I guess even though we both have bipolar BM's in our lives that really they are quite different. I guess I am lucky in that my DH despised BM and the feeling was MORE than mutual, so I never really had any of the buttinsky stuff you do. Plus, BM lived 500 miles away. It would just manifest itself in other ways though. PAS for example, I could go on. Unfortunately, it has only been recently that i have let it all go. I have NO idea how I got to this point, and I dont think I am being much help to you, but maybe to understand the bipolar is to understand your situation? I dunno. I tried that too, just didn't work well for me. You are much more loving towards your situation than I ever was, so I think you will make it through just fine.
Do you meditate? Yoga? Maybe try those? They would likely help you! Hugs to you girl....love ya!

Quit trying to be so accepting of 2 people that do not do the same for you. Stand up for how you feel. The only one that can watch out for you is YOU. You can't let other peole walk all over you just so you can be the "bigger" person, when in fact its making you miserable. DON'T DISREGARD YOUR OWN FEELINGS. I don't know any specifics so I'm trying to be general.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

There are A LOT of people on here who have serious problems with the BM. Obviously, you are one of them. I am trying to figure out WHY this happens.

I totally agree dealing with someone who is bipolar can be very difficult. My ex-sister-in-law, mother of my four nieces, now living again with my brother, is bipolar. Their behaviors can be very disruptive. However, because she is not part of my "immediate" family, I do not let it get to me. If she wants to go of on one of her tangents, I am there for her children. But I do not participate in her problem.

I COULD have a lot of problems with my BM. But, the fact of the matter is, what she does isn't my concern. If she wants to let SD15 stay out all night and get pregnant, that's not my concern. If she wants to throw money at all problems and keep SD from seeing DH, that's not my concern. It's his concern. And, I will say that over the years DH has gotten better at keeping me out of this type of situation. But only because I've forced him to.

Let me give you an example. Several years ago DH had a job that required a lot of travel. During his visitations (50/50 custody), SD would be at our house. But she and I fought constantly, and it wasn't worth the hassle. So I told him that when he was traveling SD needed to stay with BM. He wasn't happy, but he did it.

Obviously, your problem here is more with your DH than the BM. Although BM tries to invade your lives, she wouldn't succeed without help from your DH. If he wants to participate in her drama, fine. But he shouldn't be bringing you along for the ride.

Does this make any sense at all?

While I don't know that my ss's Bm is bipolar, she is definitely co-dependent. That's why she keeps living with her ex-boyfriend and goes places with him and buys him stuff. To keep him as the resident go to man. However, since she has no "boyfriend" right now, she also uses my Dh.

She has been calling Dh persistently about what kind of computer she should get with her new found riches(from the lawsuit). I keep asking Dh why he is even helping her. He tells me that he isn't her friend and doesn't want anything to do with her unless it involves ss. I think he can somehow fit this into this category because Bm is acting like she's wants to make sure that her new computer will support ss's games. Whatever! I wish he would have just told her to go to the store and ask the salesman. Why, why, why can't he just tell her NO!

I don't see it getting any better as long as Dh plays nicey nice with Bm. Whenever she does this kind of thing it causes a fight between me and Dh. He can't understand. He just needs to keep telling her that he isn't her friend and to stop calling unless there is a problem with ss. Otherwise, she needs to figure things out on her own.

Dawn

question exactly but I do know exactly what your saying. My DH was married to his ex for 7 years. The last few years of their marriage was when she started to show signs of her bipolar. He did not know how to handle her or her disease. He reached out to his family and they did not know how to handle it. It took them years after the divorce and many counselors later to say that they fully understand the toll the disease as on someone. And they cope with it or her as she comes in and out of their lives.

When I entered his life my contact with her was very minimal. I have her children but the ex is rarely existant unless it is during her good and happy times which is normally warm and sunny weather (summer months).

I work with social security disability and I deal with bipolar people every day but not to the extent that I am now. So I never had to learn the disease like I have now.

My situation is differ in that the BM has not called or been seen since May of this year and that was at a funeral. And when she is around, her spells are short and poof she is gone again. But she is like a tornado when she comes through.

My DH caters to her only because he knows she is in and out. I do get angry with him and I explain that to him and he tries to explain to me that she is not normal and I need to find a way to cope with these situations as they occur.

One morning she called at like 630 on a Saturday and I asked her to stop calling that early. We dont get up that early on Saturday and her 15 year old daughter sure doesnt get up that early. And she continued to apoligize but called again the next morning. So we finally had to cut the phone off at night. My concept was she was doing it to piss me off,,, my DH's concept was she had just been up all night and wants to talk to her daughters and doesnt care what time it is.

