i am a first time mom to a 1 year old daughter with my DH. my DH has a 12 year old boy. some of the emotions i went through when i was pregnant were:

- resentment toward the fact that this won't be my husband's 'first' baby
- resentment toward the fact that we went to unncessary extremes to ensure SS didn't feel left out and at times, it almost felt we needed his 'approval' to have our baby
- resentment toward the fact that my husband was referring now and then to the birth of his first in order to help provide me with some misguided support about being pregnant
- EXTREME resentment after a conversation with SS one day when he told me he wishes that he could always be the only child and that no one else would ever be born.

as for having my SS in the hospital, taht wasn't an issue as he was SO pissed off we were having a baby, he didn't want to be anywhere near us. i personally feel having your SD and ESPECIALLY the BM at YOUR delivery is 100% inappropriate. this is not acceptable in my eyes and i would make it clear that SD and BM cannot be at the hospital. it's a busy and chaotic medical environment and you, the MOTHER, needs peace and a tranquil environment. this is not a fucking circus sideshow. it's the birth of a child. and YOU get to decide who is there. for me, only my DH was there.

when baby was born, here are the emotions i experienced, and to a degree, still am a year later:

- resentment that SS12 is costing my family thousands and thousands and THOUSANDS of dollars. i feel angry that his BM is literally taking from teh mouth of my daughter to feed hers.
- resentment that SS12 pays absolutely on attention to his baby sister. even when she actively seeks his attention,he ignores her. this makes me nervous as i wonder if he is harboring dangerously negative emotions and thoughts.
- anger that he YET AGAIN admitted to me that he was an only child so he could get ALL the attention and ALL the gifts at christmas time, etc.
- anger and resentment that my DH probably doesn't want any more kids b/c he has 'two' biological children. well, i don't consider SS my child, and never will, and i feel this is unfair to me and our daughter. she will grow up with virtually no siblings. or at least no siblings that acknowledge her existence.
- annoyance and frustration that our schedule and our life somewhat is dictated by another child that isn't technically part of our family full time. every decision we make, we have to take that situation into account. and this will continue to affect us for at least the next 5 years until he's 18.

anyway, i struggle each day with these emotions. but i remind myself over and over that i picked my DH and i KNEW at the time he had a child. i am responsible for making this situation work - along with DH - and along with SS. my attitude has to be in line or things can go sideways. but, it gets harder every day. especially since we are poor because of him, well, no, because of his greedy mother.

at the end of the day, your love for your husband has to supercede all the resentment and anger and negative emotions you have about the fact he has a chlid with someone else. this is what i feel works for me. i love my DH so much and am so thankful for him, that i remember, if i didn't have him, i wouldn't have our beautiful daughter.

when your baby is born, do yourself a favour and don't let a parade of people in yoru house for the first couple of weeks. let SD visit (does she live with you?) for a short while, snap some pictures of the two of them, and send her on her way. having a baby is such a intimate and loving experience between two people, you need to make sure you protect your privacy.

and as a new mother, you have every right to. good luck. pm me anytime if you need more support. i have been there and i am STILL there.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

we arent pregnant yet but we want to have a baby shortly after we get married later this year. the thing that my fiance says separates it for him is that it will be his first time being in love and choosing to have a baby. he never wanted to have a family b4; naturally he embraced his kids when they were born. he was never an active participant in any pregnancy either...didnt do dr visits, baby shopping, rm decorating etc...it was a situation he found himself in but didnt really want to be a part of. his oldest happened when he and BM (then girlfriend) were young. they were together awhile when she got pregnant again w SS15. then they decided to get married bc they felt like it was the rite thing to do for the kids. after the divorce he hooked up w BM2 and well, we wont go there but he didnt want to have a baby w her at all. so although he love skids and loves his children dearly, their birth was never something he really felt like celebrating bc he wasnt doing it w the rite person.
i was upset at the same thing u are for awhile when we first started dating...i will never have a first w him. even today when we talk about how much we cant wait to have a baby he always says hes so excited an dit really will feel like the first time for him bc the experience will be so different.
so hold onto that...the new experience of a baby w his soulmate, the woman he loves and wants to be w forever. it will feel different for him im sure...

