My Nerves are getting the best of me - tonight is the talk with SD - need help w/ staying STRONG!!
I have been talking a lot about princess SD14 and thank you all very much for you infput (good or bad) I appreciate it!!
Well, over the past couple days I have found 4 items of my makeup and 4-5 shirts of my BD12 rolled in a ball shoved in places in SD room........Last night BD and I went shopping, we came home later then expected and I just put all the bags downstairs in the laundry room and went to bed.......
I got up this morning and before I left for look I just opened the bag to see what she got again and 1 of the shirts is ALREADY gone......SD ran out the house w/ a sweatshirt on so I couldn't tell what she had on??
I told DH that I have had enough........he said go for it.
But I am scared - he has said this before then underminds me in front of her....I can picture it now; even if I do "yell" a little he is going to stick up for her and make me look foolish; I just now it.... Why am I so nervous/scared to confront a flippin 14 year old child!! What's even more weird is I am not like this w/ ANYONE else/ I speak my mind all the time? It is weird??
You will probably see this as
You will probably see this as "bad" input, but you said you were saving to get out. If that is true, why put yourself through more of this stuff? It sounds like you pretty much know the outcome and think DH won't really support you when it comes down to it. So I would not set this up for failure again. Either try and say what you have to irregardless of his support and try and not get hurt by what you already expect, or do something different.
I do this too " do the same thing over and over and expect a different result" but some say that is the definition of insanity.
If you are just waiting out to leave, don't put yourself through more than you have to. Lock up your stuff, stay away as much as you can with your daughter.
Good luck to you.
I get what you are
I get what you are saying.....and even "bad/negative" input is needed; it is reality. I have tried to leave hime once before about a year ago......I just can't I have one foot out the door. I love him - I really do love him; he doesn't hit me - he doesn't beat me. And before SD came to live w/ us; I muddled through her visits.....DH and I got along we were very happy; our home was full of fun and I never yelled, raised my voice or swore. Now I am just filled w/ bittterness and am always flipping my lid. In a way I let princess win and take over. I know when she is old enough to GET OUT; DH and I will be happy again. He has said he knows she is a "bad" girl......sometimes (more recently) he can't even stand her voice; so that is what baffles me on why he stands up for her when I am trying to repremand her? I have stepped aside as far as "parenting" I let HIM do it all - I am there if he want advice.....but since she is taking from my BD and I - I have to say something; she thinks she is getting away w/ it!
Maux..........Thank you - I love the insight!!
I get it, I think. And
I get it, I think. And thankful for your reply. It sounds like part of you wants to leave and part if you doesn't, which is very hard. I am sorry your daughter is also paying the price for his inadequate parenting.
Maybe try and approach tonight as matter of factly as you can, without counting on his support. Try and keep it short and factual, leaving as little room as you can for her denying/ attacking. Things keep disappearing, I need to protect my stuff, this is what I have to do. That would leave little room for her accusing you of accusing her without proof. Tell them it does nit matter who did it, you need to protect your stuff. Try and keep your voice low both in tone and volume and walk away without needing a reply that satisfies you. You may never get that, but you can learn that what you say/ feel stands in it's own, even without their acknowledgement. If you really feel that, strongly, they may eventually get. If you fight for their validation, they may not give it to you.
I'd confront her about the
I'd confront her about the theft and I'd make her start reimbursing you for the items she steals, I mean price of item, tax on item, cost of gas and time to go replace item etc. either that or I'd start pulling stuff out of her room so she doesn't have anywhere to hide her stolen items. Heck she needs a bed, dresser (maybe) and a couple of hangers, if the theivery continues I'd consider taking her door too until she stops. Your daughters stuff doesn't automatically become hers cuz she's a poor child of divorce :sick:
Where is StepAside? She comes
Where is StepAside? She comes up with great things to say...the kinds of things that after the fact you smack your forehead and wish you had said. I'm thinking in a previous post to you she gave an example conversation that I thought to myself "I should save this for later use".
Also, I'm a "boss" at work. This means I have had some pretty uncomfortable conversations with people over the years, including firing people. I absolutely write out beforehand what I want to say, at least in outline form. I even practice it to myself a few times in order to remember it better. Helps me not get flustered or leave out an important part in the heat of the moment.
Of course, in a perfect world her DAD would be handling this...but, you know, wish in one hand; $hit in the other. Or whatever that saying is.
Good luck!
