Am I unreasonable?
I have no idea what I am doing anymore. DH came home from counseling today with the ex and kids, bad bad bad. I don't even want to go into the details. I just don't know what to do anymore. I told my husband tonight that I didn't want to go to counseling with the kids. They apparently said I should attend. Why? So they can tell me they don't like me, that I am emotionally abusive, that I am a bad mother and a bad person. That is what they told him tonight. I am not those things and just because they have been given license to say their mind doesn't mean I should have to listen. I told DH that I feel like I am a divorced woman. I will leave and stay out of the way so they can have their time together but I do not have the emotional reserve anymore to be criticized, or watch my daughter as she is pushed away and taught to believe she is the horrible step-sister. She is their half sister but more importantly she is a beautiful innocent child.
Am I being unreasonable. I can't stand it. WTF. I am so tired of this stuff. I am so tired of feeling judged in my own home. Why can't I live a simple peaceful life without these f***ing demons coming in to prove to me how awful I am. I am not and at some point I have to remove myself, right? Can I do this in my family now, and how?
I have absolutely no idea what to do. Believe me I have gone to every source. My pastor, the assistant pastor, the guides at the church, counselors, friends, family, books, and all of you. You are the ones that know better than anyone.
I have never felt so bad in my life. I have never been so fat. I have never felt such despair, I have never felt so out of control. How did this happen? Yesterday was my anniversary and I thought "these were the worst 4 years of my life, but the best 4 years too" You remember movies where they live in two time zones, or different worlds. The ying the yang. That is me. No Step kids, perfect life, step-kids, total hell.
How could children be so awful when all I ever wanted was to be a mom.
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Unreasonable? No way!
We have 50/50 custody of my skids (two boys 9 and 10). So one week it is just my bio kids and my DH. Then the next week it is all four kids. I hate the fact that things are so much more difficult on the weeks that we have all four. I feel like I am judged by these CHILDREN and their mother, all week. Whether it is their clothes, food, homework, bedtime, and anything else. I just want a normal life. I want to be in charge of my own house. I dont want to have some other woman nosing in my business. Yes, I know that I signed up for this, but damn, it is NO FuN. It just feels like no matter how hard you try or how much you sacrifice it is not good enough and someone has something to bitch about!!
So, yes I understand about the two lifes and unfortunately I dont know how to get through it either!
we all signed up for it, but
we all signed up for it, but did we really realize how depressing it would be?? I feel bad but when SD is in the house, I feel like my privacy is violated, I feel like she shares everything with BM and I feel like a kid that is being bullied in school...yes, they hurt my feelings and I don't want them in my life...therefore I am not a good wife...therefore...it just plane sucks...and I don't have a solution either! that is why we are all here to support one another when we feel like we are alone Right?!
I so completely understand.
I so completely understand. SD used to "watch" me all the time. I would be in the living room watching TV and "feel" someone watching me. I would turn around and there she was, hiding on the stairs just looking at the back of my head. Interestingly enough her teachers complained about the same thing- they would catch her watching them, waiting for an opportunity to do something wrong.
Creepy.
Peace, love, and red wine
hail hail
You and I feel the same way. It might be asking a lot for the kids to switch gears, with two different households, and two different ways of doing things but it is no way to live for the rest of us either. What about your kids, the ones that are descended upon every other week. They must feel totally confused and overwhelmed, maybe even afraid. Do they hide when the boys come over? This is a crazy life we signed up for. Is there really a master plan?
struggling step mom,
When I have expressed that I feel like I have spies in my house, I feel like a paranoid crazy person. But I do. They are kids, how could they do this? Thank God for this site. Sometimes I feel like I am coasting along and I don't really have any problems, and then WHAM!! I am right back in. I want to scream, but I really want us all to get together. Please see Zenmom's post about having a retreat. We all talk to each other and share our experiences, but do we really have friends as close as we are to each other. I share more with all of you than I do with my best friends. How incredible to see each other's faces and know we understand each other. Thank you.
"Spousal" Support
I think the difference for me is DH IS so in tune with all of it. He listens sympathizes and understands. My 13 yr old son is very frustrating to both of us too, so at least we both get what the other one is going through. I think the only way we'll work out is because we BOTH have exspouses with whom we have kids, and we both have a kid that the other one has difficulty with. The difference for me is that I do the mothering for ALL of them. My sons have a great SM, but I am close to each of my kids so she doesn't have to make up for that. My DH is a great SD, but my exH is a wonderful father so DH isn't having to make up for that either. But I have to mother EVERYONE, b/c SD's mom is so horrible. So I get what you say about best 4 years/worst 4 years. I am more in love with DH, have the best relationship I've ever had, but...
I wish it came without all this blended crap. Every other week (when BM takes her visitation- not often enough) we only have our 2 year old. She's so easy it's like having no kids sometimes. Like a "real, traditional, family."
We savor it.
Peace, love, and red wine
Eeeew...
I did go to counsellings "for" SD.. In fact I forced DH to get her into counseling. I could see the tell-tale sign of anxiety in SD. IBS, puking b4 sporting performance, a plethora of other symptoms related to low self-esteem.
I did not go "with" SD. I met with DH and counselor so that the counselor could meet me and make her own assessment bf4 SD could say what a wicked-Sm I truly am.
I know that SD likes me, I think she has been told NOT to like me via BM. Although she did say to the therapist that she can't live here anymore, but couldn't justify the whys.
If I could suggest that you go to the counseling with just yourself, then with DH, and sometime down the road M-A-Y-B-E with all after you have had your time. It may prove beneficial. The therapist will figure out the dynamic and you will not come up on the losing end.
My story is different - long read pls be patient
For years I have begged my DH and ex to go to counseling. They would go once or twice and then stop. Late last spring, I made an appointment to go to family counseling with my DH, his kids and me. We went a few times and then their mom started taking them to a different counselor, which is where they are now.
Our ex is a good mom. She is very hands on and she will drop anything to be there for her kids. The thing is she takes it too far. She hasn't allowed us to even play a part in their life. If they are here and we want to go to the movies, they call her first for permission. She worked at the elementary school so she was always the first to know everything and never told us. She is everywhere all the time and the kids don't breath before talking to her first. She has told the kids really bad things about my husbands family, it all has come out. She is very angry
She told me that she is the best mother in the world and her kids are perfect. She keeps them very close to her and creates a safe and insulated environment. I can see how that is good but they do not know how to interact with people outside of her immediate family. She is Mexican and her family is large. They identify only with that family even though they won't speak Spanish. It is very strange. They say they aren't half Dad, half Mom. They are mostly mom. It is true she has made sure of it.
I asked my husband what the seating situation at the counselors was like and he said that the ex sat in the middle of the kids on the couch and he sat in a chair. As if that doesn't again reinforce the us against you thing. They said they don't like us and they don't want to come here.
I'm just so exhausted. I really try. I email the kids every week, I don't hear back. I have taken them on incredible vacations all over the country and they complain. I try I really do. I Finally gave up trying to have involvement in their lives. If I made them lunch, they gave it to their mom and would eat the one she made. Why did she complain that we don't make lunches and then bring them when we do. It is a no win. They complain they don't have clothes, so I buy them clothes and I never ever see them again. Or we are going to a family wedding or something and will send a really ugly outfit for the kids to wear. I have different standards. Even if I say it's covered, she'll send what she wants and the kids would never wear anything else. If they disagree with something we say or do, they call their mom and discuss it with her, then she will either tear into us or deal with it herself. How can she even know the appropriate response when she isn't here to know the whole story. So she basically makes us non-existent people who don't count.
So as far as going to counseling I think don't know what I could do to change anything. They don't want to be in our life, their mother doesn't want that either. She isn't looking at how her actions have played a part in all of this. She sits there as a united front with them, calling their Dad out in front of them. I am just spent. I might feel better following Persephone's advice and meet with their counselor alone or with my husband. The two of us are on the same page and completely shocked. We have an incredible family too. It is large and extended and filled with support and love. People comment on what a wonderful family we have all the time. I'm tired of defending us.
I asked my husband if he thought the kids were going to counseling to work things out or just to vent. He said he didn't think they wanted to work on it. I have reached out to those kids and told them in every possible way that I am here if they want to talk and that I care about them and I want them to be happy. I asked my Step daughter if she wanted to try and she said she didn't think so.
I feel that I have no out, I have to keep trying even though they aren't my kids. I don't know what other way. My husband and I are a united front as much as we can be and he supports me either way but I don't feel like I'm helping by staying out of it. I don't think I'm helping by being in it either. So what in the hell am I suppose to do? Ladies, gents, any ideas now.
I feel for YOU.
At least you and DH are on a united front. My DH says he can never live up to my high standards. I say I do not think that expecting the skids to be respectful of us,BM, and themselves is such a high standard. It is what society expects.
Disengaging is what has helped me. It is hard but it is also worth while.
Being United
I hear people saying that it will work if DH and I am on the same page, a united front. The thing is, we are. We are a lot alike and we want the same things. From my experience, it won't work unless DH and ex are a united front.
My husband comes from a "blended" family. I spoke to one of his brothers last night. He said that he always thought of his parents as "mom and dad". They were a united front. He said he has so much admiration etc for them both because of how they handled things between them. He felt that being the oldest of his set of kids, he would have seen any problems, but his parents kept things away from the kids. To this day, my MIL is involved with every "family" activity. She goes to her ex's (the younger siblings dad's and wife's house) for all holiday activities, birthday's etc. When someone comes into town, we ALL meet. It is very strange. My MIL says, that she is not friends with those two but they have a business relationship and it is still working. From my perspective, everyone just seems to get along.
I know it's not fair to BLAME. But I do. I think our ex is a raving bitch and she is making it impossible for her kids to know, love, or be a part of their father's life. So know matter how united my husband and I are, without her on board, we're sunk.
I think you are very Courageous
I think you are very courageous to be in this situation and still want to work it out. You obviously have some love for these skids, despite the ugliness coming down on you (thanks to BM). AND you are so fortunate to have that united front with your hubby.
Of course the kids are going to spew what they've been taught to spew by their mom. Right now they have a misguided loyalty to their mom, based on a skewed reality. I would bet the counselor already knows you aren't these things the kids are saying you are.
A good therapist is going to detect what is simply parroting of their mom's opinions and what they really feel about you two. A good therapist will teach the skids how to reach their own conclusions about you and DH, based on their own experience, not on what BM says they should feel.
BTW, when the self-righteous (the BM) go to counseling, they usually go with the expectation that they will get all their views and feelings validated by the therapist. And conversely the other party (you and DH) will get all the blame placed on their shoulders because the self-righteous really believe they are above reproach. A good therapist will detect that right away and in good time, deflate that self-righteous attitude because rarely is one party perfect and the other party fully to blame.
I would go...and yeah, see if you can go first with your DH.
Eventually though the therapist needs you there to hear your side of course, but also so the BM and skids can hear your side in front of the therapist. He/she can then state where the problems are...on both sides!
In the end, you will be able to determine to either stay in it or stay out of it, because both have pros and cons. Tell the therapist that's what you want out of it and that will help the therapist know how to help you to make your decison.
Trust yourself. This is your adventure and only you can make the best decision for yourself. We're here for you in whatever happens during these sessions.
I'm so sorry Kathleen,
I don't know how you do it. What a difficult situation! I really feel for you and for those kids.
BM is really hurting the children by not allowing them to venture out on their own, make their own decisions and interact with others outside of her family.
All I can say is this WILL come back to haunt BM. You and your skids are in my prayers.
yes to therapy
BM in my case was the one not wanting anything to do with therapy and therefore the therapist formed her opinion very quickly based on what SD, me and DH told her. BM left her no choice.
So I think you should go. I haven't met a therapist yet who thinks what your BM is pulling is ok. Kids are easily swayed when their BM is always testing their loyalty.
I wonder about your comment about your BM being such a good mom. She doesn't put her kids first or she would be working with you and DH to better your relationship.
I go to parties at my ex's - not just for the kids. After DH and I were married my sons' SM expressed feeling sad they weren't invited to the wedding! I was honest to her in my response- that when I married my exH I wanted a small church wedding and he (married before at 20) didn't want another wedding. It was one of many resentments I carried (his first wife had a more expensive wedding ring, had a church wedding, etc) I felt as though I was second fiddle as well as second wife. I also knew my exH knew this was one of the things that always bothered me in our marriage. So I thought it might be difficult for him (who didn't want the divorce) to come and witness me in a wedding dress in a church exchanging hand written vowels. I honestly thought it would make him a bit sad that he hadn't wanted to do it.
