Feeling Withdrawn
This is more of a vent than anything but no one understands besides you ladies...
I work 2 jobs and long hours. Last night, I only worked my Full Time job and came home. On my way, I called DH and said what do you want to do for dinner, have spagetti or go some where with the SSs. He said I'll ask them. So I get home and SS4 & SS8 are sititng on couch watching TV. NOT one word and I'm to the point, already, that I feel withdrawn from associating with them, but yet I fully care and provide for them. My precious dog came running and I seriously treat him as a child. He was so happy to see him so I talked to him in my baby voice and didnt say a word to the kids. NOT that I expect them to say hi first or anything but they didnt even budge when I opened the door and normally they will say something. So my husband is upstairs doing house chores and I said so what are we doing. He said the boys wanted to go to Chili's. I said okay lets go. So we to Chili's and sit in a booth. The boys will fight who sits next to DH and sometimes we will sit together and let them sit together. So SS8 runs to sit next to DH and I sit next to SS4. About half way through dinner, SS4 goes "daddy can I sit with you, I dont want to sit next to "SM"". I seriously wanted to just get up and take a walk. I know I shouldnt take so personal but I do b/c I do so much for them, they dont even know!! So I decided to color as we were waiting for our main course to arrive. So SS4 is like "SM can I color the rest of it" SO I give it to him and the rest of the crayons. My DH said are you okay b/c I guess he could tell I was upset. I said I'll be glad when I have one of my own b/c than I'll actually get love and respect back for just being there. I could tell DH felt bad and it wasnt his fault.
I just found it sad that every time we have SS, I feel myself pulling back more and more from them. And they are so young still so this should be the easier time. I never forced myself on them b/c I had a SM try and do that to me and it made me dispise her and I didnt want that for myself. SS8 has attached himself more and more to DH b/c he does remember his parents being together and has made comments about it. He has also made nasty comments to DH saying that he doesnt care if DH is in his life when he's older as longer as BM is. But yet when he's at our house, he's constantly hugging on and hanging all over DH and saying "Daddy I love you". DH has gotten very hurt by SS8 comments. SS4 doesnt remember DH & BM together so he is much easier to bond with. But I find myself resisiting to make a stronger bond with them b/c I dont want to get hurt and critized by children b/c their mother is a bitter bitch!! Not to mention, SS8 seems resistant to me. SS4 has said he loves me, not often but sometimes. SS8 has never said that. And SS4 will also ask where I am at if I'm not home or at work. SS8 could care less.
I just really dont know....
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It sounds like DH needs to
It sounds like DH needs to have a talk with SSs and let them know that their remarks are hurtful and not acceptable. Unless someone tells them that what they've said isn't going to be tolerated, it will get worse as they get older. JMO.
(((((Hugs))))) Hang in
(((((Hugs))))) Hang in there honey! Think of SS4 saying he loves you sometimes as total progress! A few hints for ya from what works for us...DH and I never separate at restaurants. We ALWAYS sit together and the children sit across from us. It works wonders...plus we get to play footsie under the table
When I arrive from somewhere...DH makes a huge point of saying "HI HONEY!!!"followed by a huge hug and kiss... this gives little miss princess the hint that she too must acknowledge I've come home.
As far as the "hellos" when someone comes home...kids are little punks. It hurts to come home after a long day and no one but the dog acknowledges your arrival. It's also a bitch to muster enough cheer to greet people who are zoning in front of the tv as your trudging in from work. I'm sorry you're going through these things right now...but stick with it and try talking about the hello thing with DH if you haven't already.
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
We do the same Barbie... we
We do the same Barbie... we NEVER sit apart at a restaurant, even if it's just the two of us, DH wants to sit next to me instead of across from me. The kids know this, but will still always try to sit next to us instead and DH will stand there glaring until they get up and move.