Thank you all!! I am just
Thank you all!! I am just going to bit the bullet.....I think the thing that bothers me most is that DH lets it go which in turn gives SD the impression that no one notices or will say anything to her; which in the long run gives her the idea that she runs my house..........I am on to her; I see and know everything she does!!
I hope you all have a great relaxing weekend!!
It's very important to create
It's very important to create boundaries. Can I suggest that when you are talking to her you reiterate that it's NOT her daddy she's doing this to, it's YOU, so what her daddy has to say about the issue is irrelevant in this case. He's 'entitled' to his opinion but this is between the two of you. Nip his ass in the bud right there! He doesn't want any part of it and he'll stand for her even if he doesn't know the ins and outs? BULLSHIT! Keep him out of it!
I also suggest that you do not make it obvious that you are watching her, that's going to make her want to get attention and she'll do stuff all the more just to piss you off.
I believe, whether we care to admit it or not there's a defiant and childish streak in all of us...tap into yours and put yourself in her situation and keep a step ahead of her...LOL
First you have to really
First you have to really decide, in your heart, what it is you want out of the conversation. Do you want her to apologize? Explain? Stop? Repair a relationship with you and BD?
Tips on how to have a difficult conversation.
1. Share the facts (calmly, in a non-confrontational way).
I’m here to talk about some things with you and I would like to get your feedback.
I have discovered x, y, z, missing. I found them here and here and here.
Continue to state just facts.
2. Tell your story.
Because I discovered x, y, z missing and discovered them in your room, the conclusion I’ve come to is that you’ve taken them from me without my knowledge, and that led me to believe you did it purposefully to hurt me (or BD or whatever). (basically, say that because of the facts, this is my conclusion).
3. Ask her for her story.
Am I right to conclude that you took these intentially to hurt me? Am I wrong? Tell me your side.
4. Talk tentatively.
5. Find mutual understanding.
I know this might sound hokey, but if the purpose for you here is to get her to stop stealing, or apologize, or whatever it is you want, you have to approach it in a non-confrontational way. Coming at it in an accusing way will either make her shut down or become defensive and you won’t resolve a thing.
Don't let things get heated, or try not to.
I agree, very few people can
I agree, very few people can argue against facts. It's HARD to keep emotions out when you are wronged though. Personally I can have an 'attitude', even when I am calm, and the look in my eyes is one of 'no shit' and it puts people on the defensive. I had to re think my strategies too. It really sucks that we have to 'strategize'!
Deep breaths helps and I find words like 'regardless' help when I hear bullshit justifications. 'regardless, the fact remains that the stuff went missing and was found in SD's room'. In fairness (warn BD prior to the 'converstion') ask BD if she removed her belongings and placed them elsewhere. Everyone should be in on the converstion. I'd let SD know that she could be arrested for theft and criminal damage to property. I'd be telling her that this sort of thing can be resolved at home, with apologies and amends, but if she does it outside the home then she has to take more harsh consequences...stealing is against the LAW!
Don't be afraid honey. She
Don't be afraid honey. She is a child and needs to be guided towards doing what is right - if her parents won't tell her, then you can - and I don't care who says you shouldn't, whatever. That is the best gift that anyone can give her!!!!!
Stand up for yourself. It will be good for her and you both. Don't worry about what is said - you will say your piece, she will come back with immature craziness, you will not accept it and reiterate your point - and it is done.
Good luck!!!! and let us know what happens
I am hearing you. To rock the
I am hearing you. To rock the boat or not? That is the question. Shutup and put up, or become involved in a discussion whereby your point of view will never be understood.
The longer I am in this step situation the more I think disengageing is the key.
SD15 fulltime with us. Her father is always on the defensive. He is doing his best and is a wonderful man, I know SD will always come first, fair enough, not happy with it, but accept it. He does his best to balance stuff.
I love cats and have thought I might leave and two or three cats, no mess, no fuss. Catwoman, here I come!!
SD gets a lot; believe me!
SD gets a lot; believe me! She could open her own store; she has her closet; 3 dressers and a rack downstairs. People over comensate. she doesn't go w/o - I can see your point though.....but BD and I NEVER get to do things alone. and I think her and I should be able to. I have brought her things home before when I have gone shopping; but this time I chose not too. She has a BD and BM - and frankly; SD has been treating me like SH**.......I typically don't rock the boat at all but MY children have to deal w/ her outbursts and sneaking out and stealing.....so I am putting my foot down. I have let her walk on my for two years while DH wathec adn for my sanity - I cannot do it anymore.
Thank you All I appreciate it very much;