Long term effects of divorce on kids...
I think there is one difference about the people who come on here. We are people who are concerned about our ids and step kids. We want someplace to vent and we look forward to the support of other people who have been there in the same place we fear we are right now.
Since moving out of the ex gf's house my daughter has thrived. She is back to her old talkative self and is outgoing and happy. She now talks about the relationship that she has with her mother and step dad. For a long time after the divorce I disengaged from the ex wife. I wasn't going to play those games she wanted to play. That was the right thing to do at the time.
I got to be introspective over the weekend -- thinking about how my daughter is now; the character and personalities of the women I have dated; the characteristics of the women I am attracted to and what I am looking for in life. I also thought about Step Talk -- the BM's on here who make life miserable for everyone. The Bio Dads who come in all sizes -- the ones who don't pay child support; the ones who can't pay child support and the variations of the ones who see their kids or the ones who have to fight to see their kids.
I thought about the ex gf's family and some revelations occurred:
Her mother and father had five kids. Her mother cheated on her father and her dad actually walked in on her and her lover. The divorce was nasty. Five kids -- two end up doing/selling drugs (one went to prison for it); one becomes gay; another dies at about 40 and then my ex gf. My understanding was the house was horrible. Mother didn't pay attention to the kids because she was paying attention to her boyfriend. The kids had frequent verbal outbursts and some were even violent.
Later when the ex gf's grandparents died, the ex gf's mother and aunt had a falling out over the grandparents will. At the time we had met the two sisters hadn't talked in about two years -- when we broke up four years later they still wouldn't talk to each other. If there was a social event, the two sisters would sit on different sides of the room. The Ex gf's mother even told the kids they couldn't talk to their aunt.
When we met, she was starting nursing school and didn't have much to do with her family. To me, family is important so that was strange.
Three years of her kids throwing screaming fits; tearing up things; running away. One of them sucked his thumb and carried around a blanket (and I think still does at age 11). When we broke up, we did try and go to counseling. Yet, I realized something over the weekend.
The person she turned to was her mother. To the ex gf everything was normal and it was also normal to her mother.
I started thinking about the people on here dealing with horrible BM's and the long term effect on their step kids. I know I am not the best parent in the world, but I am always trying to be better. My daughter is a happy child who is intelligent and well liked at her school. She is well behaved and polite. An honor roll student.
I think about some of the women on here I have talked to either on MySpace or in some other way. We all have our challenges. Some of us have kids with Autism; or behavioral disorders but the common thread is a desire to be the best parents we can be. The understanding that "Best interest of the children" doesn't mean giving them everything they want, but what they need to grow into competent hapy adults.
That means that sometimes we are not their friends -- we make them do their homework; we make them clean the house or do chores; we make them learn manners and respect (we also teach them to not accept authority blindly).
A year ago at this time my father was dying in the hospital. I would like to think that he might have had something to do with my epiphany.
What we do to raise our children has tremendous influence. Sometimes we have to put the past behind us and get along with our ex spouses for the good of the children. Divorce is a fact of life and blended families are more common than "traditional" families. I think my daughter is growing up with a healthy outlook on life and relationships.
I have met women and men who have been the product of a divorced home. The ones whose parents put the past behind them are so much happy and healthier.
Kevin
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Comments
Normal ?
I believe that there is no such thing as normal, but just levels of disfunction. My normal will be different than yours, or hers or whatever. When we reach different levels of our lives, our perspective of normal changes. Ex. teenagers = normal would be narcasitic, Adult = find thier place in society/looking for a reason that we exist, Older adult = looking back to see what we have accomplished and being proud of such.
Normal is learned by past experience. If you are raised with 2 parents - thats normal, if you are raised divorced family - thats normal, if you are raised in a blended family - thats normal.
I believe it is my parental job to develop well rounded children and expose them to as many opportunities as possible, while giving them the tools to make responsible decisions and be able solve problems. I love my children, but they are not my friends. Friends will stand beside whether right/wrong, parents teach right/wrong.
Good post, good insight!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
It's not just divorce
I always say I'm writing the book called "Adult children of parents who "stayed for us." Because that's what the generation before did most of the time- the norm as you put it. But my sister and I are both divorced because we didn't want to impose our miserable ever after marriages on our kids and teach them that marriage was contemptuous, condescending, etc. When I met my first husband, my list of qualities consisted of- won't cheat on me, hit me or leave me. Now my ex was a decent man and we are friends today. But I just didn't have a high enough expectation of marriage to think I could do better than the minimum qualifications. Those are excellent qualities I know, but they are not enough to hold it together for a lifetime.
I hope and pray that through my DH and me, my kids see what a good marriage is- a collaboration of nurturing support, a partnership in life goals, dreams, decisions, a mutual level of selfless giving to make sure your partner is as happy as you are. I'm not sure they'll get it since they also have other parents who are in very argumentative relationships, but we'll do our best.
Good post.
Z
Peace, love, and red wine
I would do anything
for all the BM's we are dealing with out there to actually read what Kevin wrote and absorb it! If everyone were to work together, all of our children would be well rounded. They would learn the proper skills to work with any problem they are faced with and come up with a reasonable solution for all parties involved. This is my dream....unfortunately, it can't be one sided. How we overcome that is something I think about on a daily basis and have yet to come up with a solution.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Kevin!
Corie
I agree.
With all that I am do I agree.
In order to move forward, a person has to let go of the past. It's the only way to have a healthy relationship in the future.
I just want BM and DH to respect each other. Nothing more. I want all of us to be able to co-exist and when there is a disagreement, I just want to be able to find a solution in a reasonable manner. That's all I want.
Kevin, I wish you the best. I hope the next girl that you grace with your love is a better match.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Sometimes it's not even the BM.
Let me relate something that happened to me today. I got an email from my great aunt, my father's aunt. In the email, which was a mass email that she sent out to everyone in her address book, she referred to her nephew's "daughter," meaning my father's daughter. Now, the individual to whom she was referring is NOT my father's daughter. I am my father's daughter. My sister is my father's daughter. The two of us are the only children he ever had. My great aunt was actually referring to my father's "stepdaughter." It REALLLLLLLY pissed me off.
My father bailed when he and my mother divorced. He wanted nothing to do with my sister and me. My mother never withheld visitation or anything like that. She wasn't ONE OF THOSE BM's. I was a young adult... I went where I pleased. He chose to have no contact with us and now, twenty years post-divorce, we have zero relationship. I've always felt like I'd made my peace with it. I don't dwell on my parents' divorce or let it color my life. I'm responsible for myself. I don't blame anything on having had a "bad childhood" or being from a "broken home." But, man, it did smart to hear MY aunt talking about MY father's STEPdaughter as his DAUGHTER, when that side of the family hasn't acknowledged ME as his daughter in two decades.
Kevin, no matter what, keep being a strong, positive influence in your daughter's life. Daughters need their daddies very much.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I know how you feel
My parents were divorced when I was very young. My dad was the poster child for dead beat dads. He has a son with his second wife who is nothing but a low life criminal (in fact I believe his butt is in jail right now). My dad does everything for this ingrate...even bought him a car. My dad couldn't care less about his 3 other children; I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years. But yeah, it does smart knowing he cares more about this punk than he cares about me. I am 45 and still would like to have a daddy.
One thing I've got from this site is a feeling of normalcy
So many people have it so much worse than I do. I have come to realize that my FH is really good and that my FSS is a typical 12 year old, except that he's very gifted. The BM though not great isn't THAT bad.
Some posts make me wanna scream, "Why do you put up with that?"
I know that things will always be a bit sticky for me because it's just hard to be a step-parent, but I feel more secure about my relationship than I did before.
It just depends.....
My parents stayed married for 27 years. They had a horrible marriage. I could write a book. Now that us 4 kids are older and have lives of our own, they divorced. Now my mother tells us that she stayed married to my father for "US" kids. okay, why? Now I am divorced with 4 kids from there dad and he NEVER sees the kids or pays the child support. I am engaged to be married and i will soon have a step daugher. The BM of her is horrible. Very bitter malicious and evil. She tries to make my life a living hell. Meanwhile takes it out on the daughter. Me and my fiance have 2 kids together. As if it couldnt get any more complicated. All my children do go in school but one. (Only because he is EXACTLT like his father, he never did good in school either). We are well rounded family and make all the necessary changes to deal and live with life. I trully believe that when there is a problem in the home, no matter what the circumstances are or how they came about, that when we STOP being a parent and start being friends with our kids the authority and respect goes out the window. We are suppose to be the foundation of our kids life no matter if everything else is crashing around them. Without our "normal" routine or lifestyle children have nothing. I think our home is the safe haven for them when everything seems so wrong. I want my kids to know that when they walk through there front door, everything is as it should be and they are secure important human beings. No one on the other side of that door matters and no one can hurt them.
"Still waiting to get my life back"