Its sad, really sad. I know you are doing the best you can. I try not to cause conflict because it would only make it worse on the SD's and my contact with the BM is very limited so I suck it up alot, maybe we shouldnt do that. I dont know

I think both bm and dh uses her diagnoses to their advantage. I mean as an excuse for both of their behavior.. I know you are a great person and I know you will always be there for your whole family, because you are one who actually include your stepkids as yours...

Until dh decides to stop using bm as a crutch, then you are going to keep these feelings. You said that it took a long time for your dh to forgive her, but I'm not too sure that he has forgiven himself. And that imo is where the problem lies. Just as Dawn pointed out - guilt.

That was my two cents....I think you should be no 1 regardless of whatever cycle bm is in. WAKE UP DH, your not in Kansas anymore.......

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Since your DH and BM obviously can't establish boundaries of their own, why don't you do it for them. Seriously think long and hard about what rules you'd like to see happen in order for you to have happiness in YOUR OWN HOME! You deserve that!

Biggest thing I think is they talk entirely too much. DH doesn't see it because he's used to it and obviously they have emeshment issues. I think calls should almost be non-existant between the ex spouses. Text about the kids or email. Calls should be limited to serious kid issues only. That's what works for me in my house and it really is nice. When she calls, we hand SD11 or SD7 the phone. Now she only calls for them, she's gotten used to it and all of our lives have improved because of it.

Also no combining things like Halloween ever again!! I know the ex did it but DH should say "no way" next time. There's a time and a place for all of you to gather together and that's at graduations, daughter's weddings etc.. long time from now.

Figure out what would make you happy and calmly communicate it with your DH - write a loving note with your suggestions. Then discuss it. Men are more visual anyway - maybe it will sink in.

You are a great SM and deserve more peace. Figure out how to get it then ask for it!!
Hang in there

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I loved living there-sunshine, flowers, beaches...even the bugs didn't bother me much!

Right now it's like 25 degrees out, and the wind is blowing like a madman.

Hurricanes??? Oh well. At least there's a warning before they hit landfall. Unlike our lovely tornadoes.

I don't remember if you saw it or not, but I did some huge posts on boundaries regarding SD, BM, DH, MIL.

On the way back from the retreat I bought a book called Boundaries- Where You Stop and I Begin

Something akin to that anyway.

I started reading it, and some of it's the usual psychobabble. But I think it's helpful. Remember the big tough talk we had in Nashville? About my big insecurity with groups of women? Well....I realized on the way home that is my boundary issue. The reason I react to other people reacting toward me in what I at times perceive as negative, is because I am allowing that reaction, inviting it perhaps to a great degree, allowing myself to perceive it negatively, especially the more I try to focus on changing it. Anyway...

The book is helpful. Kind of like the Eggshells book it seems so far to be focusing on how to establish your boundaries so that others don't just continue violating them. Like you, I couldn't stand how much influence BM had over us and SD. Then we got FC, and now it's SD who influences the mood of our home. And it does really suck when the BP/BPD person lives in your house and you can't get away no matter what, but it also does in your case, because BM may not live their, but she is forcing herself inside your home. And like you I was starting to ask myself, "Is it ME? Am I doing something to deserve this? Am I over sensitive to something and fixating on it?????"

And the answer is yes. Well sort of. Because I had allowed it to be so for so long.

Now you are not going to control BM, and I know you have come to grips with that. But I get a sense for how you feel about DH using a rationalization because he is "choosing his battles" so to speak. Because his number one concern SHOULD be YOUR happiness, NOT keeping BM happy. And you have every right as his wife to feel what you are feeling. But because you are agreeable and rational, he feels it's ok not to worry about your feelings as much as hers. In my case it spills over into more than BM/SD issues. For instance, DH and I had a blow up ourselves a few weeks ago. One of our first real ones. Know why? He tried to make me feel like crap because I bitched about everyone (including him) leaving their crap lay around the house for days to weeks until I finally picked it up and put it away- he reacted as though I were BM bitching every day all day. I said NO. UH-UH. If SD provokes me and it's valid and I think it needs addressed, then I need to be able to tell him. It's not like I'm not open minded to my part in the scenario due to my SD irritation threshold being high all the time with no break from her.

