I enjoy being a step parent for a lot of reasons. One of the first things that made me be able to fully love and trust my FH is seeing the type of parent he was for SD. Without her, I would have to wonder about this, as in my last relationship, I was very unsure of my partner's ability to parent. Now, I know FH puts his family first, and I can feel safe in that family.

I like having SD in my life. I like seeing that the ways I encourage her to grow and mature matter; I like seeing her learn things, and sharing my life experience with her. I look forward to her enthusiasm, and being a stepmom to her has allowed me to believe more in myself and my ability to parent. The priorities, rules and boundaries I set with her with FH as my partner, are healthy, safe and achievable. I believe I will be a good mom b/c of this.

As far as being a step parent, for me, it's meant assessing this young woman's life, and enriching it in every way I can. Being a special adult in her life who is not her mom, not her dad, but cares about her greatly without seeing her as "my child" I see her as HER. Listening to her without the biases of a parent, but with more concern than a friend, and giving her as many opportunities as I can to allow her to grow into the intelligent, well rounded person, and who she wants to be. Also acting as a mediator between the times when her wants and her dad's wants for her at not in alignment, and I can try to help find common ground between them that they can both live with.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

I have two monologues I wrote that sum up a great deal of it for me. I'll have to email them to you sometime. One was when I still felt like NS, like I was SD's champion against the evil BM empire. A few months after I wrote it, the games began between SD and myself. Or more likely I took off my rose colored glasses for the first time. It was written after the "YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!" altercation. At the time BM was out of town for weeks and I was the only consistent mom around her.

I feel like a walking contradiction. An oxymoron.

Heavy on the moron part at times, when I keep setting myself up time and time again.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

If I had a magic wand I would end my step-parent status. Those that think being a parent is the hardest job in the world have never been a step-parent. It is thankless, tiring, aggravating, heartbreaking, and has very few rewards (only reserved for the extremely lucky blended family with will and sacrific to make it work well).

It is an experience I would never, ever want to repeat and am only going through out of great love for the man in my life. If I loved him even a little bit less, being a step-parent would break me and the relationship.

I rarely even tell people I'm a step-parent because the baggage the phrase brings is too intense and not worth explaining to the un-initiated.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Like bh, if I only had a magic wand, I too would end being stepmom. I feel as tho the very life of me is being sucked out by H and his entitled SD17.

I've lost who I was, and am struggling so hard to get her back (school, job). I used to feel loved. I used to feel as tho I am a good person. I used to occassionally feel pretty, sexy. I used to feel intelligent and powerful.

No longer. And it's laid at the feet of H & SD17. I raised two sons - and never ever did parenthood make me feel valueless.

Stepparenting-without a supportive partner-is slow torture, IMO.

That's really the word that I have to define it. You start off with all these thoughts of how your new family is going to be. Everyone will live like the Brady Bunch. It's all roses and buttercups. The first time you get called by 1 am by BM you're shocked. You're even more shocked that DH allows her crazy behavior. Because let's face it....it takes us all years to get that straight! Then you are shocked the first time one of your step kids treat you like shit on the bottom of thier shoe. Then you are once again shocked by the lack of discipline DH gives that step kid for treating you in such a manner. You are shocked by the lack of rules, and the babying these kids get. I think alot of dads really feel guilty for getting together with someone else. It's guilt parenting, we know it. But it still sucks to get DH to understand that! You are shocked that when you extend a helping hand to the BM you get it bitten off.

It's shocking, every part of it.

For me though, it got good. The first year or two was really hard, I didn't understand alot of what was going on. I felt left out, hurt, and avoided alot. But now my life and my family are great. We parent together, and we love our kids together. He's a great dad, and tells me I'm a great mom. To make things better, I have my SD14 that loves me like I'm her mother, when really I've only known her for 3 years. It's gotten good!! You really can love a kid that isn't your own, like they are your own.

The best and funniest thing I've ever heard anyone say was Crayon when she posted something about SK's sleeping with the parents in the bed. She said "They all huddle up to make it through the night hiding together from the evil step mother" OMG I laughed so hard!!!! But that's pretty much how you feel about it.

There have been very few bright spots in my eight years as a custodial stepmom. BM checked out a long time ago, so she is not involved at all and lives in another state, but her legacy lives on in her daughter. SD18 is lazy, defiant, surly and manipulative, like her mom. Always has been. The apple certainly doesn't fall far from the tree.

I have done everything I can to be a good role model and parent, but the odds were stacked against me from the beginning.

I have stayed in the marriage due to my love for my DH. W/O SD, I'd have a lot more money in the bank, and a lot fewer wrinkles!

I hate it and stay just for the love for my hubby and wait til SS turn 18. Bm who are not stepparents themselves have NO clue!

I so agree with brutallyhonest!!
if your in a realationship were your going to be a step parent RUN!!!
because when you do have children of your own it's only going to get harder. THen you will make yourself stay in it because you want what is right and best for your own child.
THen you will recent your husband because the BM and SK needs are being meet before you and your child. and then it is your marraige. it's seems like it's never one family, but more like three

you and your child
dad
BM and SK

I hate it, I hate the feeling. I get jealous when I see a mom dad and THERE kids. They look so happy.
'My SD and her BM have changed who I am and who I will be in the future."
I agree, MY SS and his BM changed who i am and I feel like a monster!!the BM knows how to push my buttons and I take it out on my own family.

