I know it's why I did!

It wasn't b/c of BM for me though. (Of course indirectly it is b/c she burdened us all with this insanity.) But when SD rejected me with "YOU ARE NOT MY MOM YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" and treated me like a servant of convenience, I pulled myself WAY back from allowing myself to love her as my own.

In essence I responded to her fear and pushing me away, by going. Not very grown up, but we are human, this situation is unhealthy for us emotionally, and at some point we much allow our survival instincts to guide us.

And no problem if you wanna piggy back. I'll carry ya anywhere you wanna go

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

CG....you are sooo right on! I think, when I 1st started out w/SD's, I loved them unconditionally....really. But, after the 1st stab in the back at 9 (with the 1st one) I started to keep them at a distance so as not to be hurt again. Though over and over again, I put myself out there for them to stomp on my heart over and over. Now, I am much, much more reserved with both of them. I don't think I can emotionally handle another backstabbing from either of them. But, it's kinda like Zen said, mine just CANT help it. I used to think they were doing it deliberatley, but I now realize they arent. Maybe that changed the dynamic a bit?

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

Although I have honestly tried to be a part of their lives & extended the olive branch several times only to get kicked in the teeth, I have finally given up because it's so emotionally draining on me. So now I do exactly what they've been accusing me of all along - I push them away and disengage. It's very hurtful not being involved in their lives - as I said in a previous post, I feel cheated. I so much wanted to be a family with these girls but it's just not going to happen. And that saddens me. They really don't have much interaction with BM, so that's not the problem. Maybe it's just me...

i know for myself, i started out loving SD very much. she was little (only 1) when i met her and DHs kid, so how could i not? i threw everything into being her stepMOM...bathing her, feeding her, playing w her. she called for me when she needed something. she call me mom on a few occassions. she went to me before DH.

then one day her mother accused me of abusing her.

after that, i felt like the relationship was poisoned. her mother simply couldnt handle me being in her life and SD actually liking me there. SD told me that mama told her she cant love me...

so i disengaged. much to the disappointment of my husband, but in the end he understood that i needed to do what i needed to do. and that it wasnt bc i didnt love her. it was bc i DO love her. and i just couldnt take that pain again.

last visitation i had decided to try to be somewhat of that stepmom i used to. i watched her while DH had to work and instead of throwing in a movie so she wouldnt bother me, i played w her. we colored, i read to her, and i tried to stop viewing everything she does as annoying. i did have to put her in TO when she wouldnt listen, but i was not harsh about it. and the result? we had a good time. when DH came home and i left for a party, he said she talked nonstop about me...how she colored a pic for me and i for her, how i read to her, etc.

this change of heart came after a heart to heart w DH when i explained to him, thru tears, that my main reason for it was that i didnt want to put us at risk of BM and her backlash again. i did nothing to warrant it last time, so why would i be active in SDs life and risk it again? he told me that it didnt matter...bc he wouldnt let BM do that again and if it came down to BM starting shit bc of me taking care of SD, then so be it. he didnt want SD to suffer by my absence in her life anymore. bc she needs us. she needs me. her mother is nuts and we are her only hope of a stable influence in her life.

so, in a long winded answer to ur question, yes i do think fear makes us push the skids away. but i also am lucky to have an amazing husband, not one who guilt parents or treats me as second to kids. and a SD who is so young she will never know what it was like to have her parents together. i hope one day she doesnt start to hate me, but i do fear she will bc of BM. in the meantime, i will do the best i can.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

I love my stepson dearly, In the past 5 years I have been very dedicated to him and his problems, I included him as my own child, but the fact remains, he is not.

My dedication to him was an empowerment for BM, to hurt me. I disengaged also and my DH has noticed it. What the funny part is, that my ss has never noticed, because he just never cared,

I dont push him away, when he walks in our door, he is part of our family, but when he is with BM, ...not my problem.

Their are times that I really really dislike him, he looks just like his mother and has the same smug attitude, I feel like she is with us, but I've learned to forgive myself, its normal , I love him but I dont like him.

I know that if something happened between DH and I, I would never see SS again,

way back when I could treat ss as my son and he could treat me as a mom. At one point he even wanted to start calling me mom. But then something changed. I don't know if it was something Bm did or said or what. He has always been loyal to his mom no matter how crappy she made his life but after the change in him, he looked at me differently. As though I was a threat to his mom or something. We just kind of co-exist now. Sure, I still make rules and enforce them. I still cook his dinner and help him with his homework but it's not the same. It's more of a responsibility for me than a feeling of love. Dh says it's my fault, that I pulled away. I guess I did but I just found it really hard to feel love for ss when he treats me like I am the hired help and he doesn't have to do anything to contribute.
There are other issues at work too. Like I feel like I have to do all of the every day chores for ss's upkeep. Keep track of all of his activities and grades and Bm does nothing. Ss doesn't even get his work done when he's at her house for the weekend. Bm gets to be the fun one. She encouraged ss to join track. Of course, track interferes with some of ss's other activities and is going to be impossible for him to do. Well, guess who gets to tell ss that he can't possibly do track? Yep...me!
Plus ss and his attention problems are difficult. At least I guess that's what it is. I don't know at this point. His grades are good but it always feels like a struggle.
So for me, it's hard to get past all of the other crap to feel close to ss.

Dawn

What a great topic CG. I don't post often but have to this time. Yep, I definitely fit the mold and I think it's harder when you have partial custody or in my case primary custody. Do I love my SD's? Yes. But as I tell my husband "I choose to love them"... I think the unconditional part really maybe never happens the same as with a child of your own. There's just always something a little different. But I've tried really hard with my SD's. They've come a long way and the BM is better but I always do fear another 2 years like our first two years and I can't do that again. EVER.

We do give a lot as stepparents. We take care of other people's children and most times don't get anything back. Is it the kids fault? Not always. How many Biochildren constantly thank their parents for every little thing? The problems start when the kids start attacking like their BM's and even though we are adults and know where it's coming from, it hurts all the same. Just last month I busted my SD12 emailing lies about me to her mother. And I've had it with the pre-teen hormones and being treated bad in my own home so for once I snapped and snapped BIG TIME. In a family meeting with DH, me, SD12, SD7 and BD15 I made SD12 sit there until she could tell me why she did it. Many tears later (and after some strong scolding from her dad) she admitted that making up bad things about me is what gets her mom's attention. And she's desperate to have her mom's attention, especially at her age. So as much as I understand and feel sorry for her having a mom that's in and out of her life when it suits her, I'm still hurt and have disengaged a little more. Same thing happened with SD7 when she was 6 she told her mom I hit her and spanked her. Well, funny thing is I've never spanked. It's just my thing - I'm more of the SuperNanny fanatic with time out and occasional yells.

Anyway - It'd be nice if we didn't have feelings. I try and think "Ok, I'm the adult. Let it go." Truth is, it sucks all around... Just a tough situation which explains a lot of the 2nd marriage statistics.

I have disengaged as well. I have the attitude of i didn't lay down with their momma so it is not my problem. I used to love them unconditionally. I had them more than there mother did. Then all of a sudden she takes them back and its like she brainwashed them. I can't stand either one of his kids by his ex-wife. I told DH that they never acknowledge my presence until he tells them too. So i told him they will speak to me in a house where i pay the bills, after that they don't have to say shit to me and i won't say shit to them. I am not their mother and i don't want to be. They won't speak but will open up their mouths to ask me to buy them something if we go to the store. Whatever. I have feelings too.

Stupidity is an equal opportunity condition.

I agree too. When I first got involved with dh I opened my heart to them. At one point, I actually felt very warm and fond toward them but you can only be s*it on so many times before you turn away.

I feel responsible for them, will treat them fairly and will always make sure that their needs are met but that is really where it stops. I don't feel love towards them. I feel horrible saying that but it is honest. I did not want it to be this way and really went to great lengths to try and "blend" but got sick of feeling like I was the only one who seemed to think it was important. So as it stands now, dh deals with his and I deal with mine. Not what I was hoping for at all.