Am I crazy?
Really, maybe it's just me! I don't know. I posted on here a few months ago about me having a chat with SS8. I told him I loved him and wanted him to know that and things were going pretty good with us for a while but here we go again. He has such an overly strong attachment to DH and for the most part I can understand but it gets worrysome to me when SS8 follows DH around all day every day. To the extent that when DH is in the bathroom SS EIGHT (almost 9) he stands outside the door and waits for him. If DH sits next to me SS will litterally step on top of me and try to squeeze himself in between us. I never say a word about any of this despite how much it bothers me. I just let him do what he's gotta do and try to be happy but he is at a point now where he has been blinking his eyes really hard and constantly. I was reading that could be a sign of anxiety or depression in children which is no surprise since his drug addict mother can only have 1 hour a week supervised visits with him at this point. I feel so bad for him and try to do everything I can for him but living this way 24 hours a day 7 days a week except for that 1 hour is becoming more and more difficult. I love my husband and he is a good man and he is a terrific father except that he lacks in the discipline department. I am sure he does this because everyone feels like they need to walk around on tipy toes with this kid but I don't. Whenever DH isn't around SS8 is either constantly asking where he is, when he'll be home, talking back to me and just plain rude. I have a BS8 as well and SS8 is SO mean to him at times. I usually let them be kids and let BS take care of it himself but sometimes I find myself stepping in (usually only if it gets physical or I can't stand hearing it anymore). DH was not home yesterday so I took the boys for pizza and of course a fight between the boys started and I was getting embarrassed at the restaurant so I softly raised my voice and SS gave me the most evil eyes I have ever seen and told me that I am the only person who ever yells at him. I said well I'm not afraid to tell you when you're being a brat.
Since that comment happened 24 hours ago that's all I can think about. It's bugging me. He's right. No one else ever repremands this kid and it is really disturbing. The one other thing with DH that pisses me off is if my son is acting up and I am trying to deal with it, he doesn't hesitate to yell at my son. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. I guess being a stepparent is more frustrating to everyone then being a birth parent but these issues really upset me. I discussed with DH that SS should maybe see a therapist. Just to show I wasn't pointing out SS's flaws, I brought my son to a therapist (the therapist wondered why we were there, lol.) BS enjoyed it. It was 3 short sessions. But DH got highly defensive over SS talking to somebody because there isn't anything wrong with precious. The kid has issues!!! But not my place I guess?
Vent complete...makes me feel better to share I guess.
Welcome! Is there a hostile
Welcome! Is there a hostile BM involved?
This conduct you describe is CLASSIC. I've experienced it myself with my skids.
If there is an alienator BM in the picture, she could be telling SS that you are trying to take him away from his dad, etc.
And DH must be on board with disciplining and backing you as a united front or the whole relationship will break down.
I worry about our
I worry about our relationship because of it. It terrifies me. I'm not sure what she tells SS when they are together. I know that SS must be depressed he can't spend the weekend at his moms anymore and doesn't understand why so I think that is where it is coming from again. I can't imagine they would have these discussions about me in front of a social worker. The three of them have to sit in a tiny little room together and occassionally they bring her 2 year old that is in a foster home as well. So I know SS is depressed he doesn't get to see his little brother whom I know he adores.
This sucks! Sigh~
I can COMPLETELY relate!! SS
I can COMPLETELY relate!! SS is 13....this is the 1st time in that kids life he has lived with DH. The BM NEVER disciplined him...heck, she would let him stay up all night playing video games and as a result, he missed over half the school year! Unreal. SS13 does a lot of the same things you are experiencing, but only on a grander scale. I try to talk to DH and point the issues out, but then I am accused of starting stuff, and trying to create problems. Really?? I have gotten to a point that I have suggested to DH that SS13 see a counselor IF he comes back to live with us. I proposed it to be a way to help SS13 work out his frustrations. We shall see how that goes.
I've experienced this
I've experienced this behaviour first hand! He is just having you on and being dramatic ... don't have a bar of it!
I have SS11 ... he has been in my life now for just on two years. He is a strange kid - stares at you - and I mean straight at you, glaring ... no reason for it whatsoever. He follows his father around like a puppy dog at times and will talk like a baby in conversing with him ... asking the most stupid of questions and when DH responds, he'll just repeat back exactly what he's said - like a mimic. DH doesn't seem to acknowledge this behaviour ... I've realised over time what SS is doing. DH and I have a lot in common and spend quite a bit of time together - we get on really really well. SS doesn't like it and now and then will try this behaviour to 'butt in' and try and get DH to focus on him only. If DH and I are together when SS doesn't like it, that's when SS will do the staring/glaring thing and continually butt in, and follow DH around like a puppy dog ... fortunately DH will not favour SS in lieu of me so SS usually gives up the silliness as it doesn't work for long.
I've mentioned to DH on occasion that SS stares and it is very strange and rude ... I expect SS does this to anyone that he seems to be 'off' with ... so I don't take it personally - but it is a flaw that should be dealt with. DH says to stare back and poke my tongue out - so I do now - minus the tongue poking. When he does it a lot, I'll just say to SS "why are you staring at me - it is a very strange thing to do" ... and confront it head on with him.
SS doesn't like being confronted whatsoever on his behaviour ... and like you, his BM and BF don't discipline him much. He was an only child so used to getting his own way all the time and being the centre of attention when he wanted. He also had far too much freedom ... I have two BD's - twins nearly 13 - they don't have anything to do with SS - they find him very childish and extremely odd and have nothing in common with him so they do their separate things and have very little interaction. That works fine. I'm the one that ensures all the kids are sticking to routines, chores, bedtime ... SS hates it when I remind him its bedtime, or to clean his room, or whatever ... he has complained many times to DH that I'm constantly telling him off and will try and get DH to side with him. Its usually a 3 month cycle that he'll complain to DH on this front. Of course I'm not telling him off - but rather directing what he is doing or isn't. I am very upfront with DH when this arises ... assuring him that all I'm doing is reinforcing agreed routines, chores, bedtimes ... and that I'm doing it for my BD's as much, if not more, than for SS. I also remind DH that I'm not telling SS off ... and that SS needs to understand the difference .... and I remind DH that SS simply does not like having routines and frameworks.
I've decided very much that I will not pander to SS ... just as I do with my BD's, he has responsibilities, chores, routines, and frameworks. If he wants to be a functioning member of society, these are just normal parts of growing up. Where his BM may give him much greater freedom, I don't care - that is in that home and environment. When he is in our home and environment, he needs to behave under our rules. If he doesn't like it, then he has a decision to make - not come! It is absolutely fine for different rules in different environments ... again, that is part of life and part of what he needs to learn.
These kids (like my own) try it on ... I nip that sort of behaviour with my BD's in the bud, very quickly ... there is no reason why you have to put up with silliness from SK's at all ... if your SS fights with your BS - treat him just as you would if it were the other way around. DO NOT pander to your SS ... at nearly 9 - he should know what is right and wrong and he should be taking responsiblity for his behaviour. If not, your job as the adult is to remind/tell him ... just as kids don't like their BM telling them, I'm sure he won't either ... but that is your job. DO NOT feel guilty, DO NOT feel bad ... DO NOT feel you are singling him out ... he is a kid, and needs to be bought in line for his own good and for his own personal development.
Re the following his father around, confront him with the question of why he's doing that when he's doing it ... see what his explanation is. Don't think you can't ask a kid these things ... be upfront and confront the issues head on. It will make you feel better and should bring to light what he's doing ...
Good luck and be true to yourself!