I have not yet had a baby, nor had a viable pregnancy, HOWEVER, I had discussions w/my DH on my expectations of any pregnancy we do have.

That is the skids are not to be here during the delivery.. ABSOLUTE no. I dont want my dh to go missing to entertain the said skids, while I would be in excrutiating labor pains, because I know what I am like, and I know that I would harbor resentment over that for the rest of my life.

If the skids want to visit AFTER the delivery, and my dh does not have to go get them for this (as I expect him to stay by my side, unless its to get me non hospital food and a diet pepsi) that is ok.. PROVIDED the BM goes NO WHERE near the maternity section. She will not get to see or hold my imaginary baby, nor would she be allowed in my hospital room.

I made those VERY clear to my dh. I dont think its asking a lot. Also, the skids will not be coming for extended visits all of a sudden, their normal EOW will do just fine.. and if the inlaws come to visit, the skids will NOT be there the entire time the inlaws are. I just dont think I could deal w/that circus as unknown so poetically put it!

wow! we have similar experiences! my DH said the same thing. he was very involved with my pregnancy and is EXTREMELY involved with his daughter. he experienced neither with his ex and their child together. and while he also loves his son, he has admitted to me that having a child with someone you truly love and know you are meant to be with, is a completely and utterly different experience. and he, for the first time in his whole life, finally feels like a 'daddy.' it's really wonderful to watch him with our little girl.

mrs. katch, remember this - and it will get you through the shitty times.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

is a special time.

It is also the most painful experience of your life. You will be so absolutely focused on the excruciating pain, you won't even BEGIN to care what the hell BM or SD or even DH is doing. You are going to be extremely concerned with where the nurse is that is able to adminster DRUGS.

The Pope could pass thru your room and you won't care.

I understand your jealousy. I am guilty of being green myself. I will NEVER have a child with my DH and I hate it. We were both neutered and have opted to stick to our very separate decisions to not have anymore children. I hate that we will never share that bond. Be grateful for that. This is YOUR first child TOGETHER. I've had two children and BOTH were EQUALLY as important to me. Both experiences were very different and the second time around was not any less special because of the one before.

Mrs. Katch 22. Don't let your negative thoughts inundate your experience at becoming a mother for the first time. You have this surreal experience happening for you that is in jeopardy of being tainted by what "could be". Take a deep breath and enjoy it. Stop worrying so much.

That baby will come and the rest of the world just melt away. You and your husband will hold your baby for the first time together and nothing else will matter. I promise.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

and as I said before I would do some things differently with the kids, but my end result is a positive one.

My skids love their baby brother with all their hearts. Everything he does is amazing to me as it is to them.I know they go home & share with their mother what the baby is doing because she said something about it the other day at baseball.

I have & had days where I wish it were the first time for both of us but it wasn't & no amount of wishing could make it so. I have days when I wish it were just the 3 of us, or that so much of of $$$ didn't go to the skids so we could have had another baby someday...but it is what it is and I thank God every day for that amazing little boy in the room next to ours at night.

Concentrate on the positive, enjoy your pregnancy & if SD shares all her excitement over the baby with her mom just be glad she is excited. I always tell myself that long after DH & I are gone that his brothers will be the only family he will have and I never want him to feel the odd man out.

Tell them. Let SD know that if she comes w/a relative of dh's, dh wont be available to hang out w/her or entertain her, that he will be to busy. That it will be pretty boring waiting in the waiting room, and that childbirth can take hours!!

Then tell Dh your expectations of just you and him in the delivery room, and that he is NOT allowed to leave your side or that delivery room... most of them have private bathrooms these days, so there would be no popping out for a moment to "use the bathroom" (but really to go see if SD is "hanging in there"

I just dont think a delivery room or waiting room during the delivery is ANY place for a child.

