School Supplies & CS
Hey guys and gals, haven't posted in a while but BM is as much a PITA as ever. I previously wrote about her refusing to pay her share of an uninsured medical bill for SD to the tune of $800 which we had to pay along with our portion of $3200. My DH decided to let it go (big issue with me but trying to get over it and move on, it's not working, lol). SO here we are at "back to school time" and so I asked him 2 weeks ago to contact BM to ask her to pay for the kids school supplies since 
I purchased both kids supplies last year with no reimbursement from her and (b) in light of her refusing to pay anything towards the medical bill I categorically refuse to pay for supplies this year, we pay her substantial CS even though we have joint custody. So, of course, he didn't contact her - fast forward to today - the kids are at her house for a couple of days and then back to us until first day of school so my DH decides to tell the kids to make sure to get their school supplies over the next few days.
Well we then get an email from BM about how she paid me $16 in cash last year for SS's supplies and that she won't be buying supplies this year. Hmmmm, first off a backpack costs $15 per child and my total spend was more in the region of $90 so a miserly $16 would be nowhere near enough - second of all she has never ever given us any cash or check for anything we have purchased for the kids. Can we say "insane" or just "making s*** up"? My DH will not communicate with her (what's the big deal) so I end up replying to her email. I told her that since we had to pick up her portion of the medical bill we "would ask that she cover the kids school expenses". Wow, red rag to a bull, she goes off on some tirade like a raving lunatic. Tells me that she will not get the supplies and she doesn't "give a sh*t if they go without". I'm at a loss for words at this point. The thing is she thinks if the kids come here without supplies we will just buy them - end of story. I told my DH that I would not be purchasing them under any circumstances and if the kids had to go to school with supplies from last year then so be it. He'll probably cave in and go buy them and it will be one more thing to add to the already growing list of things I have stored in my head that cause constant resentment and frustration in my marriage. Thanks for listening. Any comments appreciated.
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Comments
That's nice
I would save the e-mail for sure. I guess you will end up getting them what they need. It sucks but what can you do? It is just really nice that she 'doesn't care if they go without', and that she avoids paying her share of their medical expense.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I would let her know that
I would let her know that the CS is to cover school supplies, clothing, food, shelter and extra ciricular activities. That is just INSANE.
I am so sorry. I would stand firm as well. How else will she learn!?!? She is acting like a child, so treat her like a child.
Sorry about the skids not getting new supplies, but I bet there are less fortunate kids that this is just reality for.
You're in a tough spot ...
If I were you, I'd probably excuse myself from the situation and force DH to deal with her. You shouldn't have to deal with his baggage. He married and reproduced with her -- not you. The biggest issue is that it sounds like he does not share your point of view (or at the very least is unwilling to back you up with it comes to BM). I have experienced similar reluctance to "rock the boat" in my situation with my DH. In his case it's guilt and a fear of rejection from the children.
You said your DH pays child support -- why don't you deduct these expenses from the child support payments? That's what I do when I pay expenses for my kids that my ex is supposed to pay (but usually doesn't!). Yes, I make more so I pay HIM support, even though I pay most of my kids expenses and we share joint custody. Is that an option for you?
We have been in this situation
My husband always "comes to the rescue" and bails SD out. BM never has to step up to the plate and be a parent. We have always bought school supplies because she would be fine with SD going without if it means spending her own money.
One of my favorite situations is school lunches. BM refuses to pay for them. So SD would call husband and ask him for money when she was at BMs or just wait until she came to our house and then immediately ask for money. My feeling is, if BM has her, BM can pay for school lunch. But husband would never hold her feet to the fire. Thought it would be punishing SD. I told him SD could make a lunch at her mom's house and take it to school (she was 13 at the time). Or if she had to go without lunch just once she might protest a bit more to BM. I'm convinced SD didn't ask BM for money because it was easier to just ask us. Husband's guilt over the divorce would ensure he would pay. And he always did!
Buy the supplies and send her a bill. She might not (probably won't) pay it. Next time she asks you for payment for anything, deduct what is owed for school supplies. Or just buy them the essentials. They can use last year's backpack, or BM can buy them one!
Wow
I feel for you. I have trouble getting my DH to buy anything for his BS 9 months and our BD12. But I figured out a way for him to pay me for part of ou BD12's stuff. I make him pay when we go out and I make him pay for gas to pick up his son since I have to do it because he is at work.
School supplies are a tough issue. Yes, they cost a lot of money and yes, the kids need them. I doubt BM will pay for them and you DH will probably go and buy them. Let him, its his thing. There is a reason for not having joint accounts.