New here
I really needed a place to vent and someone told me about this site. I've just begun reading the forums. Here's the skinny on me: I'm in my 30s and have 2 kids: 12-yo BS and 13-yo SD. I live with my partner of 2 years. My BS is with me every other weekend and one day each week plus vacations. SD lives with us full-time and her other parent is not in her life.
There is a lot of background that I probably won't get to in this first post, but suffice it to say that lately I'm just really depressed about SD's attitude and actions. I feel like my partner and SD are too enmeshed and co-dependent. My SD resents me and I'm sure views me as the evil step-mom who has taken away her only parent's time and attention. SD is plenty old enough to be home alone but many times refuses to stay home alone and then puts on the "sad" act so that she can go with us when we're trying to do things together. I feel she is very manipulating but my partner doesn't see it. I was so frustrated with a situation that happened today in which I wasn't able to go somewhere with everyone that I was home crying. I feel that kids' needs should come first. Then, I feel that parents' needs should come next, then both kids' and parents' wants. When it comes to SD, I feel like my partner always puts SD's needs AND wants before my needs. I end up feeling like I come in last and it's very depressing and frustrating. I know it has to do with a difference we have in parenting philosophies and I try not to take it personally, but that only goes so far.
SD has come quite a ways in the past 2 years as far as being clingy and demanding my partner's attention 24/7. Now it's a bit more reasonable. I've demanded date night every week so that I have alone time with my partner, but that is often interrupted with phone calls/texts from SD. And then the sad act to make my partner feel guilty for leaving her. Then my partner actually goes so far as to try to make it up to her--I can see it happening even if she doesn't admit it. I feel that SD needs to realize she is not the center of the universe and that parents go do things together alone sometimes. She does everything she can to lay a guilt trip on my partner if we even go to the store alone.
Ok, enough venting for today. I've just vented to a friend, too, so I'm feeling a bit better. I'm going to be looking for a counselor in the near future to help me figure this blended family/step-parenting stuff out.
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Comments
Welcome!
I think having a date night just the two of you is a great idea. Is there a family member near you/in your town? I ask becuz maybe on date night you could have your and your partners phone off--to be really alone. Give SD the number of the family member she should contact if there is an emergency. An emergency is probably not going to happen but this would stop all the phone calls on your night.
Hopefully she will grow out of this soon. She is already 13 by 16 she should be happy to be home alone. She might even have a job by then. Hang in there!
Welcome to you....
I think gettingby's advice was good. Date night is a great idea. Hell, cut the phone off. SD is old enough to be at home for a couple of hours. It will not kill her.
She can call a family member or only call if it is an emergency. A lot of kids do that cause they know they can. She is hungry for attention and is jealous you are getting it.
Hello and Welcome!
Why didn't I think of date night. What a fantastic idea. Your first post and you have already given us an idea.
I wanted to ask you if your patner realises that his daughter plays him. If he does then that's great, then you two can try and work something out together, like the posts above of getting a family member to look after SD. If you partner doesn't see that his daughter is playing these games with him, then you may have a problem.
I do agree to hang in there. Like Gettingby said by 16 she'll be begging to have the house to herself.
Good Luck Hun.
date night
FH and I have had date night for the last 4 yrs, since our kids can pretty much take care of themselves and his younger ones are with the ex, NO calls are accepted. IF there is an emergency then they can call and leave a message.
couple of times I had to put my foot down cuz FH little princess would ring up like every 5 minutes.
So FH finally told her to stop and one time shut his phone off.
I think date night should be off limits to calls and have a special ring for emergencies??
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
good ideas
Thanks for the ideas about how to cut down on the phone calls/texts. When we're out together I want 100% of my partner's attention because I never get it. My son never calls if we're gone when he's at my house, but the SD seems to still want to be attached by the umbilical cord.
In answer to the person who asked if my SO realizes that the manipulation is going on, I would say yes and no. She realizes it's happening some of the time, but I think is oblivious the rest of the time. I'm getting ready to have a heart-to-heart about some of these issues and that is definitely something on my list of things to talk about.
If you have any realtives
If you have any realtives close, I'd actually leave her there for the night on date night. Then you'd have a real date night...at least maybe once a month. Because if she's like most kids she's all over daddy once he walks back in the door. MY BF's daughter is 14 and getting better the more she has social things to do. So I think it will improve once your 13 year old starts seeing friends more and when she starts dating. My BF's daughter use to be all over him when I was around...sometimes to the point that it made he and I very uncomfortable. But the older she gets the more that has ended and I guess she's maturing and getting use to Daddy having a friend. She should...she's known me for about 3 years now and we've been together for 5. Anyway...I think it will get better the older she gets.
Marriage is first
You and dh have to have a strong foundation in order for your relationship to survive.If you dont have that than everything else will fall apart.