I'm due in 8 weeks. My SD11 lives with me and DH full time. Its been EXTREMELY hard.

Emotions I've felt: sadness, anger, resentment. None of it really stemming from wanting it to be DH's first time though. Perhaps because this is his first time actually being with the pregnant person! He left BM just a couple of months into her pregnancy (they had only been dating a few months when she became pregnant....he moved in with her to try to make it work but just couldn't do it).

My sadness, anger and resentment, unfortunately, are all directed at SD. From the moment we began talking about having a baby, even hypothetically, she was violently opposed to the idea, saying she would push any child of mine in front of a car, out a window, etc. Once I was actually pregnant, she started with talk about how DH really needed to take me to get an abortion (we subsequently learned that BM had decided it was appropriate to inform SD that DH had suggested she have an abortion).

SD told me that it was fine with her if I had a baby, as long as it wasn't with HER dad. She obviously was (and still is) having a very difficult time with the idea of having to share dad with anyone.

SD makes nasty little comments about my baby every chance she gets. She has suggested that the cat's litter box should be kept in the baby's crib, that the baby's car seat should be tied to the roof of the car, and that the baby's name (Sophia) sounds like the name of a dog....just to name a few of her little gems.

So...I am extremely resentful of SD for turning what should have been a joyful 9 months for me and DH into an absolute nightmare. She is actually (maybe) starting to come around now, after lots of visits to a therapist. She still occassionally acts like a jerk about the impending arrival of her sister (see my recent thread..."SD being a jerk about baby shower" for an example), but the frequency of her mean comments has significantly decreased, and she even helped me with putting up some nursery decorations earlier this week.

I do sometimes feel angry at DH because I feel like he puts up with her behavior too much. I had to beg and plead with him for MONTHS to get her into therapy, which I still think is ridiculous considering the nature of the comments she was making. I think he was in denial of SD's behavior and that it was a real problem. He did finally see the light though, and started lighting into her if she said anything remotely threatening about the baby.

I don't think I want SD in the room with me when I give birth, and DH agrees with this. She will likely be at the hospital, and just in the waiting room with another family member of mine. BM will have nothing to do with it (she wouldn't even try it anyways....one thing DH has been terrific about is boundaries with BM).

See.. if it were me, I would let SD know next time she makes an inappropriate comment that she should treat people how she wants to be treated.. and god help her when she gets pregnant, You might JUST pay her back w/the little gems she heaped on you, rather than being HAPPY FOR HER.

when it was that BM first saw our baby. I am pretty sure it was the next week when picking up the kids & I know DH let her hold him. ( he also had her watch him once and I almost killed him over that..nother story nother day)

Heres a little funny for you... my oldest skid is very handsome, he was a beautiful baby and is a real head turner, the second is cute too & is spitting image of DH. BM always said SS looked like her family ( she is NOT very attractive so not sure why she thinks this except for the coloring)... guess what my son is the blonde haired blue eyed version of him. They look soooo much alike except for coloring ( SS has brown hair & eyes like DH & BM)

I always think to myself when she sees my son that she has to know both her kids get their looks from their dads side. She has even made comments in the past that the baby looks like me & not him, but ha he looks like his brother if he were scandhoovian. BTW I have red hair & green eyes so genetics are amazing.

and was on mines end. She once made a negative comment in an email before the baby was born over money & has been smart enough not to repeat it. She is always very nice about the baby & because I don't want him upset about his brothers leaving with her as he gets over we have always promoted a positive enviroment at exchange time.

I am sure the day will come when he is upset that his brothers have to go to their other home & don't want him to view her as evil. ( that is my job:) )

My pregnancies were different and each time it was like the first time for me, so it was no stretch for me to believe it was like that for DH, too. You miss out on a lot of "firsts" when you are the subsequent wife, but some of those things, like pregnancy and childbirth, are brand new each time you experience them. This is the first time with you and that will make it unique. I felt the same way at our wedding. We'd both been married before, but not to each other and that made it totally different. It's okay not to have SD there until after you've actually given birth and then, when she does come, to limit her visit to a short time. Make sure you have a trusted family member standing duty to prevent BM from interfering. Plan ahead and, hopefully, you won't have a thing to worry about when the day comes.