"I rarely even tell people I'm a step-parent because the baggage the phrase brings is too intense and not worth explaining to the un-initiated."
Yep!! soooooo agree!!

"My definition is that being a SM is the hardest parenting job there is. Much harder than being a BM. "

so agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it were not for my beautiful child, I would regret ever meeting my husband only because of BM and SD. I love him with all of my heart but it is so hard to be happy when you have everything stacked against you. I feel like I am constantly trying to keep BM and SD happy while DH gets the worst of me because I exhaust all of my energy towards them. Even though SD and I get along great, I feel like I have to constantly entertain and do things for her. She never thanks me for what I do. BM thanks me in words but her actions rule it out every time.

If anyone ever asked me for advice on dating/marrying someone with a child, I would tell them to RUN. far far away! I am 24 years old and used to have so much life in me. I used to be so happy and in love. Now I am a bitter "old" woman who has given up. I have decided however, that if this situation ever starts to hurt my son's life, then I am out. I will not be the BM who keeps her child away from his BF.

Its like babysitting someone elses child while the parent is still in the room.

Its like being a third party in your home when SD is there. I lose my husband to a great extent when she is there.

Every good thing, every hug, every bright smile I get from SD8, I cherish, but have learned to do so only in the moment because I know that tomorrow she may be rude, disrespectful and thankless.

My Husband pays exorbitant child support and alimony. I work and am away from home for 11 hours a day. My husband doesn't pay me. I resent it. I don't expect him to pay me, that's not the point. I resent that we work hard and BM gets so much of his money even though we have SD8 over 50% and DH agreed (volunteered) to pay 100% of ALL expenses for SD8. I resent that she works only part time.

I feel comfortable when in control. Its my nature. However, I have had to change my whole personality because I have control over so very little. I'm sure I mutter to myself at least once a day: "Not my kid, not my problem".

Being a Sm for me has been very challenging. It has nearly ruined my relationship with my DH and even my own BD's get so frustrated that they could scream.

Most of you know I have 2 SD's. My husband has full custody but the oldest is in college.

I think that being a SP could be easy or hard depending on you and your spouses relationship. RIght now being a SM for me has been the most difficult job in my life. I feel that every day, I hurt, I feel my heart race, I feel so unappreciated.
My husband is one that feels sorry for his girls because their mom is bi-polar and has had very very little contact with the girls... maybe twice to ten times a year depending on her mood swings. I stay angry alot at husband and BM because of how they both parent and what I am left to fill.

But then again, I feel like I was put in this position for some reason, but I cant figure out why because my life is being sucked away and I dont smile anymore. I continue to search for my answer and maybe one day I will see the good in this.

But in my situation if my husband were ALOT more attentive my feelings of SM would probably change for positive thoughts and if we only had EOW visits (gee was that mean).

I have a kid as well. I enjoy it. We all get along well. There only minor issues at the beginning when we moved in together after getting married.

But that all cleared up.

MY ONLY ISSUE is the DANG BM

I went into this very open-minded because my family embraces everyone, related or not. I used to compare my four nieces to a pack of puppies. You could add one or more kids to the "pack" and everyone got along and played together great. My sister is a foster parents and we have welcomed all of those kids with open arms. So, when SD came along, I thought things would be the same. WRONG!

What I have discovered through this journey is that DH is not the man I thought he was when I married him. Not that he's a bad man, just very weak when it comes to SD. And that has caused significant problems in our marriage and precluded any chance of me having a relationship with SD. So, while I tell my friends not to marry a man (or woman) with kids, I think it CAN work with the "right" partner.

Right now, I really don't mind it although it has it's pro's and con's. The skids are still pretty young and they really are good children. The only thing I really dislike is the BM. But I don't deal with her at all, I just have to hear about her crazy, selfish behavior which makes me soooo freakin angry! I refuse to have anything to do with her, I do not talk to her...ever. I refuse to even answer the phone when she calls because the sound of her voice makes my blood boil.

There have been some trying moments with the skids and some very trying moments with the BM situation and I'm not going to say that I haven't wondered if I wouldn't have been better off finding someone who didn't have kids. Mainly, a couple arguments DH and I have been in over my BS and the skids. I parent a little differently than he does but we are working on that and we do have an open communication line.

SD10 is starting to get more attitude lately and I think she might be hell on wheels in a few years so my thoughts and feelings may very well change. We shall see. I am committed to BF and his children though, and we are both committed to making things work.

Do it all over again??? NO THANKS, its being a mom but having all these conditions and factors that fall into it, its not unconditional....

ITs like being invited to a party late so you can stay and clean the mess.

They call it STEP,, cause your always getting stepped on...
Stepmom
a women who falls for a man with children, decides that love will conquer all , wakes one day to find a BM, and an ungratefull child, smack in the middle of her life,
and a husband that thinks a child from his sperm cannot possibly do any wrong.
Carol Brady...should write the true story.

Just popped in to answer this for you, since you told me about it in your email.

I love being a stepmother. I love my stepchildren... even the one that's not my husband's biological child. Even the two exceptional ones that come complete with problems I can't even begin to number. Even with BM, who's made my life hell, but with whom I have been able to find some common ground and establish a working relationship that benefits all of us. It's been difficult, sure, but also very rewarding. I have learned so much and grown a lot. For all the negative experiences here and there, it has been a very positive one for me overall. Whatever struggles we've gone through have been worth it, especially when I see how happy my husband is when we're all together and enjoying each other. It's been a long, hard road to travel, don't get me wrong, but I have no regrets. I'm glad I stuck it out. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

again. I love my DH with all my heart, but if he were to die, I would never do it again. Billions of dollars would not convince me to go back to the hair pulling, the emotional wear and tear, the angry tears, the psychotic BM's, and the spoiled rotten skids. I cannot and will not put myself through any of that ever again.

Maybe... hopefully it will be different... but no matter what... this is the first and last time I will ever be a stepmom.

"ITs like being invited to a party late so you can stay and clean the mess."

Isn't that the truth 99 percent of the time.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Some days being a SM is fabulous. Some days are like walking death. Most days are somewhere in the middle. I love my Hubby to distraction, but he can drive me insane. I love my skids, but some days I just want to hide from them. BM is like some sort of horrible cancer that sometimes goes into remission but always comes back. If I lost Hubby I would never put myself in this situation again. However, for him, because I love him, I endure often being an unpaid babysitter with no real power, being the last person consulted about plans and pretty much the least important person in the household when the skids are here. But it is also an evolving process. I have hopes that it will get better, because it has slowly but steadily gotten better as time goes on. Well, at least my relationship with Hubby and the skids keeps growing. The BM, on the other hand, is like an ice pick in my eye, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

I heard a quote once that likened stepmothers to guardian angels. I think I could agree with that. But I'm lucky. I get treated for the most part with respect. I got my little claws into them while they were still quite young and after they met me and got to know me...they loved me anyway.

I have three SDs who have fulfilled a little part of me. I am the BM to two boys and thought that a chance at parenting a girl was obsolete. Instead I get to be a mother figure to THREE girls. I get to do the girly things I didn't think possible.

BM is the downside but I also accept that she is an integral part of it all. Once I figured that out and know that she is in my life as a constant regardless, I was able to move forward. She's highly imperfect...but then again so am I.

I am not always appreciated for the extent of what I actually do or have gone through for those little girls. Then again, it's not so far off to the appreciation deficiency that comes from my OWN children.

I've been a primary custodial stepmom and I've been an every other weekend stepmom and now a 50/50 visitation SM. (BM is bipolar, and we're going with the flow here...) I love the 50/50. It's the perfect amount of time with the girls and a perfect amount of time WITHOUT them.

Life is good.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Though I am StepDad to my SS, I am a parent (Dad) regardless of my lack of genetic participation in his existence.

As a StepParent I have no rights or official standing but I am expected to care for the well being of any child (Step or Bio) in my sphere of responsibility. So, I am just Dad.

His Mom and I married before SS turned 2yo, so I have been the only full time Dad he has ever known. He sees BioDad a total of ~7wks per year spread between Summer/Christmas/Spring Break.

I believe my SS said the best perspective on what a StepParent is that I have ever heard.

When he was ~8yo he returned from a 5wk summer visitation with BioDad and the BioPaternalFamily concerned about a comment made by his BioPaternalGrandMa (BPGM).

BPGM had told my SS that I was not his real Dad, I was just his StepDad. Since we have never used the term "Step" in our home other than when explaining our relationship to outsiders, BPGM's comment bothered my SS.

He asked "What is a StepDad?" I gave him the clinical explanation of the difference between Step and Bio Dads (one is married to his Mom and the other made him with his Mom). Then I went on to tell him that I did not feel he needed to worry about BPGM's comment because a Dad is someone who loves he and his Mother very much, works hard every day so the family has a safe place to live, good schools to attend, plenty of food to eat, save transportation, coaches his sports teams, attends his school functions, teaches him to ride his bike, reads to him every night and tucks him in to bed.... whether that Dad is a Step or Bio.

His response "Sounds like a StepDad is just a real Dad to me." Then he went outside to ride his bike with his buddies.

Sooooo ..... I am a StepDad. I enjoy being the man who sets the example of what a real man is. Dedicated, committed, faithful, involved, caring, loving, and present. A parent is not a buddy, a parent is a confidant, advocate and disciplinarian. A StepParent is all of the these things. I strive to be these things for my son (SS) every day..... I am just a Dad.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

At first, I warmly welcomed the new additions to my life. I enjoyed getting to know the skids and really enjoyed having them around. I was beginning to feel very fond of them and thought that they were really neat. They seemed to take to me too and slowly, we were all starting to form a relationship and I really liked it and them too. Sadly, over the 5 1/2 years with dh, my opinions have chaged dramatically.

The reason for this change you ask? Dh. I can't stand the bias and favoritism when it comes to the skids. He allows them to act in ways that I cannot accept and God forbid anyone tell them "no" or tell him that they are less than perfect. Why is he so blind when it comes to the skids you ask? Why would any responsible, loving parent condone such bullshit? Heck if I know. I am still trying to get this one. I have built a wall of resentment were I once had a garden of fondness.

I actually thought that dh and I were going to work TOGETHER to build our family and provide a stable and warm environment for ALL of the kids. Imagine that. I don't feel so hopefull anymore...

It was OK at first -- ups and downs. Now that they are adults, it sucks. I've been through a ton of crap in my life and being a stepmom to my SDs has been the worst experience of my life. It's heartwrenching...and my self-confident self has even had thoughts of suicide over things these girls have said and done. When I look into my future, I see DH and me having to justify everything we do to these brats and then when my DH dies (I pray every night I go before him), then I'll deal with the greedy girls over money and everything that goes with that mess. The only reason I'm still with DH is my boys...that's it. I love him dearly and my boys ADORE their dad so I would never split that up. But the baggage he brought into this marriage is TOXIC. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

The good is my SD16 she is an awesome kid - and I don't get to see her that much so maybe that helps :). Only about 6 times a year. The bad and the ugly would be BM. I get chills going up my spine just thinking about that crazy women. If FH and I were ever to break up I don't think I would EVER date a man with kids under 25 - and even then I would have to evaluate the kids and how the act with dad!!!

In the beginning I forged a connection with SS. We were buddies. I have been there when his BM wasn't. He has shattered that. He treats me everyday with disrespect. Makes faces at me, cuts me down etc. I have protected my skids against their BM. She has lied, cheated, and manipulated them. All I did was do for them as my own, and I have been condemed for that. You think if my ex pulls some BSH*t with my Biokids that I won't make him answer for it. You damn right I will. At least my kids know their mom will stand up for them to anyone. That's what a mom does, right? DH has never made BM answer for anything. He just says "That's the way she is." Always excusing her. It flat out pisses me off. My DH puts his and BM's parental duties on me. SD is just like her mom, a victim of everything. One day SD can be the most caring child and the next she's a manipulator, just like her mom. As far as I'm concerned they can both go live with their precious mother. Why should I have to raise 2 ingrates that aren't even mine? Isn't a man suppose to protect his wife against anyone? Not in my case. Always excusing BM and Skids. I think I need to give it up. Does anyone think love can be strong enough to hold two people together? I use to believe that. Afterall I've been through nothing has changed. It's always promised but never amounts to anything. I hate my life as a stepmom and his wife. I hate the ex bitch. I can hardly stand the skids. I think my HB is a coward. What kind of life is that? I can't pretend to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I'm a good mom damn it. I'm a good wife. Why can't my family see that? I'm tormented everyday with the question, Did I make the right choice, do I continue to put on my smiley face???????

If I had a choice I think I would rather have a root canal done on every tooth without any anesthetic.

Someone in one of the above message said it is responsibility without getting any appreciation/respect. See a nanny/babysitter gets paid (monetary form of appreciation). A parent (bio) gets love and usually respect. A stepparent gets the responsibility of influencing/raising this child. Teaching her how to become an adult, how to deal with the world and be successful. Then at the end of the day the stepparent gets abused (usually an influence from one of the bioparents - creating enough guilt within the stepchild that they cannot and will not build any loyalty to the stepparent - in the fear of alienating the bio parent). The feeling this creates in me is bitterness. It is very difficult to show someone love over and over again, do for them over and over again and each time be rewarded not with appreciation or respect but with hatefulness, snideness and disrespect. Only a crazy person would keep it up - and a step parent is not sane.

When I first met DH he was mentally healthy & my skids were adorable. The kids themselves are pretty good but between my bipolar husband & his controling, stupid ex wife I have had it. If I could walk away w/o being ruined financially & have to fight over custody of our son I would. I could never trust my son alone with my husband on eow. Last Saturday I got to sleep in for a change & he got up with our toddler. I was woken up by the sound of my husband SNORING downstairs as he " watched" our son. The lazy asshole fell asleep the first time in months that I got to sleep in past 6 or 7 am.

I think that my user name about sums it up! LOL..Step parenting is the most unenjoyable, frustrating, irritating, and draining experiance of my life..It's left me with feeling nothing but disgust for the entire situation. If I would have known when I met my husband what I know now..I would have run for the hills the instant he asked me out to dinner the first time..

I will never get involved with a man who has children ever again. Too many of them are not looking for a partner, wife, or a mate, they are looking for a free and built in maid, personal assistant, and day care provider..It's not worth it..

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

That is what my stepmom experience has been like for me. The "original part" was broken, so my DH had me become the "replacement", so I could mother the kids the way he wished his Ex would do, but was to crazy and did not care about her kids to even try. I have denounced the "throne" of motherhood to those kids, and have taken my life back, bit by bit. I'm glad to still be with my DH, but I will never allow anyone to ever put me in her (fat-ass) shadow again.!!!"~waiting on the world to change~"

I think that from reading most of the posts, the majority regret it. A lot depends on the biological parent you've married. This guilt parenting can kill the relationship. All I needed was the BM, my wife, to scold her son when he was disrespectful to me our the property. I knew kids would be kids, teens would be teens, BUT the adult had to be the parent. When they act as a friend and are afraid to hurt the feelings of their child before their partner it leads to resentment and disrespect for all.

Another dependent is dealing with the ex and it seems most StepMoms here can't deal with the BM and their husbands putting up with their craziness.

I lost the woman I loved due to her coddling her child, but I am much better now and would never do it again because it can start out great, but it can quickly change and all the love in the world won't overcome feeling of being alone in your own home.

Is difficult. My OWN BS (24) has been just as awful to me, if not MORE, as the adult SDs have been.

I think it's the inconsistency that gets me. If every event could be as harmonious (a few incidents, but NOTHING like in the beginning) as the past Christmas holiday, I would be fine.
But, once the "neediness, daddy daddy" monster, rears its ugly head, I just wish I could be GONE.

Detaching and getting on with your OWN concerns works with Skids as well as Bio Adult kids!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

i think ur experience highly depends on the other parties involved, specifically DH and BM, and so the definition is further defined by them as well. if u are lucky enough to have a DH who supports u, puts u and the marriage first, does not guilt parent, does not act to appease the ex, does not have inappropriate relationships w his children, AND u have a BM who recognizes what an integral part of her kids lives u are, respects that role, DHs life w u, the kids life as part of ur family, HAS BOUNDARIES WHICH DH ENFORCES, and acts accordingly, then being a stepparent can be an extremely rewarding experience. (like NS and others) if youre not lucky enough to have either of these, it can be the hardest and worst experience of ur life. i know that i would not do this for anyone else other than DH and the fact that i do is an EXTREME testament to my love for him. all my life i said id never date a man w kids, i knew i coudlnt handle it, and i ended up marrying one. he is also the only father ive ever dated, so ive definitely made an exception for him.

for me, stepping is not so black and white as many here. i dont have a love or hate relationship. i can say that at times i have felt like each and every one of u who responded here--the good AND the bad. and i feel alot of u have summed it up perfectly. shocking was just one excellent definition. (way to go, stepmomjen!)

my feelings about being a SM are greatly different for each of my stepkids, so thats why i say that i feel it is greatly defined by the other parties involved. for example, i like being a SM to SS15, who DH has custody of, lives w us, and whose BM leaves us alone. the only way my feelings would turn to love was if DH was more like me discipline wise, and i felt more confortable and more in control of SS's behaviors. for example, i think stricter rules should be enforced and stricter consequences, esp w school, but since DH doesnt, i cant overstep. and this is only bc i love SS and want to see him succeed. DH goes easy on him, not due to guilt parenting, but bc he grew up w a VERY strict, borderline abusive dad and doesnt want to be that way. DH does ask for my opinions, listens to my advice, has changed and gotten better bc of me, values me as a partner, and for that i am blessed. DH is a dream.

SD3...*sigh* i feel my relationship w her has been poisoned by BM and her allegations of abuse and all the undue stress she has caused us. if it werent for all we've gone thru in the last year w her, i think i would feel better about the whole situation. its hard for me bc BM literally lied and trapped DH was SD, and i harbor resentment on so many levels. so all the harassment, court visits, allegations, CS, fights, name calling and so on, have not helped to foster a good relationship w SD. BM also does the bad mouthing to her, she started it at the age of 18 mos when SD told me that momma told her she cant love me so to her, its so heartbreaking being her SM. BM has treated me like shit and like i have no business w her child, has actually told me such and gone so far as to BAN me from even picking her up at daycare bc she simply cant handle my existence. from day one, she has made my life a living hell. i resent all i go thru, all DH and even SS have gone thru bc of BM and SD. i hate the way shes raising her. and even though we try, we have little influence on her only 4 days a month. its also very difficult for me to separate SD from BM...she is nothing like DH. after all Bm has put us thru, and what an UGLY person she is, i cannot for the life of me understand why DH was ever w her in the first place. his reasons are very sad. basically, he describes his time w her as the lowest of his life bc BM is such an awful person, this causes soooo many fights between us. i honestly feel that our lives would be perfect w/o all that drama.

its strange for me to think that i have NO problem being SM to a teen who lives w us FULL TIME, yet i hate being a SM just EOW to SD. i disengage as much as possible, try to leave my house bc i feel like shes a little invader. shes just a walking reminder to me of his awful past and all the hurtful things we've gone thru bc of it. i try to get over it all but i cant and its so hard. it makes me feel like an awful person, and a bad wife sometimes i wonder if i can make it thru the next 15 years...i honestly know that for anyone else, i wouldnt even try. if i stay and try to be a good stepmom, DH and i just end up fighting, and i dont want that, for us OR for SD. so i feel its better if i just leave. DH said the other day that he wants me to be a part of SDs life and to have a relationship again, but honestly, im afraid to after what BM has done. i tried taht and BM just shit all over it. why would i put myself thru it again?