I AM allowed to vent or complain or share how I feel DAMMIT. And since yes it is HIS daughter/HIS ex, who bring me so much stress, then HE must listen and show some compassion for it! So I told him I resented the fact that he went out of his way all those years to attempt to appease BM, but cannot afford me a vent once in a great while.

This is my second marriage to a man who was married to a self centered bitch the first time, and they BOTH have at times taken my calm rational demeanor for granted.

ARGH.

But...he did apologize (much) later. I was still irritated with him the rest of the evening though. Then we talked more calmly about it all the next evening.

I don't know if I'm helping or not, but check out that book. I think all of us on here have our own boundary issues- I know I do. I am independent. I am better than that BM about putting others first. I am always concerned with what's best for those I love. And sometimes CG I think that sets us up to be slighted in the interest of not making waves, because our disagreements pale in comparison to the wrath that is BM (or SD or MIL in my case.)

Look into some boundary books and start setting them. I think you probably will get some serious resistance from DH, just like the Eggshells book said about setting healthy boundaries when you have a BPD person in your life. But you MUST MUST MUST stick to what is healthy for YOU baby!!!!!!

Good luck.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

As much as I can! But...I tried for a whole YEAR, and you may have to try as well, before moving onto the inevitable next step of re-engagement.

Ugh. What a draining and continually shifting process this stuff is, isn't it???

I did that total engagement from everyone. I didn't start out that way, but that's where it led. Because when you shut down one part, other good ones have no choice but to shut down too. Because unlike my SD/your BM we CAN'T compartmentalize ourselves into boxes of black and white. Because we do care or we wouldn't be on places like ST.

This is such a deep and dreary process CG. But being on our own isn't the answer because we love these men and (in spite of myself) their kids with all our hearts. I think why I liked those years on my own was that they were very progressive spiritually, and emotionally, while being stable and consistent personally and professionally. (job/college, sons EW week) that all my ducks were usually in a row. The worst things happening were totally my car (which did suck but no one was injured) and having some poor health due to the physical demands I was putting on myself doing it all alone. But I dont' think it was a balanced life- more like the scales tipped from being a stay at home mom with only my exH and BSs, and some plays now and then to fill my plate. The whole time I was single and so self-fulfilled, it was because I didn't have to try and work on a real relationship with a SO. I had no compromises save my other responsibilities- kids, job, school, friends. And those things are far easier to juggle when you are the ALPHA QUEEN WOLF of your own little pack. Add a male of the species and it just ain't ever gonna be simple. And sometimes I now think if something happened to DH I would be alone even longer than I was after my exH. But...no. I'm a hopeless romantic and eventually someone would show up to change my mind about that (as long as he doesn't have any KIDS!!!! ha ha ha...)

Anyway...balance wasn't there for me then. I was not in a real relationship for most of that time, and the one I was in for 2 of those years was with a MM, so he was inaccessible and though I wished for them, I really had no real responsibilities their either.

So now my life has flip flopped to the opposite. Different house, husband, and kids, but here I am at home doing three loads of laundry a day, grocery shopping, cooking for 4-6 depending on the week. DH makes so much more money than exH and I did, but we are still pay check to pay check with all SD's court, medical, extracurricular fees, and only a small amount of CS from BM to contribute. But...the same in that I am back to all emotional/relational responsibilities, and no physical, professional, or personal pursuits.

I have GOT to change that.

Because I DO feel I'm obsessed with SD. I also feel that consciously or not, she strives to keep it so.

And though I feel from what you've shared of your life in our talks or on here, that you do better to have balance in the other areas of your life than I have the past several years. But I wonder if like my SD, the BM in your situation strives to keep not only your DH's attention, but yours as well, since she's always trying to keep you engaged too. That she is trying to triangulate the two of you, so your relationship does become all about her. And then you do have to obsess in a way, because it's hard not to when they are in your face, a presence in your house all the time. You can try to ignore it, but it's just right there, larger than the proverbial elephant in your room. Men can ignore a raging stampede. Not most women. I could hear a long ago fossilized pachyderm buried a 1000 feet below my house.

For me, I am really making strides lately. It's why I haven't posted much. My teacher's death really brought me back into focus and purpose. I wish for once I would get that lesson BEFORE losing people I love, but it seems death and loss always catapult me out of a rut- just like losing my friend to cancer inspired me to leave MM behind me for good and find my own happiness.

So....

don't give a shit for as long as you can stand it. There's nothing wrong with that, and actually, it may be what needs to happen next on your path toward happiness.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra