Need advice about disengaging from skid that lives with you full time
I am really consider disengaging from my SS17 who lives in my home. His manipulations, playing BM against DH, have backfired. We got a telephone call from the school yesterday saying that SS17 had been involuntarily committed to a psych ward because he is unable to cope with the pressures of life. In other words, he got his report card yesterday and realized that he screwed his grades up so bad that he lost his $100,000 scholarship.
I would really like to disengage but the problem is the DH has never taken responsiblity for the skids. Before he married me, his mother assumed all responsiblity for raising his kids. When he was married to the BM, she was a stay at home mom. I need to do this for sanity sake but don't think I can do this without having maritial issues. Does anyone have any good advice?
My skids are with us 50% of
My skids are with us 50% of the time. I disengaged about 1.5 years ago - its wasn't instant exactly. I had to do some things for my own sanity.
My skids are younger, but this is how I did it.
When skid asks question - a good answer is, mmm, I don't know, ask your father. or I am not sure, ask your father. This puts the responsibility onto the father, he makes the decision, you don't have to aka forced parenting.
Another answer is, what did your father say? Again forced parenting.
I also feel guilty taking care of myself, but I also have 2 bio children in this house 70% of the time, I am able to put them first guilt free so that is helpful - in other words, I stopped compromising and doing things only DHs way - I don't agree with his non parenting style, so I parent my kids the way I feel is the right way to parent kids.
Just because you marry a man with kids doesn't mean you are now the only one responsible to take care of his kid he brought into the world. I do what is asked, I no longer go out of my way to do extra - it was consuming me trying to please DH through his kids. No more. I have my own 2 kids to raise, I don't expect DH to do it for me, why should he expect me to raise his kids for him?
DH does spend time with SS17
DH does spend time with SS17 but at times, I feel that I have all the "heavy lifting." If I don't stay on top of this behavior, we won't have a house to live in because he is about the most destructive individual I have ever met. Also, it doesn't help that BM is a GU (Golden Uterus). She has fed SS17 full of c**p telling him stuff like SM has a good job. She should pay for "xxx." Poor baby, she doesn't love you like I do (even though she hasn't paid child support for years and doesn't acknowledge bdays or christmas. The b***h actually had the nerve to tell him that it is my responsiblity to pay. Makes my blood boil). How dare her tell you that you can't do "xxx" in your house ("Our" house is actually mine. I purchased it before I married DH and lived in it quite a while before DH and SS17 arrived on the picture. Furthermore, I would have never let my biokid do some of the crap this skid gets away with). How dare her scolding you for breaking the garage door (even though it cost $1000+ to fix). How dare her for scolding you for taking a light bulb out of the refridgerator (even though I stuck my finger in the open light socket and was almost electrocuted).
Sorry about the rant. I am so fed up with this s**t I can about scream. I just got back from picking his stuff from the guidance office that he left at school when he was taken to the hospital. Apparently, he had a heart to heart (in other words, a whinefest) with the guidance counselor about me not wanting to pay for his education. He started flipping out. She is the one that had him sent to the psych ward. I sat in the guidance office and had to explain that there was no money budgeted for this, that my DH, BD22, and SS19 were all in college/trade school and that SS17 would make 4 pursuing higher education. I am the only person working and there are just no funds to pay for a dorm for him to go off to school. Further, his parents (DH and BM) are responsible for funding his education and neither one are working at the moment. (DH was hurt very badly in a hit and run accident 2 years ago. He is being retrained because the accident left him disabled.) My SS17 is such a passive aggressive s**t. I am half tempted to change the locks on the house and throw his butt in the street when he turns 18.
Baby Doll, what you do is
Baby Doll, what you do is this: Take some time to figure out what your boundaries are (what you are willing to do, and NOT do, in regards to your skid). You also need to figure out what the consequences will be if your DH doesn't respect your boundaries. Then you sit him down ALONE, and lay it out for him. You explain why you are doing this, and what your boundaries are. Then you let him know that if he doesn't respect your boundaries, and enforce these boundaries on your skid, there are consequences. Let him know that your skid isn't YOURS, and that you do have a say in whether or not you interact with him as you are now. Then you politely tell him that You aren't his mother, or him, and that you will not hold your skid's hand all through life as they have done. Let him know that you have no desire to coddle someone else's kid while they sit back and allow the kid's crap to bring so much drama into your lives. Make sure you are strong in your convictions, too. Heaven's forbid that if it comes to it, you have to be ready to make those consequences a reality. If you don't, then you've shown them both that you are 'all bark and no bite.'
