Anyone feel sick before visitation weekends?
Does anyone feel sick before visitation weekends? We have SD over every other weekend. Before, DH would pick SD up from school. BM would call them and ask them to drop by her house to pick up clothes (whatever). This stressed me out...now, we have more clothes at our house and DH tells BM "no, we have clothes for her." I don't know if it was excuse to interact with him or what, I don't know.
Then, on Sunday's, when BM would pick SD up, she used to come to our door (more interaction)...then, she stopped doing that and DH would walk SD out to BM's car. WHY? I don't know. She wouldn't have that much to carry...so why walk her to the car? To say hi to her? This stressed me out too...any interaction between them two makes me sick. Text messaging isn't that bad. I know it's probably a territorial or maybe even insecurity thing...but I started feeling sick before visitation weekends. Sometimes I'd start feeling sick the Sunday before...knowing what next weekend would consist of. Sometimes I'd throw up - sounds pretty gross, but it made me feel better.
Now that I'm pregnant...everything is more amplified...damn hormones. Does anyone go through anything similar?
--- After thinking about it a little bit, I think it's more of the interaction with the ex that drives me crazy. There were so many times in the past where I was an outsider...where he'd go to school events, just them three...so many incidents; I think it scarred me..and now, asides from the normal pick up and drop off info (maybe medical/dental info as well)...I can't handle them interacting...I guess this goes along with the other post that someone posted "Why I hate the EX so much..."
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Yes I feel the same way. I
Yes I feel the same way. I think I figured it out that it mostly due to change in everyone's routine. It is normally just me and my husband here throughout the week and EOW, then the visitation weekend hits and everything changes. When you eat, what you eat, when you get up, what you watch on TV, etc, etc. The entire rountine of the house is disrupted even the dog has to adjust. It is nobody's fault really just very hard to deal with these types of changes EOW in a person's life. I have tried to make sure my schedule isn't disrupted 100%, I still go shopping, go out to eat with my girlfriends, etc. Try doing something that you would normally do if you didn't have the SD there that weekend. This has helped me adjust.. Just some thoughts.
Have you talked to DH about this?
I know any time I have an issue with something I tell DH about it ASAP, especially when it comes to the type of issue you described.
If your DH picks child up from school then the BM should have everything with SD that SD will need. IMO, EOW does not require a lot of things like the kitchen sink. It's not neccessary at all. My SD, like yours, has PLENTY of clothes, shoes, socks, underwear, toys, books, etc at our home. SD should never need anything from the BM's home except a change of clothes---I don't do BM's laundry for her.
Personally my DH & I never let the BM interupt our visits for whatever reason. BM has tried to drop off anything from clothes to medicine. BM also has tried to "visit" during our visitation?!?!? DH has flatly refuse BM to come over while SD is with us for OUR visitation. The BM (or any other parent for that matter) is trying to interrupt YOUR time with your kid(s). This, my dear, is a form of Parental Alienation.
"Parental alienation (PA), rather than PAS, as any constellation of behaviors, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the other parent." www.parentalalienation.com (But there are plenty of other websites that will tell you generally the same thing.
We also do not make "special trips" to the BM because BM says so. This includes during our visitation periods or not. I don't suggest you or DH do this. Why be at BM's beckon call???
BM, in our case, used to come knock on our door too. BM has even tried to come in without us giving her permission even after DH has told BM that she is not welcome in our home at all. BM tried to bring this up in court once, citing that she wanted to see SD's room at OUR house after WE had painted it. The court, the judge, our attorney (and I think even hers), and mediator laughed at BM and told BM that she has no right to be in our home or even to ask us.
That shut her up.
DH has also stopped BM from even coming to our door now. SD is ready about 10 minutes before BM is supposed to arrive. Once we see BM driving down road and at the stop sign, SD goes outside and sits on the bench in front to wait for BM to get out of her car (BM parks in street). BM hardly ever gets halfway up the driveway before meeting SD. There is no need for any interaction between anyone except SD & BM.
Unless your DH wants the interaction then I suggest you talk to him about the issue, your feelings and setting some clear boundaries. I wish you all the luck, kiddo.
Oh, BTW, I know all about those hormones. When I was pregnant with my son I was a few days past my due date and was extremely upset about it. I was at a restuarant with my mom. When I placed my bowl of green beans on the table I accidentally spilled some. Oh my, it was like the flood gates opened---I was bawling my eyes out. Even a waitress came over to ask what was wrong with me. My mom explained and the waitress generously brought me more green beans even though I had only spilled about 3! Silly me!
"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."
I too feel ill when he goes
I too feel ill when he goes to get them.. Its like a pit in the bottom of my stomach... I have never actually thrown up.. but have wanted too. My dh tells me that I get grumpy the day before our weekends w/them..
I dont like the disruption either. I feel like a stranger in my own home and its taken over by the skids. COMPLETELY! To the point where if my bday falls on a weekend that should be theirs.. we make an adjustment to the schedule.. its the only thing I want for my bday every year.. to NOT be w/the skids.. I just had my bday on Monday and it was PEACEFUL!!
dont you go?