The last few years I have been invited to SM's 40th b-day party, their open house party, and most recently SM's oldest daughter's graduation day party. Last year my son's SM brought her son over to trick-or-treat in our neighborhood, and she and my exh helped pass out candy on our porch.
Weird???? Maybe. Possible? Yes. I hear more and more people out there like us. We are thinking of writing a book about it.
But it only happens if BM/SM have no jealousy toward the other's relationship with DH. And like my case with SD's mom, I think your BM has an obvious need to validate herself as the best mom ever.
Well....
The best mom would know that challenging the kids loyalty all the time is not in their best interest.
The best mom would place her ego on a shelf and know that a relationship with the kids father is a must.
Didn't you say you have another child too? (Sorry- can't remember.) IF so then all the kids deserve a relationship with each other too.
Go to the therapist and give her a shot. They are very good at sorting out what's real and what's not. Your concerns will be heard.
And if not? Find one of your own to listen. I did. She was also a SM and the best!
Peace, love, and red wine
Control
Is ultimately what she is after and using the kids to gain that. Her huge involvement in her kids life makes her appear to be a great mum, but it's damaging to her kids. She is obviously putting you and Dh down even if not in words but in actions. That is as wrong as verbally badmouthing. In the couselling it shows with the us against you thing with their dad.
Being a good mum is helping your children to adjust and being able to set aside your own feelings for the good of the children. You are not their mum and you do deserve respect but you have to remember while she is doing this you and DH are in a lose/lose.
My SS and the way he treated me used to rule all the space in my head. I wanted to be a better person and FIX the problem. 3 years on and I can't fix it so I have detached from it and am much happier now and SS is slightly better than he used to be, even though I am always 'otherwise occupied' when he is here, that is the only way I can enjoy the whole of my life with him and his mother in it.
Good luck, as I know where you are and it is a horrible place to be. Someone said to me on this site once "Don't let them rent space in your head" I still say that on a weekly basis to myself
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
thanks gals
I hear all the things you are saying and I appreciate it. I've thought and tried many ways. I even was thinking as I read zenmom, that maybe I should start inviting the ex to our functions when the kids are to be involved, ie our upcoming housewarming party. Then my stomach turned. I want to enjoy myself not worry about what she is doing or "thinking" The last couple of times she was at an event, she spoke Spanish the whole time to the kids. She never speaks Spanish to them otherwise. I see that as her way of separating and elevating herself, even alienating me, who is in the room alone with her and the kids. The kids don't even answer back to her in Spanish and she knows that I don't speak Spanish. Sometimes I want to study it secretly just so one day I can chime in.
As for Catch22, going to counseling would be helpful, I can see that in some ways. Trust me I have gone to counseling with and without these kids. I've even gone with the ex, which turned into a verbal fist fight. Not good. The last conversation I had with the ex left me shutting my proverbial door and tossing the key. Her kids for whatever reason are hateful and cruel to my 2 year old child. I worry for her safety both physically and more importantly emotionally. They have said in no uncertain terms that they want to hurt her. When I addressed this with the ex, she said her children were perfect and this was my problem. I told her I needed her help and she responded "the children's father asked me to stay out of this" He has a name! and he did not ask her to stay out of it. By staying out of it, the mother who has puppet strings to her kids, is essentially saying it is okay by me what you do and how you feel even if it hurts your dad, your step mom and EVEN if it does long term detrimental damage to the emotional development of their (your sister's-would never be mentioned. They think they can chose whether she is their sister or not) So I have "detached".
I am so detached, but I can't be detached in counseling. When I think about going, I start feeling raw and swollen like someone who hasn't healed after a terrible beating, I'm not ready to lift the bandaid. I don't think I could be both detached and fully engaged in counseling.
I guess the question I have to answer is, does my relationship with his kids matter that much in the end. Does my child "need" this relationship. Don't I have a responsibility to protect her? If I don't do anything to bring us closer, but make room for my husband to do so, will that weaken his chances of bonding with the kids. I don't hate those kids, I do care, I would like them to be happy, but I chose to have a happy, peaceful life and that is not so with them.
OH NO!
Don't have time to respond too much (lucky for all of you
But...
DON'T invite her to your stuff! I have coffee with my sons' SM. We have had a wonderful friendship develop over a period of 8 years. Don't do it to yourself with this selfish BM.
Like my SD's BM, they are selfish, and suspicious. It wouldn't work and would just drive you nuts!