*sigh* so i guess i feel being a stepparent is just so very vague and something that is controlled more by the other parties and less by u.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Thought I could make a difference to three young girls whose own BM was totally failing them.

At the time I first came into the picture, they were 13, 11 and 8 and BM had gone "off the reservation" and into self-serving mode. Her new motto was, "Don't you want me to be happy?" So I jumped in because they were always suffering. And I never bad-mouthed BM. I just always did what needed to be done, because it was the right thing to do.

And what did I get in return? A BM who constantly bad-mouthed be to the girls, filling their heads with nasty & ugly lies about me. And they all believe them. Because MOMMY would never lie to them, would she????

And I also got criticized (behind my back) for the things that I did do for them as well. Their laundry wasn't done to their specifications. The food I cooked wasn't exactly what they wanted. I didn't buy the "right" snacks for them. Never mind all the things I DID do for them- those weren't appreciated. I was "scary". (oh yeah, I'm big and scary- that's why I was a kindergarten teacher for years and also currently teach 5th grade religion classes. I'm REALLY scary around kids!) IT was always how I fell short.

Never again. I hate it. I absolutely love and adore my DH, but...never again.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

that I wouldn't do it again but being a step parent wouldn't be my first choice.

After 8 years of officially being a step parent, it's not any easier. Some things get easier but then other problems take their place.

The ever present, evil Bm, is probably the biggest draw back of being a step parent.

It's just not very fun at all. There is rarely the "big happy family" thing happening. We tried in the beginning but now I've disengaged from some things for my own sanity.

Dawn

Step parenting is an experience which tests our physical and emotional boundaries. It puts us in situations in which we must ignore or quash our own parenting instincts. We are constantly reminded and at times forced to accept the fact that these children are not our own and no matter how well-intentioned our actions or words may be, or how much experience or knowledge we might have, in many instances we are not allowed to exercise our own discretion in terms of how the children are raised or even how we act around them. Discepline, priveledges, rules, punishments, food, hygeine, clothing, etc. are things which we may be allowed to give our opinion on but ultimately will be decided by the "real" parents - a reality which is often harshly rubbed in our faces with or without realization by the biological parents of the children. And in a lot of cases, you're having to deal with all this AND a crazy, jealous, hateful ex-wife.

I believe that in the right situation step-parenting can be an extremely rewarding experience. I love my own step-mother, and consider her to be more of a mother than I ever had. But many if not most of us are not that lucky.

Being a step-parent is being slammed into a family which already has its own structure, dynamic, and rules. As much as you try to change things, or think you know best, most of the time you have to learn to accept them how they are. If you go into step-parenthood thinking, "things aren't that great now, but I know I can change it all for the better," you are setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache.

Many step-parents are blindsided by the harsh reality of what being a step-parent really means. We go into it with a picture of sunshine and happiness in our heads...of love and acceptance. You picture a smiling family portrait with you, your spouse, and your step-child(ren). I've been with my BF for five years...we have yet to get a family portrait.

Now, having said all that...It is hard, it is disappointing, it is emotional...but I love it. I love it because I love my BF. I do not, however, love his ex-wife...and I could stand to do without her.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

It sure makes me appreciate my own kids a lot more. It's hard to feel or want to feel like a "parent" when you are totally ignored and treated with disrespect by an SK. It's hard to mesh with someone who was raised totally different then you raised your own kids. After all there was a reason I raised my kids the way I did, I didn't want them to turn out to be selfish, self-centered and rude. And suddenly I am faced with living with someone who is all of those things and who despises me as well...oh well one day she will move out, she will move out, she will move out...

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

is how I feel about being a stepparent. I came from a big family, with stepkids, stepparents, stepgrandparents, you name it, we had it. I never expected anything like what I've been through in the last 20 months. My SD17 & SD21 have no respect for me (or their father)and have always treated me like an outsider. They and DH accuse me of being cold and unloving towards them. Anytime I've tried (and believe me, I've tried) to interact with them they pretty well made it clear that I'm their dad's wife. Not once have they ever referred to me as their stepmother. Granted, I don't have any kids of my own, which the SD's constantly remind me - just tons of nieces & nephews that I love spending time with. But just because I don't have bio kids doesn't mean that I couldn't be a good parent.

I truly was looking forward to all the girly mother-daughter stuff with the SD17 - shopping, hanging out, etc., etc., and since SD21 was a little older, becoming friends with her(neither SD has a good relationship with their BM) but after almost two years, I've pretty much given up on that idea. It tears me up inside and I'm afraid I am becoming more hardened because I do feel so cheated. I'm a very loving and giving person, and after so long of being mistreated and left out, it's very upsetting.

I was so excited about SD because I have no kids of my own. She loved me up until we got married, but it has gone steadily downhill from there. DH and I have tried for years to do all kinds of things for her, to make our own little family of us and give her what I consider a normal childhood, where she is prepared for the real world, but now I refuse to contribute anything to our relationship, because she and BM are just using DH, standing there with their one hand constantly out to DH and a knife in the other hand to stab in our BACKS publicly. To our face all has been suck up until we have called them out on SD behavior.

My SD wrote lies about her DH on the internet, then invited my family as her 'friends' to read it. She claims to remember situations that happened before she was born. She has no problems using my DH then talking shit about him and thinks that is what he deserves, because her mom divorced him after cheating on him, beating on him, you name it. I am the only one who has ever put limits on this kid and then got DH to use his backbone to do it, so they hate him. Oddly SD claims to love me, but hate her own dad. But at least their hand is not in my wallet any more except for court ordered child support.

I feel cheated but more I feel DH has been and will always be cheated out of being a dad to his only child, because BM is bitter. Never mind BM's arrest record for assaultS and DUI-S, her bankruptcieS, her foreclosureS, her being 'blackballed' from getting a good job, etc., DH is the cause of all 'their' problems, because SHE divorced HIM 13 YEARS AGO. BM has called us 5 or more times asking us to take SD because SD is out of control, but then reneges when she realized would have to give us custody, therefore giving up her only paycheck, child support. BM is cheating SD out of having a parent by trying to be SD's 'friend' and co-hort, when SD is flunking school, always has, and is now sexually active with the worst thugs you can imagine.

I feel a step-parent is ideally a help to the child, if the child's mom will let them. I would not trade my experience for anything because it was good for a long time. I feel I and DH have done the best we can, and the rest is up to SD, ONLY. I have a bad feeling for SD's future, but we are not allowed any influence with her, so she will have to reap the results of what she is sowing. And that makes me very sad.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

I became a "stepmom" when the skids were in their 20's so it's meaningless. They have made it clear that I have nothing to offer them.

I am a college-educated, funny, smart, confident woman. I have raised 2 children. I have freed myself from one horrendous marriage. I have experience and I have resources. But as far as the skids are concerned, I have nothing to offer. And that's exactly what they are now getting from me -- nothing!

Being a stepmom is a JOB. I have to do all of the things that REAL parents do, but I don't have that deep undying love for my stepson the way that bioparents do for their biokids. It takes SO much of the "joy" out of it. It feels more like work and I get very little satisfaction out of it.....I have to say that I, personally, would do it again because I am so in love with my husband - but you better be with a man that you feel you can't live without, a real "soulmate", because anything less than that and I can't imagine that your marriage will last. Without a DOUBT, being a stepmom is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. by the way, I am a full time stepmom, my ss6 lives with us, so I don't get breaks on the weekends...biomom is barely in the picture...I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder, because I really don't have to deal with her very much, which is nice, but she's not around to take on ANY of the parenting duties....I think if I had it to do over I might seek some counseling BEFORE becoming a sm to prepare myself for the job.

is how I feel about being a step-parent. I would rather give myself a home colonoscopy without anesthetic WEEKLY than be a step-parent. I wish I would have know how much it sucks, although I love my H so much, I would have married him anyway. That's how big of a sucker I am.

It has its rewards and I feel good knowing how much I mean to my skids and being able to provide them with a stable, happy home life (well, for half the time). They also get to see what a loving, healthy and respectful relationship looks like and I know that will help them with their own future relationships. So, it has it's good points, but mostly it just sucks. The drama with the BM is probably the worst and feeling totally and completely unappreciated is also not super. I feel like no one understands how hard it is to be a step-parent (except for all you awesome people!), we are very isolated and society, our friends and even family have no clue.

"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

I am a step parent to 3 great children. Being a step parent means that I look after their best interests; sometimes that means putting their needs above my own. I try and raise them as best I can. I tuck them in at night, I discipline them, I help with homework, I respect them and I love them. I have had a very difficult time with BM who is incredibly threatened by me and has repeatedly told the kids that she hates me (though she has never met me). The kids are super confused by that and are asking how she can hate someone she doesn't know. Hate goes against everything we teach a child. They are not programmed to do it. Now one child is very sick because of the mental stress of the divorce and because her mother won't let her discuss what we do at our house, won't let her talk about me and cries if they do. She makes them keep secrets and tells them that if they tell she could lose them. The poor kids are super confused and torn by it all. Now that one child is very sick with anxiety and depression (can't even go to school), I decided to take matter into my own hands and wrote BM a letter asking that we put our differences aside for the sake of the kids. They have no control over any of this but we, as adults, do and we need to step up. I asked her to bring her bf and meet with FH and I. I'd like to discuss was we can help the kids heal and I'd like to grant them the wish of having us meet and get along. I hope she takes me up on it. I'm still waiting.
It isn't the perfect situation but I love my skids and they love me. Sometimes things are great and sometimes not so much, but I would never trade them in. BM needs to grow up and she's the root of many of their issues, though she would tell you it's me. I just don't get why women have to be so insecure? She is who she is due to the choices she made, and I am who I am. Big deal, let's just agree to disagree and move on. Let's just be the best caregivers to those kids as possible. Why is it that I can see to put my feelings aside for their sake but she can't?