________________________________________________________________

ANNE 8102 | GEORGIA

and they ARE death threats about my baby, i'd call the cops.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

I am a first time Bm to a 2 1/2 year old boy. DH has two kids 11 and 8. while I was pregnant my ss threw a fit one day when he found out we had to go to the grocery store. He climbed up on the top bunk of his bunk bed and wouldn't come down. I couldn't leave him home alone so I climbed my 7 month pregnant behind up onto the bottom bunk trying to pull him down and He Kicked me really hard in the stomach. It nearly knocked the wind out of me. I and the baby were fine but it was the point he really could have done some damage. Being pregnant wasn't as exciting as i thought it would be. I always wanted to look at the baby clothes and he would always give me a hard time about it. But we as a couple shared alot together. Our sons birth was vaginal and the first one he got to witness. The other two were c secion and his wife didn't want him there. But now that i think about it I wouldn't have it any other way. He is my Rock he always calmed my fears about the tiniest thing when our son was an infant. I think I am a better parent because i don't over protect my son I let him be a little boy and don't worry about every little scrap or scratch he gets.

When I was prego with my first bio son, sd was 4, and I had so much resentment toward BM and it did leak over to sd- usually because BM was running her mouth about my baby and how it would make daddy different towards sd, sd was excited about being a big sis though and through the pregnancy my feelings were:
resentment of BM for trying to act as if she or SD were supposed to be more important
sadness that it wasn't the first time for DH
alone- just because there was so many questions all the time that I felt awkward asking DH, but they never went away either.
worried- that there was a difference in the way DH would treat the kids, or how it would all end up

Here's what I learned looking back ten years after the fact:
It may not have been DHs first time, but he still cried(even at our babies birth 8mo.ago, it's always different- every child),and was super excited when he first saw our son.

We did go out of our way the first few years to make sure SD was included in everything we did(we weren't doing so hot financially so there wasn't much to do) but in time we began to just live life as she would be doing the same, and we'd pick her up stuff so she knew we were thinking of her.

BM has always tried to convince herself she has some special bond w/DH- sooner or later she may figure out she has screwed up every hope of him even not vomitting slightly when he thinks of her and she may move onto making her ex hubbys life a little more miserable instead- until then I will live my life with my love and our amazing blessings of all three of our children happily in the present as she grasps to what ever was past.

I wish I haD realized sooner that letting her peeve me took another day from my life that should've been enjoyable there by giving her the power she wanted.

as for the hospital thing you (my opinion here) should let SD come to see her, set a time limit if you want and tell DH- okay 20 minutes is it then we need to get back to us, but it is really important to have them do some bonding, afterall siblings are you longest term family and usually your dearest friends in life. Maybe SD is feeling a little threatened by the new arrival and that happens within every family I have ever seen, to a degree.
as for the BM coming- nodda- I try to be decent to BM in most situations but I totally put it down when BM tried to see the oldest son and I just told SD we were in a rush so we couldn't. by the time baby came SD was 14, she showed her mom pics but thats as close as she needs to be as far as I am concerned.
If she comes to the hospital , put her on a no visit list, most birthing/mother/baby units have extreme security measures there and ask for each persons name before letting them in the unit, nifty I say and tell DH how you feel- don't hold back it's not healthy for either of you.

There is no reason where logic does not exist

Count your blessings. Not everyone is able to be blessed with a child.

I totally understand how you feel about wanting to share this WITHOUT BM - she didn't have to have an ex around when she had her kids. I am glad you voiced that gripe because I feel that way all the time (and wondered if I was being too self-centered). It sux

I don't have kids so these other posts will be a lot more helpful and insightful than mine, but all I can say is at least your DH and you have a child together. You are blessed & congratulations!