What does he want me to say, do
DH and I were leaving a bit ago to run to the store. His kids are there for their EOW visit. He gets in the car and says "I don't know how it came to this." Let me back up for a moment. His kids were at the dining table eating. We had already eaten bc I asked that it just be he and I. Anyway, I walked through to go to the garage and did not say anything to them and they did not say anything either. So I asked him what he meant. He said me not even wanting to be in the same room as his kids. I told him this is just how it is for now. Either I am around them and pissed off at the world and a bitch, or I am not around them (them meaning SS. I just can't stand the kid) and my normal self. Well that was not what he wanted to hear. I told him how can I honestly want to be around someone who told me themselves he does what he can to make us divorce and he hates me. He has been told for years by BM that I am a terrible person, I hate him, he does not have to listen to me, and so on. When I told him this and reminded him this was only said a few months ago, he said "He is only a child." I said, ok so then it is ok for him to talk to me like that and treat me the way he does. He said I was the adult. I told him this is how it is. I have tried to change my feelings but it has not worked. For so long, that kid has direspected me and my home and his father and I am sick of it. I do not know what DH wants me to do or say. He said we all just have to work through it. I take it to mean, I work through it and everyone else just stays the same. I hate to keep going on and on, but, am I wrong here? I have disengaged for my own sanity and for my marriage but now this is unacceptable by DH. What else am I supposed to do. Please, someone out there, help me. I really do not know what else I am supposed to do or say...
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he won't like it
I just went thru this too with my DH. If you disengage, that leaves him, the actual parent, to deal with his own child aka the problem.
I really liked what you said about how all of you working thru it somehow turns into you working thru it and everyone else still doing whatever they want. That put into words the way I feel too. Well that is bullsht.
Now you don't have to discuss this with DH, just know that you taking care of you is going to go over like a brick at first. Aren't you guys newlyweds? Well I have learned in my 6 years of marriage now, that even though you love DH you have to stand up to him too and make him respect you and the boundaries you set with everyone including him. He will say anything, to get out of having to be the bad guy to his kids!
He is not a bad person, just does not feel he has any power in their relationship. It is up to you to help him by you disengaging - then he is forced to find his power because he absolutely does have it as their father. Hope that makes sense, but trust me it will work!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
OMG you are totally correct
about him thinking he does not have power on their relationship. SS is such a little ass and DH has said on more than one occasion that he does not feel like we (I) should be so hard on him because they are only here EOW and what we do will not mean anything because they spend the majority of their time at their twisted mom's. I have noticed the past few times they are here that if I come into the room SS gets up and leaves. Not sure who instructed him to do this but hey, works for me. I have certain rules, very easy but strict rules about the way my home runs and the way I expect all that enter to act. We have been married almost 4 years. Things are getting worse with the skids. I am going to continue to disengage. If they speak (like that ever happens) I will acknowlegde, answer and leave. End of story. I just do not know what DH is expecting me to do. When I ask, he has no answer. Thanks for the advice Evil, I thought I was doing the right thing...
disengaging
Just my two cents worth (feel free to change currency)
I was in a de facto relationship with SS living with us full time 24/7, I found it hard to always be the person correcting his behavior while his father ignored it. I then started to disengage as I could not stand the hostility I encountered and a lack of support from the father. I was then accused of hating the SS and basically being a bad person. My relationship with the father deteriorated and has now ended, my advice would be to stand up for what you expect as disengaging can also have a negative effect on your relationship.
At least he didn't ask you to pretend you like them!
That's worse than anything I could ever think of. And it might sound mean but my DH actually expects/wants me to be nice and buddy-buddy with his son which I simply cannot force myself to do. Like you, I acknowledge his son's presence, answer a question when it is asked of me, then continue on with what I was doing. I'm not quite certain how my DH thinks I should be syrupy sweet to someone who has shown such little regard for the emotions and feelings of the people in our home. His son has torn this place apart and DH acts like a little tape will fix it. Sorry, it doesn't work that way in my book, especially when the problem is not fixed and the manipulating, lying, and self-centered behavior continues with no remorse.
Holy Cr*p!
I have to say that when I read your blog about how your SS treats you I wanted to reach through the screen and throttle him myself. Anyway, having said that, (lol) I think DH needs to remind his boy that this is His (and) your Castle. Son or not, the boy needs to understand that he will not be welcome in house again until he learns respect. Period. DH should have never let it go this far. He needs to get past his guilt and take care of business at home or he will lose you.
Can I get an AMEN?!?!?!?
You are totally 150% right on the money. I have always said DH guilt purchases/ parents. I have told him before if the crap continues I will put my foot down and there will be NO MORE visitation at my house. Well, let's just say that went over like a ton of cow poo. My husband gets really angry when it comes to his kids. As soon as something comes out of my mouth about them, conversation is over. He closes down and there is no more reasoning with him at all. I guess he thinks we are supposed to be a big happy family. They (meaning SS and BM) will never let that happen. But, I have a feeling one day it will come to a head and those words will come out and it will no longer be a threat. It will be a choice he will be forced to make. I am not saying he will have to give them up, just that either visitation takes place somewhere else or I walk. Hopefully it will not come to that. We'll see...
Girl I know
My mother would take a belt in the store with her and if we acted up, you guessed it, SWAT. My parents did not play. We got the giggles at the dinner table, we left until we could straigten out. There was none of this bs, oh their just kids. Oh whatever. I was not raised that way and right or wrong, that is how I expect kids should act. You mind your manners, you show respect. Period. My weekend is almost over with them so I am certainly counting down the hours. I know this will continue to come up all the time. But seriously, are you kidding me DH. I can not say anything about his kids without him getting defensive. Now I understand (not really) because they are hethans but this is my damn house, I work everyday to pay for it. It is as much mine as it is his and all be damned if they come in and act like that. I call BULLSHIT...
DH Needs to be reminded ....
DH Needs to be reminded that there is more to being a father than an EOW play toy. DH seems to be blaming the twisted BM for thier behavior, I hate to burst his bubble, But both BP are to blame. He says to take it easy on them cause we only see them EOW. LOL How does that make his standards more noble? They will have more respect for you for keeping and enforcing your rules/standards, than the lessor.
Your right - no doubt about - now stop doubting yourself.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!