Advice please on SD reaction
So yesterday my DH and BM were at a mediator session with SD7 to help look into a few of her behavior problems. Afterwards BM commented on SD shirt (that I gave her, it said someone who loves me got me this shirt from FL) and asked SD who loves her so much that got her that shirt. My DH said she got super flustered, and wouldn't really look up, then pointed to her dad. He was like no, I didn't give that to you, you know who did. She wouldn't say anything again for a while, then said "Daddy's girlfriend". Now even though my DH and I haven't been married for too long (6 mo), we have been together for over 5 years, my SD and I have come a long way and at this point I know have a great relationship, and she was in the wedding and knows that we are married. My DH said it was as though my SD couldn't even say my name, much less say Daddy’s Wife in front of her mom. My FH said afterwards he asked why she couldn't talk about me and she said she felt nervous, but couldn't explain why. She talks about her mom's relationships in front of us all the time, so I don't think it's a universal problem.
As a backstory, she has been difficult pretty much from the beginning. Has never really appreciated or respected my place or role in the family, and just been a narcissistic/borderline/pain in the a**. Only recently has she agreed that I can begin coming to the mediator sessions (in which she now wants her BF of 1 month to come as well...) and really that I am alive.
So really my question is, was my SD just confused or caught off guard, or do you really think she has been through years of anxiety with bringing my name up or anything to do with me up in front of her BM? Do you think BM has not really given her permission or the impression it is ok to love me or even talk about me, or am I possibly looking into it too much?
Thanks for any advice, it's been tearing me up a little since it happened yesterday.
This has happened to me as
This has happened to me as well. I have 8 and 10 year old step-daughters and have been married to their dad for 3 years, in their lives for 5. It is an overwhelming guilt that is brought on by loyalty issues to their mom. If they love you, they don't love mom. It is the BM's doing. Kids naturally love unless they are taught not to. They cannot love you in front of her because then they may lose her. Children are very loyal to their parents especially if they are being told how critical their love is to a BM's existence. Our BM bought the 10 year old (8 at the time) a broken heart necklace - where one person wears one 1/2 of the heart and the person wears the other...very strange. But over the years, I have come to realize that we have a very special relationship when they are here and if it has to be a secret so they can be protected against the BM's wrath until they get a little older, so be it. Control from BM is another factor playing here and I can tell you, once these gals reach teenage years, that control will be stifling and you might be surprised who they reach out to as the calm in the storm. Tell her you love her. Tell her you understand and redefine the relationship a bit to be less of a mother role (this will naturally happen as she ages and can take care of herself more) by being the great friend who will always be there for her. Neutral Nancy. Easier said then done when you do all things mother but that is what hurts. Not being accepted as that. So what can you comfortably be accepted as? Keep the faith!
This is soooo totally true!
This is soooo totally true! The BM of my skids uses guilt, the 'poor me' act, and if that doesn't work...she flies off into a rage at her own kids. They have shown up on our doorstep with all their belongings from BM's house a few times. So what do you say to them even though you completely agree with them and would love to knock BM's head off for hurting them?? It is so hard...but yes, you must be "neutral nancy". All 3 of my SKIDS have said over the years that they would prefer to live with us fulltime....of course we told them they were always welcome....but they didn't do it because, and I quote "she'll make my life a living hell". Pretty damn sad. I've even made numerous suggestions to the SKIDS about how to make their relationship with their own mother better. They shoot down every suggestion I give saying it won't work with her. I find this to be so very sad because I have a wonderful relationship with my own mother and I feel they are missing out.
My brother's ex-wife (BM)
My brother's ex-wife (BM) told their daughter (DD7) point-blank that if DD7 ever called her stepmom "mommy" BM would leave the state and DD7 would never see her little sister again (2nd kid in 2nd marriage).
DD7 regressed so bad she didn't even speak a single word at my brother's house for almost a week.
Yes, BM's do this shit all the time. I'm very sorry for your SD and hope that therapy and continued support in your household will bring her through this.
In addition to what was said
In addition to what was said by the others above the BM doesn't even have to make overt threats or comments. Just a right look or tightning of the mouth is going to be picked up by kids. So don't automatically assume BM is carring out a hate campaign it could be unintentional although I'll certainly agree those women would be in a minority.
I'd suggest you approach the SD with "Look I know talking about me at BM's might be difficult. "Don't feel bad if you accidently say something" or words to that effect. The girl might even use that as a opening to talk about her problem when at home.
Well really he just asked
Well really he just asked what she was feeling when she wasn't talking about who gave it to her, she said she felt nervous. We are always careful of asking leading questions. As for us, we always make her feel comfortable talking about anything she wants or is feeling, regardless of if it makes us feel uncomfortable. I am really mostly concerned for her and what she must be going through, feeling pulled in multiple directions. I know what kind of bond we have, I'm not really nervous about that.
Oh HAHA I am still getting
Oh HAHA I am still getting used to the acronyms, this is my first day