Could you have a talk w/DH and give him specific examples on how he is excluding your daughter from everything...

Then, I would plan something for just the three of you on a weekend that the SDs are at their bm's.. Tell DH not to make any other plans.. and that he IS going.

I would try to at least once a month plan a threesome outting.

I'm in a similar situation. My daughters live with us nearly all the time and their BD is in the picture less and less. My SD's are with us every other week- 7 days on, 7 days off.

We had the same conversation. Dh is fine with helping to a certain degree when HIS daughters are home, but checks out almost completely when they're not. As the "mom" of the house I think its just assumed that we do all the kid/cooking/cleaning/all the jobs that have to be done and no one wants to do stuff, which is why we end up doing a lion's share of the parenting for kids who aren't ours. It's frustrating that there's a double standard and certainly if your daughter is feeling left out, that really can hurt everyone.

But I've talked to Dh about this. He says he feels "disloyal" to be involved with my daughters when he can't be involved with his own. That somehow by interacting with my kids, it's less "fair" for his own kids. I sort of see his point and so far my kids aren't affected or bothered by it, but it still bugs me. Like last night during story time, while the girls were reading a story, he was reading hiw OWN book, something he'd never do if HIS kids were home.

You need to be specific about what you expect, esp if your DH isn't a talker. What could he DO in terms of running errands with her, doing something special with/for her on a regular basis that would make her feel more included in his life.

For us, talking about how loving my kids doesn't change his kids role even when they're not there has helped things a bit, but hasn't taken it away completely.

Stepmom_C~
I wish i didn't have to say it but I know what you're talking about having a significant other who doesn't talk. In fact I just went through something like it last night. Is he a fixer? Women are wired differently than men, to choose a cliche. Women tend to be more touchy while men are less hands on. Last night, with my guy, he asked what was wrong. And I didn't know how to tell him what I was feeling. that and he had already yelled at me about something. But when I didn't tell him anything, he walked away. And when I did tell him, Igot the "well what do you want me to do about it." Luckily in some of the situations you talked about, there is something he can do about it but I know that there are times when there isn't a direct thing he can do to "fix" it.
Does he realize that he is excluding your daughter? I pointed out to my man that he treats me differently when SD is around than when she isn't. He said he didn't realize that he does and asked me to point out those situations to him.
I hope that helps and if I remember anything else that helps to get him talking I'll be sure to send you a message.

I don't want to make a generalization here....but I think it's just harder for men to connect with a child in a "fatherly" manner. Women are usually instinctually nuturing and a lot of times, we just take on the role of a "mother" because that's our nature.

My situation is similar to yours when it comes to DH discarding my biokids when his kids aren't around. What I do is, I find activities that DH and the kids can do that don't include me. Like going to the batting cages or buying a jock strap. I make sure that DH understands that if he wants me to continue to be the fabulous stepmom that I am, that he needs to put forth an effort as well. Whip out a calendar to figure out when the skids aren't going to be there and then say "next Saturday I'm going to get my nails done (or whatever) by myself - you should take SD to go see 10,000 BC and we can all meet for dinner afterwards...."

I ALSO value that DH needs some alone time as well. He has a men's softball league that he plays for that doesn't include any of us. Just like I have yoga and volunteering that don't include any of them. There HAS to be balance. You can't expend yourself for all the kids and DH not give back a little. All that does is enable him to be dependent and you resentful.

There doesn't need to be some big discussion where he's gonna have to "talk". Just encourage him to include BD more and encourage BD to speak up when she's being left out. I'm sure DH isn't leaving her out on purpose, some men just don't realize that they are being bone heads.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

I know my DH withdrawls from my daughter when he's pissed at his own son. It's not fair to my DD because she's not the one who peed in his Wheaties. Could your DH be doing the same? Does he get mad at his own DDs and somehow misdirect his anger?

On the other hand, is your daughter open and talkative with your DH? Sometimes my DD doesn't want anything to do with my DH and I know he senses it. It makes me feel bad when she acts like that towards him although when she is giving off those "stay away from me vibes" it usually comes right after a fight she's witnessed with him and his son or it's because she has PMS, and in that case, we ALL stay away from her.

If there is no rational explanation for his behavior, and he's just being plain old mean, then plan for you and your daughter to do things when his daughters aren't around or even when they are. That's not fair to her. Take her to the movies, lunch/dinner, to a nearby city for a mom/DD only weekend. I wish you the best in your situation because it is so frustrating!

All I'm asking for is some good old honesty served up fresh when I ask for it without the side order of hot tongue and cold shoulder!