Dont you go to exchanges with him? BF always wants me to go with him to exchanges. On the way to get them we discuss the upcoming weekend and on the way back from dropping them off we discuss the time we had with them. Its a great time for communicating uninterupted by TV, etc. Maybe you should try that and see how it works out.
response
Yup, BM did the whole parental alienation thing from SD's birth until she turned seven. When SD turned seven, it's about the time we moved in together. She took him to court...they gave DH visitation..so BM didn't have a choice but to let us have visitation. Even then, she would always try to control what went out during visitation. When we moved into our first place, DH gave her a tour of our new place..WTF! I was there, maybe he was just excited. He didn't do that with our second house.
I mentioned this to him, I told him I was trying to figure out why I felt sick before visitation weekends. I told him I think it's the interaction with him and BM. I just can't handle it. He stopped going to her house after he picked up SD. This is the first weekend he said he's not going to walk SD out. His explanation is that he goes out to tell BM that he'll pick SD up in two weeks; avoiding them having to text message one another. He tried relaying the message through SD, but that never works. So, it's either go out there or text message BM. I told him it bothers me when he walks out there and waves, smiles...acts nice, like they're friends or something; she's not deserving of it. BM even mentioned to him "you don't even come out anymore." After that, he started going out again - sucker! She used to come to the door..but now she doesn't; I don't know if she's trying to avoid interacting with me...and if she stays in the car, she knows DH will go out there. For a while, I'd go out there with him, but for what? I wouldn't say anything, I'd have to fake a wave and smile..screw that! I told DH that if she needs to tell him something, she'll go to the door. He said he needs to go out to confirm things...like she'll ask if SD took her medicine or something - stupid! I told him, "you're a responsible adult, you don't need to be checked up on..and as you told her before 'you can't control what happens in my house.'" So -- we'll see how things go.
Little things people in non-blended relationships would never think twice of....sigh.
Calendar
I'm not sure how your DH's court papers read so I might not hit the target here. I recommend you two make a calendar.
In December 2007 I mapped out a calendar from Dec 2007 thru August 2008 (when school starts again). It looked like a regular calendar with all the days, but it had the times and which parent was supposed to pick up. The calendar was in exact accordance with the court order. No reason for BM to complain (but she does anyway---just less of it when it's B&W). I even took the time to color in blue all the days that were DH's visitation so it was easy to just glance at the calendar. I did this with a program I found on the web (see link).
http://www.fiveoclocksoftware.com/index.htm
(There is also another one that is excellent but more expensive, but both have a free trial... http://www.custodyxchange.com/ )
After I made the calendar, DH checked it over and away it went via Cert. Mail. This way there is no need for BM and DH to communicate about the visitation schedule. (Yippee!) BM knows that DH will pick up daughter come rain, shine, sleet, snow or sick.
This might work in your case to stop even the need for those text messages between the two of them, at least about visitation anyway.
Oh, and about the whole medicine thing. BM used to call my DH or try to talk to him when he picked SD up, so that BM could tell DH exactly how to give the medicine. What, like it didn't say on the bottle in plan English??? After this happened a couple of times I told DH---"Are you an adult? Can you read?" He said "yes" to both. I said, "Alrighty then---why in the world are allowing BM to call or talk to you every single time SD has medicine??" DH put a stop to BM doing that mighty quickly.
DH didn't like to feel like he was incompetent---which is exactly what BM was doing.
Being nice to BM is not happening with my DH. The things the BM has done to DH, SD, me, my son and everyone else on our side are awful. Thus DH usually gives BM a nasty scowl.
"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."
Best thing that ever happened
was when BM started staying in her van when picking the kids up after school. Before I moved in after we got married she used to walk in w/o knocking. She never lived in that house. DH bought it after they divorced. He did not do that at her place & they lived there & bought that house together.
I started locking the doors.
She started staying out in the van last winter and has kept with that. The sight of that van makes me cringe.
For me...
it's a station wagon. I can't stand to see one of those now.
"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."
probably a very smart dog
I don't think my 6lb wiener dog would be a deterant for anyone. When DH sees a van that looks like hers he yells out evil van, evil van. Except when the kids are with, then he whispers it to me.
When the baby starts talking we are going to have to so watch ourselves. Remember the scene from the wedding singer when Adam Sandlers nephew goes up to the woman that left him at the alter & says " your a bitch " It would be funny, but only if it happened to someone else.
I get sick
I get stressed a couple days before and stay sick until SS is gone back to his mom's. My IBS goes nuts from all the stress I have to put up with on the weekends. I have this knot in my stomach the whole time which leads to panic attacks. I don't know what it is but the kid stresses me out...maybe because he has learned to manipulate situations to get my daughter blamed for things, or the way he disrespects his own father...ugh..it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it.
Used to let it bother me too
When my DH and I first met, DH had IBS so bad because of BM. It has taken years for him to get over this...or for it to at least not be so bad. Anyway, BM made me so nervous too when it was time to pick up Skids. Mostly because you never knew what she had up her sleeve. Always something to try and get DH to go in and get kids so she could have alone time with him. She was very blatant about what she was after.
It took a joint effort of DH and I along with several years to get BM to back off in that area but as the kids get older it only gets worse because now, it's not so much when we pick them up or drop them off (we never go to the door) but on a day to day basis. We refuse to communicate with her in any way other than writing so there's a constant parade of nastiness and accusations in our email box. Of course the EOW visits usually intensify this parade because of SS and SD going home and telling lies about us to their BM.
Maybe it's my age or my numbness......I don't get near as nervous or testy as I used to pre-visit.