Peace, love, and red wine
Councelling????
I just wanted to edit that I wasn't the advocate for councelling...I don't think all situations are healed by councelling at all and I don't think you would benefit from it in this situation.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Detachment and "blending" myth
That feeling..so well described by you...
"I am so detached, but I can't be detached in counseling. When I think about going, I start feeling raw and swollen like someone who hasn't healed after a terrible beating, I'm not ready to lift the bandaid. I don't think I could be both detached and fully engaged in counseling.
Your body is telling you this...
You cannot be both detached and happy in life. You must lift the bandaid Kathleen. Otherwise an infection will keep growing underneath. And that will lead straight to your heart.
Also, I have an almost 2 year old with DH. With SD's psych issues I will not let her babysit my toddler (or anyone else's kids without my supervision.) SD loves BD. She does. But SD is hyper and wreckless. She doesn't like it when BD whines or cries. SD can't handle it. SD also gets far too hyper and out of control around little kids. It's like SD's 12 going on 7. That's with me there telling her to calm down. How can I trust her with my baby.
This peeves SD b/c I do let oldest son babysit for brief periods of time with neighbors handy/ and his dad and SM live two minutes away as well. (Though that privilege is taken away at the moment b/c he's being irresponsible with his school work.)
When SD complains about not being allowed to babysit she uses absolutes, "You'll NEVER trust me with BD so I just don't care anymore." Rather than try to improve how she relates to BD in my presence... AND by not sneaking around behind my back doing things and lying about things. So I can trust her.
SD has also said several times, "It's not like I would HURT her." I NEVER said that was a concern (it is obviously - somewhere deep down I don't trust SD won't flip like BM does since they have the same disorder.) But the fact that she thought about that term "hurt her" disturbed me. Most kids would say, "It's not like I won't take care of her..." etc. But her first thought was to defend a negative.
Then there's the knife incident at daycare. I posted about that somewhere else. After SD pulled that she will NOT babysit BD. It was two years ago, but I don't care. One strike and I don't trust you.DH said he leaves it up to me and understands my mother hen fears.
Here's the biggest one- BD HATES SD. If SD comes into the room BD screams "NO! STOP!" at her. I don't know why. All we can figure out is that either BD has picked up my distrust of SD, or BD was affected by SD treating her like a puppy or toy the first year and a half of her life. SD would try to force BD to sit on her lap, play with her, hug and kiss her. I really think that's it. And when we tried to suggest how she could woo BD over (let BD define when she hugs, kisses, sits on her lap) so BD can start to trust SD, SD sees it as more criticism, gets defensive, etc.
I think this. Don't force their relationship with your BD. I really wish we lived close so I could meet you out for coffee and hug you
Maybe someday soon!
Peace, love, and red wine
My DH was in similar situation
Long time ago there were accusations made against my DH. He is not permitted contact with his kids. Now, I know my DH pretty well and I can honestly say that he just doesn't have it in him to do what he has been accused of. And every time BM opens her mouth she convinces me more and more that nothing happened at all. They were ordered to go to family counselling but she refused. So my DH, unable to see his kids, unable to move forward with family counselling, left their hometown for a job. Of course he pays support (not court ordered, but he pays), he has sent them gifts and whatnot, but in the past couple of years things have changed. We got married of course, he tried to get at least telephone contact with his kids but they said they wanted nothing to do with him. Well the gifts stopped but he continued sending cards. Now all of a sudden the cards are causing nightmares. Funny thing is, there were no nightmares when the gifts arrived but whatever. My DH has made the hardest decision he has ever had to make: he decided enough was enough. He could not continue to attempt to stay in his kids lives when they continually slammed the door in his face. He has decided to back way off, hoping that someday they will initiate contact with him. He recently received emails from the ex and she made it clear to him that his kids do not need him. They are doing fine without him. Seems like everything was hunky dory as long as he lavished them with gifts but the minute he decided that he was doing all the giving and they all the taking and he was tired of being used, things took a turn for the worse. Now the kids don't even want cards from him anymore. He could never do anything right in their eyes. They always assumed that he had an ulterior motive and the ex always twisted everything he did or said into something evil. Believe me he did not make this decision lightly and he is heartbroken but at this point there are no more options and nothing more he can do. The ex and the kids have finally gotten what they want, so I truly hope they are happy with their decision.