I am new to this forum but have been a step parent for 2 and a half years. My opinion of it is that I love and hate it. I love all the kids and do tend to classify them as ours. BUT, I get no thanks, I work my butt off to have the BM throw it in my face and the only saving grace I have is my hubby. I am very lucky to have a great relationship with him (although SD9 would rather I fell off the face of the earth so daddy can be hers again)and we are trying to face the difficulties together. I get really tired of giving the SK good wholesome food for them to tell me how horrible it is, or to not eat at all. My BS12 is really good about most things but he has had behavioural problems in the past and my ex sucks at being a parent. Once again, I have ended up being the one to take all the crap and sometimes I just want to scream for my sanity to come back. Anyone else feel like that?Thanks!

I hate it and wish they were gone. They have caused so much grief that I don't know if I can ever find it in my heart to love them ever again.

I really hate it too. Not so much that I needed to step in and do the parent thing to kids I didn't know, but moreso that I get no appreciation, have had to sit by and watch the skids treat DH like crap, the fact that every day is a new challenge (like it is with all kids) but I'm always the outsider and def feel like one. Its like you can see whats going on, but youre behind this glass wall, and cant do much about it. And when you DO stand up for yourself, youre labeled the mean evil one, and then it just gets worse.

I like it. I am an only child, once divorced, and my parents have both recently passed away. Having my husband and my two stepdaughters in my life has given me a family that, without him, I would not have. I relish having my stepdaughters and husband here for holidays -- what would I do without them here? Sit at home with my cat, probably.

The SDs' mother makes my life a living hell, if I let her. She is completely threatened by me and bi-polar, so we have a fair amount of The Crazy in our lives because of her. But that aside, I love my stepdaughters, and feel lucky to have them.

BB

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

I would NEVER do it again. And i'll be honest, while my SD is no saint, she is not the sole reason. My wife has played a hand in it as well as SDs BD. They created this monster by not being parents and trying to out do each other for her affection by getting her anything her heart desires. This child has no idea what the word no means...when she first heard it from my mouth her response was, but I asked nicely and really want it. So I said thats nice, but NO. She looked right past me and said Mom? I moved into her view and said I don't care what your Mom says, I've told you NO and that is final! I agree with what most posters have said about feeling like a third party in your own home and having this huge responsibility of a parent but not sharing in the rewards reserved for parents. I was not blind when I got involved with my wife and knew from jump it would be the hardest thing I've had to do in my life....and I was right! But even knowing that...I still wasn't prepared as to just how hard it really would be. My love for my wife is the ONLY thing that has made me stay. If not I would have been outta here years ago.

It's like a slap in the face for caring!! I love DH like a mad woman and he feels the same way about me, he is the SD to my 3 children and we have one child together, this is our family. He is a wonderful SD and my kids love him to the moon and back and he loves them too!!!! It is his 2 sons from first marriage that don't belong!!! SS's are absolute monsters!! Even DH is tired of them being around because they are just like their evil BM!!! Perhaps someday things will be different but I can't see that far ahead. I guess it depends on the age of the child when you become the step parent and of course how much time you spend together and the child him/herself but mostly weather or not the Bparents are on the same page with rules and routines(rarely happens) I just personally hate it, it is like working for a kick in the face!!!

I also like being a step parent! I have chosen not to have kids but also love mentoring kids. We have the kids 50% of the time.

My two SDs, 6 and 10, are great kids. Their mom has BPD, which brings lots of challenges, that are sometimes totally frustrating and humbling and too much, but also a kind of closeness with the girls and feeling of usefulness in their lives that is really great.

I like the closeness and mentoring relationship but the little bit of distance that lets them see that if I am angry, it is me being angry, not them being bad. I used to think I would hate it if the kids ever said "You are not my mother!' --they really do not say that, but they do say intense stuff when I get angry--usually when they have just come back from mom's house. And to me this is a good sign, a sign that they can separate others' anger from their own selves.

I have worked so hard on that for the past 3 years with them, helping them to see that mom's feelings are her own, the kids' feelings their own, daddy's feelings his, and mine are mine. I remember one morning when SD10 was just back from mom's and faking being sick, crying and saying mommy never makes her go to school, we are mean, etc. (she missed 35 days of school in mom's care) in exasperation saying, "I do not want all this negative stuff all the time! I am not okay with having my morning ruined by crying and whining and yelling!" to which SD10 replied, "I cannot ruin your morning! Only you can ruin your morning! I am just having my feelings!"

I was so proud of her I forgot to be mad.

But these conflicts are rare...after the first 24 hours back from mom's. For any of you who are not familiar with BPD, it is characterized by lots of raging, extreme blame and anger, and distortions of the truth...so the kids come back creating problems with each other, then blaming each other, screaming and yelling, blaming daddy and I for all ills in their lives...but only for about 12-20 hours. Then things calm down and they say stuff like, "You are the best step-mom in the whole world!" and "I love you with all my heart, and if I ever say mean things as a teenager, do not believe me. I just am not good sometime at saying "I am angry" when I am angry. So just remember I love you." Plus, the kids are really interesting, cool people. I lucked out as a step-mom.