Thanks for the advice and
Thanks for the advice and making me not feel like a mean SM. The reason we sat apart as restaurants is b/c SS4 was SS2 when we starting dating and he needed help eating, etc. And I always sat with SS8 and did the activity book and it was great! But I will bring that point up about us sitting together. And DH does always greet me and hug & kiss me and ask how my day was with or without the kids. But he was upstiars being an awesome hubby and fixing the window. I talked to DH this morning about how I was feeling withdrawn from them and he really is an awesome husband and dad and talked me through my feelings and said he wants to talk to SS's about how they are feeling about things. So we shall see!!
It's SOOOOO much easier
It's SOOOOO much easier being a stepmom when your husband is supportive and sympathetic to your battles. It sounds like you guys are gonna be ok
Maybe a VERY relaxed family meeting in disguise could help? I've found that my son babbles about anything if we're distracting him while talking...lots of family stuff can get resolved over a game of Sorry or Monopoly or a kiddy card game like Go Fish.
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
SS4 says I love you! That's
SS4 says I love you! That's so sweet! I hope BM doesn't try to stop it.
Not often but every once in
Not often but every once in awhile and it melts my heart!! One day they were all waiting for me to get off a work and SS4 goes "ahhh SM, I love her!" And DH told me and I swore I smiled a wk from it!
BM is crazy and bitter and still wants my DH even though she has a BF, so I'm sure she will try to brainwash them as soon as she can
It truly is. When you walk
It truly is. When you walk into it, you think I'm strong, this cant be this hard and there is nothing to prepare for it. I always feel appreciated by DH and he very affectionate. I dont expect the kids to say thanks for washing my clothes, but I also dont want to feel like a maid/cook either. If I wasnt madly in love with my DH, I wouldnt be here. DH can tell I've withdrawn from them and spend time alone when they are at our home but some days if I dont do that, I feel I'm going to snap! We've talked a lot this morning about how I'm feeling and he wants to fix things and get us back to a close family. I know I couldnt do this if he wasnt so supportive and understanding.
So....let me get this
So....let me get this straight. You work two jobs, come home and take care of your DH and his kids to the best of your abilities, and you think you're mean?? Oh hun...you need a spa day! (ok, spa week)..
I would be hurt by that comment as well. You shouldn't have to worry about who you are going to sit next to at a restaurant for fear of what your SS might say.
The older SS is only making those comments to DH because he needs reassurance of his dad's love, plain and simple. God knows what BM is telling him at her house. Kids do make things their fault, he may think he did something to make his parents divorce. Plus, he is only eight and may not have an understanding of the dynamics of an adult relationship and may be worried that because DH loves you, dad may not have enough love left to give him. Jealousy is normal.
As they grow, they will start to see the things that you do for them. It may take awhile, but that day will come. Cut yourself some slack, you are doing an amazing job.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Awe thanks! I do feel mean
Awe thanks!
I do feel mean when I say they get on my nerves or as an adult that they hurt my feelings and should be told. I know I'm not, but I also know what its like to have a step-mom and step-dad. My dad tried to force his g/f down my throat and than some. And I made it VERY clear my DH, I would not take that approach. I dont want them to call me mom or take their mom's place. I just want to be a positive person in their life and have their best interest at heart.
I think SS8 does need reassurance and BM just moved her b/f and his 2 kids in and I'm sure its hard for him to see b/f with his dad and makes him miss DH. DH is very affectionate with his children and hugs them and tells them he loves them at least 30x in a day! He's a very affectionate person and I will get that love as well! I do notice if DH hugs me, say in the kitchen while I'm cooking, and one of them comes in, they will hug him from behind. Almost as if they feel left out and he will grab for them and try and do like a group hug and it ends up being the 3 of them and I'm left standing there. I try to blow those things off, but DH wants us to feel like a family but yet I always seem to be the 4th wheel.
Have you thought about
Have you thought about taking your SS's somewhere alone, one on one? Let them teach you about something they love (which can be difficult with boys, I know way more about Bakugan and YuGiOh than any single person on this planet should ever know)...but it might help you bond, especially with SS8. If BM just moved in her BF, he may be feeling very out of place and like he has nowhere secure to be.
