Three Strikes???
I know you will all be shocked by this news... SD16 canceled again on her bday party at MILs….AGAIN. To recap this is the third bday party canceled the day of the party. Her bday was over a month ago.
BF is handling this fairly well. He’s hurt, but he has been dealing with bad behavior from BM, and now SD, for a long time. Over the last year as SD’s grades and relationship with BF really started to seriously deteriorate. He’s developed a slightly thicker skin and more realist expectation of his relationship with SD. In Crayon term, I think his dad goggle prescription is down to almost normal levels.
MIL on the other hand needs to get a grip. We went over to visit because she was SO upset about SD canceling again (This is the 3rd cheer her up after bday cancellation trip, it is getting old….). BF tried to convince his parents that they need to go with a new plan. SD16’s birthday and Christmas will be celebrated on the Sunday immediately following the event. If she can’t make that date for some reason, her presents will be mailed to her. No more of this trying up the whole family (including BIL and SIL) every weekend for a month+. No more putting up with this bad behavior. Good for BF. Took a while, but he’s seen the light.
Too bad MIL won’t hear of it. She “won’t give up on SD16” and said “SD16 told me she WANTED a party.” I should mention SD16 is the ONLY grandchild. After biting my tongue for as long as I could, I finally said, “MIL, remember when you were a teenager and adults would ask you to do something and you didn’t want to do it but you felt cornered or guilty or just unable to say no so you would say yes. Then you would spend all your energy trying to get out of said commitment by any means because you lacked the maturity to just say no, or to understand how you inconvenienced everyone when you bailed at the last minute. I said SD16 has been telling you no- she doesn’t want a party. No- she doesn’t want to go shopping with you. No- she doesn’t want to see you or FIL or BF or me. She has said no by saying yes and then canceling 3 times. This is clear teenage language for No I don’t want to do this.” Needless to say MIL just stared and me and then wanted to know if we could do a party next Sunday! I seriously think BF and I were talking to a brick wall. FIL is no help as the man had decided to remove his hearing aids for the weekend and just wanted to shout over everyone.
While BF has grown a spine with SD16, he apparently still has a ways to go with his mother because he was like “fine mom we’ll come over next Sunday.” After we left, I asked him WHY he is letting him mom plan a 4th party?!?!?!? He said if his mom plans a party he will go, end of story. He doesn’t want to hurt his mom’s feelings. Long, long Sigh. Because if BF is doing this to support MIL and I’m doing this to support BF I guess that means I have bday party plans next Sunday too. At least until SD cancels again.
Anyone want to take my bet that SD cancels by 2pm next Sunday afternoon?
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Brutally honest
I am soo sorry. That little girl is a complete brat! I feel bad for MIL... she obviously is so hurt she cannot face the truth. I understand your frustration, but at least DH is being a concerned caring son. He's not doing this for SD anymore, he's doing it for his mom, which says a lot about what kind of man he is. (a good one!) He doesn't want to see her hurt on behalf of his own stupid selfish ignorant daughter.
Then celebrate without her
Celebrate her birthday without her. Donate her gifts to a halfway house or something then send SD a card telling her what you guys did. Why continue buying this kid stuff for her birthday or Christmas when she clearly does not appreciate your efforts? Kid or not, sometimes you just have to call it a day and move on. You have made plenty of effort...the ball is in her court.
Sasha, thats a great idea...
Sasha, thats a great idea... I think my parents would have done the same to me if I acted that way!
Sasha on Brutally
It IS a great idea and I think that Brutally and DH would do it. I think their issue is MIL. Would she be able to do that to her own grand daughter if she is even trying a 4th time??
At this point MIL won't do
At this point MIL won't do what Sasha suggests. She is determined to "fight" for SD16. I don't think she realizes that if she pesters and pesters SD16 she'll just driver her farther away.
I think it is a wonderful idea and I was willing to donate the presents after the first no-show, but since I didn't buy the presents (mostly disengaged, especially on any financial support of SD) it isn't in my power to take them and give them to a shelter. I don't think BF is ready for this yet either. Getting to the "just mail them to her" stage is a big step for him though. He never would have even considered that a year ago. I'm am happy that he didn't go all out in presents like he has in the past too. This is a more modest level. I expect Christmas and next birthday will be even more so.
BH - you knew she would cancel!
I don't know what it's going to take for your MIL to get the hint. As for next Sunday - I wouldn't go. It will just be a replay of the three other times SD cancelled, so why bother. If your MIL wants to keep up the farce, let her, she's just going to drive herself crazy.
As for mailing SD her gifts - are you kidding me? That girl has made it quite obvious that she wants nothing to do with her father, or his family. Why on earth would you ssent her gifts to reward that nasty attitude of hers.
Suggest to your BF that you will donate the amount of money you would have spent on gifts for the ungrateful witch to a needy children's charity. You can photocopy the receipt and send it to her in a belated bday card to let her know you have no problem giving your money to someone who will actually appreciate it.
JMO
I'm so with you!
This is the part I hate most about being a SP. You can SEE the problem and KNOW what the correct answer should be. You can SEE that the bio-parents are totally reinforcing BAD behavior. But I'm quiet frankly powerless to do anything. And I hate it. I've hated it for years. Why am I saddled with a lame SD and to top it off why can't I do anything to fix her behavior so she is tolerable? The only option that would MAYBE give me some input would be to go for custody, but I don't want custody and neither does BF (long story BM lie to get pregnant, BF never wanted kids with her or anyone). Why would I want the hell of trying to reform a spoiled, PAS entrenched SD for the next two years?
To a large extend BF is powerless over SD, she won't return his calls or emails. He could be firmer with his mother, but it is hard when she is so heart broken and a victim of the PAS and brattiness and general teenage-ness too.
Just all round sucks!
Still, no way should she receive gifts after all this!
Is there any way you can tell MIL, yes I will get them to her, then if you don't see her, just hold them until you do? (and/or they fall off the truck into the Goodwill box).
I know exactly what you mean about having no input, influence, power or control over SD's manners - it is the single most frustrating aspect of this whole thing to me, that my SD17 is thoughtless and rude to people she meets through me and there's nothing I can do! This is a big one of the reasons I introduce her as 'DH's daughter'.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin