In reading this wjole thing... Did my DH run off and marry someone else. That has to deal with SD'd BS? My SD is 14 and the total story is totally totally my SD. Even down to the skipping school, smoking drinking and the sisters trying to break us up.... I think I may have to hire a Private eye... and follow DH. kidding. I feel for you anita I wish I could give you some advice but the only advice I give myself daily is RUN RUN !!!! and then I wake up from the day dream..
"You never know what you got, till it's gone"

What does your DH say? If you do decide to let her back, all you can say to SD is: HERE'S THE RULES (1) There's no more going back and forth. You lived with us, and left. Now you are choosing to come back. This is the last time. There will be no more "the grass is greener over there" because you already know what it's like over there and have come back. If it happens again, we won't be there for you. (2) If you come back, you choose to come back to OUR HOME living under OUR RULES. Meaning, there will be chores. (3) School will be attended, and if not, we, as Parents, have the right to take authoritative action, including speaking to teachers, summer school, etc. If you cannot and will not agree to these, then you can't live here. If you agree to these, but do not follow through, we will not put up with it, you will either be sent to a shelter for teens or back to Mom for the last time. And MAKE HER SIGN IT! (So maybe it seems more real to her) Sounds drastic, I know. We only had to tell SD the first 2 when she came to live with us (not sign anything). I think it just helps if you can at all truly and really set the ground before SD moves back, so she knows full well and is prepared for what really lies ahead. If you don't think that DH will support you with this, or adhere to this, then don't give in. You're life will be the hell you fear!
Good luck!!

Well, unfortunately, with DH gone 2 - 3 nights a week, there's no way it won't fall on you. Do you think that DH would lay down the law with SD14 while you are right there? To give her the United front and not make it seem like you aren't doing this together? If you have to be stuck parenting this girl, she obviously cannot go back those old ways. I understand your fear, and don't blame you at all for having misgivings! DH needs to play hard ball... is he up to that?? And also, I know you have disengaged with completely great reasons, but if you are stuck parenting her, then you are forced to re-engage. Which means that you have to be able to enforce rules too. And that needs to be made LOUD and CLEAR to her. If you don't want to do that, what do you think DH's reaction will be?

When did a 14 yo get old enough to start making the decisions about where they were going to live?

In this case (as with my SD), the 14 yo may be making the decision based on knowing that they do actually need boundaries and guidelines. How can you fault a child for wanting to live with a parent that actually has rules - when they clearly have no guidance at home? How can you fault the parent / step parent for taking that into consideration? In our case, SD wanted to come live with us, and NEEDED to come live with us. She was severely depressed and suicidal staying with BioMom. BioMom is not the "perfect mother" as she would have everyone believe. The timing was not great for DH and I - we had just gotten married and he lost his job a week after our wedding. He had found another job but it required a great deal of travel and I travel as well for work. So what do we do? Take care of just ourselves and our careers and leave a kid with a parent who's not fit? And how could I face myself down the line if something happened? We couldn't do it. We knew what was best for SD and so did she. Anita seems like she is considering this for her DH and for the child. And for that, I can only send her the best wishes and prayers.

My H and I had so many arguments about discipline and rules that I stepped back and let him do the parenting. ALL OF IT. I no longer do SS11 laundry, clean the guest room when he leaves or offer to keep him when H has to work (BM or MIL has to pick him up.) If my H wants to be the fun parent, he also has to be the responsible parent.
Unfortunately, SS has his own set of rules set by my H. Our BD's have another set of rules set by us. Not an easy situation.

You can't give the power to a 14 year old. They may think they are old enough to make decisions but in my case not even close.

I am a firm believer in choices have consequences. BS16 wanted to live with biodad and I gave him the choice and because of the lack of parenting he almost failed the 9th grade. He came back to me because he had no choice. Biodad didn't even argue. He looked at it as he was know free to be the "fun" parent.

You're absolutely right there Cruella. Bio parents need to see when the children are manipulating them and take action. The sd is obviously playing one set of parents off against the other when she's not getting things her way. By allowing her to dictate who, when and where she is living is just ridiculous and should not be tolerated by anyone.

A united front will surely show her that boundaries and rules are there to be followed and that no amount of tantrums or threats will work. Make dh deal with this now, or else this little madam will grow up into a horror. I speak from personal experience on this one. Good luck.

Cruella and Janey - I think you guys are right about the manipulation. In my case, it wasn't SD manipulation, which is why I have taken the stand I have. BioMom has actually tried to manipulate SD about moving back with her, so she doesn't have to pay us child support (which is really sad) but SD knew she'd do better with us. And is doing better with us. She's lived with us for over 1 year now, and we all had to adjust. (I'm still adjusting!!! Ugh) Anita - if you feel that this is just a manipulation ploy then don't fall for it. But if you think this girl has seen the other side, - she lived with her mom and got even worse, and is asking to come back to where she knows it is tougher to live... I don't know. I guess that would deserve your consideration.

I have BTDT. We simply told them you can walk out that door if you dont like it here but you cant come back to live only to visit. When they realized that we meant business and we werent going to play the puberty games they got over themselves.

Anita, think about this before you have a life wreck. The kd has been in the streets turned loose for the last year so how do you think its going to turn out when she suddenly has someone in charge of her?

"skipping school (over 100 missed classes people!), smoking and drinking amongst other things. She got into a fight with BM over not be gracious enough (no surprise there considering that BM taught them not to be thankful but entitled)."