I feel like the odd man out quite a bit as well. I've owned that feeling and let myself have it. What else can I do? I know me, and otherwise I would sit and wallow in my self pity. Not a pretty thing, I'm too old to be hanging out and pouting (I will be honest, some days I enjoy a good pout...). I just accept it for what it is, and try to make the best of it.
Do we really have any other choice but to take it one day at a time? Again, you are doing an awesome job! Those kids are lucky to have you from what I can tell.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
I have done that a few
I have done that a few times!! I will buy him special gifts (both of them at different times) as something I can do with them. And at first, it really bonded us but the past few mos have been hard. I think the b/f moving in with BM has affected a lot of things b/c he's not only sharing the room with his 4 yr bro, but also a 9 yr old boy & 6 yr old girl (I know thats a whole other story!), so he has no personal space and schoolwork has been affected and he's given having issues listening to DH.
I accept it, but like you, I think you just have those days where you do pout it out. And I feel like no one in my life understands being a step-parent b/c Idk anyone who will talk blunt about it. They all sugar coat it! Hear its talking about the real issues without getting judgement or harshness b/c you're frustrated
Something about your post
Something about your post that stuck out for me is "I said I'll be glad when I have one of my own b/c than I'll actually get love and respect back for just being there." I was just saying this to DH last night that that's how I felt when I was pregnant. That isn't why I wanted a baby, but once she was on the way and I would feel left out at home with DH and SD it made me so happy to know I would soon have a little person who would love me no matter what. The problem with that now is we think SD is jealous of how I act with my daughter and the time I spend with her. She's only 4 months so of course I have to pay more attention to her, but it's weird to think SD might actually be jealous when she's the one who constantly pushes me towards my baby by ignoring me and acting like a jerk. I totally understand what you're saying about wanting your own child but I just wanted to give you a little warning on what could happen. I know, it seems no matter what we do as stepparents, we just can't win.
Marie09, how do you deal with loving your DH like crazy but at the same time not wanting to be in your situation? That's sort of what I'm going through right now. DH and I were having problems but we're working on them. Yet as our relationship gets better SD is getting worse, so it's like I'm torn with wanting to work on my marriage and also not wanting to deal with SD anymore.
I've always wanted to be a
I've always wanted to be a mom but I also didnt want to just have a kid with anyone. When I was married to my first hubs, I knew I didnt want his child (among other things!) but i met DH and I knew I wanted to be his wife and for him to be the father of my baby. I wanted to be a family with him b/c he has all the qualities that I was searching for and when I gave up, there he came!! Before we even got engaged, we talked about having a family (or adding to) and marriage, everything. I miscarried a baby about 5 yrs ago. It wasnt a planned pregnancy (on antibotics while on BC pills and well you do the math) and the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. It has always stuck with me and gave me a strong desire to be a mom and be able to pass my traditions on. I knew his kids wouldnt be like having my own or anything, but its so hard when I feel SO unloved by them and yet I do all the "motherly" duties for them! Me wanting a child has nothing to do with having someone to love me, but I did say that out of context...lol! but I have a HUGE heart and want to have a baby to love and cherish and watch them grow and know I was a part of that! and I'm sure they are going to be jealous as hell, but I'm NOT going to not be a mother just b/c I have skids. Why should I have to give that up b/c he had kids with the devil?!
I deal with it b/c I do love him so much. I know my life wouldnt feel complete if I walked away from our marriage and life together. I love my first hubs but I wasnt in love with him. And I didnt know how powerful love was until I met DH. I still get butterflies at the thought of him and I get like a little school girl on my drive home knowing I am going to see him. Our friends say we are sickly in love still after all this time together. DH & I dont have problems in OUR relationship, obviously we bicker and disagree, who doesnt. But my issues are with his kids and BM. DH always backs me and supports me. And I think thats another reason its more tolearble. If he hung me out to dry than I dont think we'd work at all. I think the biggest thing we have is our communication. WE talk about everything. He knows in an instant if I'm upset and wants to talk to fix or resolve is and vice versa. Neither one of us shut down. He doesnt get mad if I say I'm frustrated with them and respects I need space and so on. HOnestly, I feel like my worst day with him is still better than my best day without him.