I disengaged from my sd. It was super easy for me to do, and thankfully my dh completely understands why I've done it. I will answer a question if its asked of me, but otherwise I just ignore her. If she starts stepping on my toes, I put her in check (and admittedly, I'm not tactful when I do it. I'm very blunt and, because she has made me hate her so bad, hateful to her when I do it.) immediately. I then tell her father that if he doesn't stop the madness, I will, and it won't be pretty.
I'm sure you can find a more tactful way to do the same thing. But disengaging has been the best decision I've made. I would be for you as well. Let BD handle his own kid. Dont' coddle him, and don't let your DH tell you that you are wrong because you won't.
I would like to add, that it sounds like my sd is the same way. Put your foot down and tell his father that from now on, YOU aren't going to deal with it. Next time the skid gets 'nuts', call his father and tell him he needs to come home and deal with his son, just like I did with my DH and his daughter. Stand up to your DH and tell him that you are NOT in ya'lls relationship to be the enforcer/caretaker/enabler, but rather you THOUGHT you were in the relationship out of love and mutual respect.
I dont' see how you've put up with it so long. I'd have marked me off an 'X' in the floor, and thrown a fit that would have made custer's last stand look like a love-in. Seriously.
I think disengaging from
I think disengaging from teens is really quite easy - once you've made your mind up to do so.
1. as others suggested - stop communicating with him. If he asks a question - "did you ask your father" is the standard answer. If he does NOT say hello when he walks into a room? you do not say hello.
Stop thinking of him as a child - he is a ROOMMATE. A really crummy one and a sponge - but no more than if you had rented out the bedroom to a total stranger.
2. Stop using your money for more than necessities. Why would he EVER think YOU would be paying for his schooling? He has 2 parents that if they haven't planned for it - there are some things like Loans, Scholarships and *gasp* JOBS. Your money is being used to support your child and your husband and the household. Any more than that and you are being taken for a sucker.
3. Explain to your DH and the SS, that if he is going to continue to act like an a**hole, you will no longer allow him to live in YOUR home. And if he doesn't have a plan to move out on the day after his 18th bday or his HS graduation? You will give him one. (as in his stuff packed up and on the front porch that day)
4. Rinse and Repeat.
YOU do not have to suffer this kind of abuse. If it was a random stranger that was behaving this way towards you would you stick around and allow it to continue?
Good luck!
P.S. This is how I am managing life with my shittastic SS16. It isn't always easy but it keeps me sane and my bank account fat.
Thank you so very much for
Thank you so very much for your advice. I have had a heart-to-heart discussion with DH. When SS17 comes home tomorrow, his life will be radically changed. BTW: While he was in the psych ward, he accused both DH and I of physical and mental abuse which he later recanted. Unfortunately, the damage to our relationship (SS17 and I) is already done.
I told DH that I will no longer be subjected to SS17's mental and emotional abuse - manipulations, lying, playing BM/BD against each other, tearing our house up, and generally leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I come home from work, I will go straight to my room. When I need to or want to come out of my room, SS17 is to go to his room. I don't want to have anything more to do with him right now because I don't trust myself to be nice to him and he really doesn't want to hear what is going on in my head at the moment. It will be quite ugly.
Don't ask me for anything else for SS17 but the basics (food, clean clothing, and a place to sleep). Anything else will need to come from DH and his BM.
My mother in law is coming to stay with us to "babysit" SS17 until SS17 graduates from high school. When he graduates in 6 weeks, he is going to go live with his grandmother.
Psyco BM is to have no further communication with my minor SS. SS17's CPS case worker and I have agreed that this is in the best interest of SS17. The CPS case worker feels that BM instigated this s**t.
At any time between the time he comes home from the psych ward and the time turns 18 and moves out of grandmother's house he decides to pull any crap at all with any of the adults (DH, I, grandmother, my DH's stepfather) who are charged with his care, my DH and I have decided to move to plan 2.
Plan 2 is I will call my aunt who used to supervise a large state run group home 2 hours from our home for 100+ children and ask her to get involved with the placement of SS17 into such said home. My DH and I are done playing games with this skid.