price. honey, if a selfish man knows he's got you "by the balls", he'll NEVER agree to anything that YOU want. quit allowing him this power over you. you have a decision to make here. your life WILL consist of footing the bill for him and his unless you do something. this marriage is wayyyy too one sided. you'll never be happy until you begin using some of your power. and yes, your power arises from having a CHOICE as to how your life will be. never, never, never be afraid of losing a man. he'll know and play it for all it's worth. women now days don't HAVE to live like this.
Maybe money is just the
Maybe money is just the excuse he's using. He has 3 kids. It's possible he just doesn't want any more.
Chances are he's looking at what will happen if you divorce. Talking him into having a child he clearly does not want, may ver well end in divorce. In t he event of a divorce, he'll to pay CS for 4 kids. If money is an issue for him now, a 4th child will really push him over the edge.
In my opinion there is only
In my opinion there is only one way to effectively deal with people who are as manipulative, toxic and evil as your DH and his XW.
They must be destroyed financially, socially and legally so that they cannot manipulate decent people. If you and your family are what facilitates DH living his life then you own his toxic ass and you need to give him absolute clarity on this key fact. Outline very clearly for him exactly what he will lose if he loses your support and the support of your family which includes his two spawn by his toxic XW.
This is the only thing that I found would work in protecting my SS from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool (The SpermClan). We tried being reasonable but that only resulted in their ratcheting up the manipulation and PAS crap. So, we facilitated their financial, social and legal ruin so that we could protect my SS from their crap. Nothing illegal of course. We just nailed their asses for more CS and for penalties and interest on their share of medical costs not covered by insurance, we would force them to buy their own leg of visitation air travel instead of cooperating on a less expensive round trip ticket together, we would have the police and my ILs collect SS in the middle of SpermClan Church services when they would conveniently forget to take him to the airport on the last day of their visitations or would lie that his flight had been canceled and they could not get him on another flight for several more daysand we had SS collected from family gatherings, reunions and from restaurants during family and friend gatherings when they would play any games with returning the kid on time.
Were I you I would sit him down and tell him very clearly that he has his perspective all wrong. He needs to understand that his marriage to you and his commitment to your joint child(ren) must be his priority. It can go unsaid but should be heavily hinted that IF and it is entirely your choice, you chose to kick him to the curb you will nail his ass for huge amounts of CS and he will be living in a cardboard box without the means to even worry about whether or not he can keep you from having a relationship with your Skids.
What I am going to recommend next is not something I would normally condone, but ... go ahead and have your second child. It really is not your DH's choice. The choice is entirely yours. You have sacrificed much so your DH can support your Skids and it is time for him to recognize it and support what you want for a change.
No, you are not being selfish. If anyone is being selfish it is your DH.
I think you will find that when confronted with clarity your DH will very quickly find that he is being unreasonable in how he has been jeopardizing the prosperity of his marriage, family and youngest child to assuage his guilt about the elder children.
Good luck.
All IMHO of course.
Having a child with a man who
Having a child with a man who has made it crystal clear he doesn't want more is wrong. That is a low, down, dirty move that he will be stuck dealing with for the rest of his life.
Having a child the way Rags suggested will end your marriage.
The next wife/SO will hate your second child. She will know that
she's stuck dealing with 4 SKs instead of 3 because you ignored dad's wishes.
Hopefully your husband is smart enough to get himself fixed ASAP or to at least always use a condom.
I am not trying to trick him
I am not trying to trick him Disney fan I am trying to discuss my feelings on the subject. I was asking everyones opinion on if "I" was being selfish in asking this from him. I am NOT trying to trick him in any way. Nevermind if we ever got divorced I don't know that I would get or even ask for child support anyway. I am not trying to financially break the man. I very much need to know if my wanting a child is selfish. I feel that if we can not compromise on this I may, as much as I love and care about him, have to do what I feel I need in my life. I have even said if its a matter of money, would he mind if I went to a sperm bank and did it on my own, that way he had NO obligation. He said that would still put a damper on us financially and if that was the case he mine as well be the father. This is something that I feel like I deserve to have. If our relationship was solely based on whether or not I can have another child or he doesn't want to be with me cause I did. Then he really doesn't love me anyway. He could run out my biological clock and when he is financially stable just walk away and then I don't have him OR the child I always wanted. Am I not right?